How many velociraptors is that?

Last week Jacob showed me a picture on facebook, it was him about to snatch something, and one of the comments said, “how many velociratpors is that?” to which Jacob responded, “That is 8 velociraptors.”

me: dude
“how many velociraptors is that”
that’s fucking good

Jacob: oh i haven’t told you about that?
sometimes we measure weights in dinosaurs
1 velociraptor weighed up to 33lbs
the largest pterodactyls weighed up to 100lbs
so we use the top end limits

i thought
it was a unit of like how cool something was
this is better

Jacob: Put it to use my friend
did you train today?

me: yeah benched and squat one intuitive set of 3

Jacob: how much

me: i benched 255lbs x 3 paused with no belt and squat 365 x 3
which is the first “heavy” squat i’ve done in 3 weeks

Jacob: i’m sorry Brent
i don’t
understand the units of measurement you’re using
try again please

I found out this real hot chick that I saw at USAPL Texas State and Raw Nationals apparently trains at the gym Saul and I just signed up at????? I have not seen her around, which is a good thing, because if I did I would leave the gym and not train that day. I am hoping she trains in the AM so I will just never see her. If she ever appears at the gym while I am training I am going to terminate my workout in the middle of the fucking set and just pack my shit up and leave. She is too hot. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t.

Another thing is – has she noticed me at these meets as well? I mean, I doubt it, which is fine, and in fact I’d actually prefer that. What I’m concerned with is not, “Hmm, I wonder if she finds me remotely attractive,” I am more concerned with her thinking, “Uh I saw this guy at a couple meets and now he is training at my gym? Is he stalking me? What a fucking creeper. By the way nice shorts, faggot.”

There is a cute girl at work who smiles every time I wear the soffe shorts since I usually come from the gym if I work in the afternoon. Today as she was leaving she said, “Bye, Brent, don’t wear those shorts again.”

I said, “I’ve been wearing them every day.”

“Brent Kim. Brent Kim if you wear those shorts again I will never take you seriously.”

“That’s fine.”

Guess I’ll kill myself.

I have two favorite reactions to the soffe shorts so far:

One is from a coworker, a super experienced LVN who is usually unflappable. She’s seen it all and doesn’t give a shit. Dick head patient? She’s a smooth operator. Some fucking weird guy patient hits on her? She’s fucking ice. Doctor being grumpy? She wishes she cared. But I walked in with the shorts and her eyes went wide and she immediately turned away and burst into laughter. It was a pretty good reaction.

Second one was from a random dude from Starbucks and much more subtle but just as enjoyable. I walked in and he was sweeping and he sees me then goes back to what he’s doing, but he makes this face to himself that says, “I guess this is what kids are doing for fucking fun these days.”

Other than that, most guys think I am a fucking loser and girls smile at me like I have a chromosomal abnormality. It’s fine. If we are going to be real tea, this isn’t very different from when I wasn’t wearing the soffe shorts every day.

Training was short but considerably productive today, I snatched up to 220lbs, c+jed up to 260lbs, with the snatch being a baseline that I’d like to hit on a pretty regular basis (and hopefully reach into 230+). The c+j was kinda weak today, though it’s possible with longer rest periods I may have felt better for a little more. The good news is I did not miss any jerks and felt pretty good overhead. Did all this in about 35min, would have liked more time and taken more attempts for both lifts. I’m off tomorrow though and will be training with Saul and Becky, if the squats I do don’t fucking wreck me I’ll see if I can take a fucking swing. I’m thinking that I might get there before Saul, do my squats, have a boba tea and rest and then come back to do the oly shit. Maybe change my tank top while I’m at it.


Leave a comment ?


  1. Do those shorts have pockets? I’m all for short-shorts but I need to have pockets.

    • Dude you cant have pockets on short shorts, you’d and up looking like a dick head with your pockets hanging out the bottom like a desperate 8th grade hooker. Its the sluttier version of hoover flags, and its not a particularly good look on men… just sayin 😉

      • They don’t need to be deep pockets, just big enough for my wallet and phone.

        Where the fuck else am I supposed to put them?

        • cristina reads your blog

          a purse.

        • I say fuck your phone and wallet. In the even that the Zombie apocalypse or the Russian/Chinese/Korean invasion takes place while you’re at the gym, those items will only slow you down…

          Honestly, who do you need to talk to so bad that you would let it compromise your life. I mean lets look at it this way, according to Occam’s Razor the most likely scenario would be a coordinated attack on major US metropolitan areas by Russia/N Korea/China/Cuba/Venezuela/Communism. One of the first things they will likely do is disrupt the communications network so your phone will be useless…

          Your wallet wont be necessary in a post war U.S. because the economy would have failed and money will no long hold any value. You’ll have to barter for survival items like food and water, clothing and fuel, probably could throw any kind of ammunition in there too…

          I don’t like the purse idea b/c that sends the wrong message, we are wearing short shorts for Christ’s sake. Also, purses aren’t very manly…

          Sorry for the rant. Hope that makes sense, Puke.

          • hey fuck you guys! I need pockets to carry my snacks and diabetes testing supplies! /wilfordbrimley

          • I honestly appreciate the time and thought that went into this.

          • cristina reads your blog

            He’ll be fine with a fanny pack.

          • cristina reads your blog

            Wrong message? Srly?

            Everyone here spends time on websites gays use as spank-banks.

            You’re huge jacked guys compared to the average population – if you see someone pressing 5x their bw with one hand, you don’t care that he’s wearing short shorts, a thong and goes home to read Home & Garden, you wonder what the hell drugs he’s takin.

            it’s almost 5 my brain hurts.

          • I might agree with the fanny pack idea, but it would have to be more like a jammy pack if it was considered…


            However, if you take this in the context of my previous post, you’d be fucking dead. Running around a war torn metro with your speakers blasting Flash by Queen, you are just asking to get your head blown off by a .338 communist lapua. The only way this device would be useful in the defense of the U.S. and her liberties is if it was used on a manikin by a group of “wolverines” as a trap for the invading forces. Most likely the wolverines would be blown to shit and you’d be fucking dead though…

            And yes a purse, or murse if you will, sends the wrong message. It would be a misconception to say that “because some of these sites we participate in are gay spank banks that we are comfortable flying “that” flag.” Its analogous to the pirates of yore flying false colors until their target was in canon range. Its preposterous!

            Also, you didn’t comment on the fact that it isn’t manly. Unbeknownst to you, the overall goal in the life of most men is to be as manly as huMANLY possible. (see how clever that was!) IRREGAUDLESS of an individual’s definition of what being manly actually constitutes, i might add.

            Ok, i should probably get some real work done before I end up unemployed, dejected, and in the food stamps line…

          • bro didn’t you watch 24? Messenger bag is the answer.

  2. cristina reads your blog

    I wore soffee shorts to the gym yesterday.

    First time.

  3. @Patrick
    Dude you’ll have to duct tape them to your back like John McClane. Youll look more bad ass that way anyhow!

  4. Brent Kim… the big womanizer.

  5. I wear short shorts too. Like stuff that fit in middle school. I just don’t wear running shorts, because I hate running. And I don’t wear tank tops because the bar slides off my round shoulders.

    • The bar doesn’t slide off of my shoulders because I have bouldering deltoids that provide an excellent shelf (irregardless of high or low bar, front or back squats). Step up your game, Saul.

  6. cristina reads your blog

    Oh and btw

    you do know that Stonewall is the name of the riots that gives us the liberty of dressing like the opposite sex in public, right? Irony.

    • HA you wish it was Irony!

      … 😕

      Actually maybe there is some irony here. You see, when I came up with this sick-as-shit online pseudonym I thought about somewhere I would rather be than in front of this fucking computer wasting my life, and what I came up with was fucking Stonewall. Then for fucking shits and giggles, or maybe because I have no fucking creativity whatsoever, I plugged in my last fucking name. Oh cats out of the bag!

      Wait, wheres the irony?! Well Stonewall happens to be host to my families cabin in the middle of nowhere in Colorado, and when the fucking commies (thats Russia/China/UK/Poland/Vuvuzela/California) come to trash the U.S.A, that’s where I’ll be. I have always thought I would like to retire out there and then fucking die in the mountains. Well, looks like I’m gonna get that chance, because Ill be skipping through the mountains dressed like a woman and rocking out to flash on my jammypack. Real fucking tea.

      Thanks for calling me out asshole. 😉

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