Daily Archives: November 7, 2011

This is a story about mobbing.

Imagine who I am without movement. I am particulate mass rotting away, dying like senescent plant matter. What does it mean to move?

Quantum mechanics states that all particles exhibit both particle and wave properties. I am rays. This is what I feel with knee flexion and full plantar flexion. I am bands. Find the ones that hurt the most. What does it mean to hurt? Test, re-test. What is a few degrees of knee flexion worth to me?

When she was gone, I felt nothing. I am ice.

What should pain mean to an organism?

She walks away and I watch. This is what I will remember of her; watching her leave. I picture walking by her side. Even in my head I can only see the silhouette of her not looking at me. I try not to think about this. Is this pain?

Decide you want to do something. Pour yourself into the act of doing it. Come up short. Do this again and again. Become familiar with failure. I am not strong enough, I am not skillful enough, I am not who I want to be. Is this pain?

She loves me. I believe her. It isn’t enough. She would give more if she could. She can’t. I am water, wave-like particles seeping out of a broken vessel. She grasps at me and I weave through her fingers. Is this pain?

Find what hurts. Pin point it. Bear down on it. Does it feel like a knife? Move under pressure. I am rays. I am bands. I am muscle fibers contracting and releasing, with an unyielding ball lodged between my scapula and thoracic spine. Where are my scars? What will it take to free them? Scar tissue doesn’t change. Hurt something inside you, and it is never the same. Have you tested your limits? One day we all become broken.

Breathe. Move. I am muscle fibers contracting and releasing. Pain is a construct of the mind.

Test, retest. Am I different? Am I better? Measure this in degrees.

“Have you changed?” she asks. For a moment, I believe in something I can’t prove.

Shrug. This is a function of scapular elevation. How much of that is influenced by soft-tissue adhesions?

And then she is gone. I feel nothing. I am ice. Scar tissue does not contract. It is non-functional tissue in the context of movement.

Externally rotate the hip. Descend into hip flexion. Does it feel like tearing? Breathe. Move farther. Close the hip angle. Without movement, I am rotting particulate mass. Repeat this mantra. I am rays, I am bands. Test, retest. Have I felt this before?

Tissue only adapts to the stressors imposed upon it. I forget what it is to see her face.

I sprained knee ligaments a few years ago. The knee won’t forget that; it is why a few degrees of knee flexion matter to me. It was hurt and changed forever. Tissues scarred over and there are pieces in the bands and rays of that leg that don’t contribute to movement.

I think of her. Pain is a construct of the mind. Stretch farther. Bear down harder. Damaged tissue can’t be changed but I can still recover lost function. Measure this in degrees. How much less does it bother me that I can’t go back?