Marathons Are Yawn

Posted on July 12, 2012 by Justin

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I’m getting sick of the runner’s narcissism that permeates throughout life.

“You mock marathons because you can’t do one!”

That’s such an 8 year old mentality. I cringe whenever I see the “26.2” stickers on car windows; it’s just a participation sticker. I went to kindergarten too, so I guess I understand their pride. You don’t see anyone putting a “500 lbs” sticker on their window, but if they did it would make more sense. After all, being able to do anything with 500 pounds requires some sort of development. There’s a huge portion of the population that will never understand what 500 pounds feels like. On the other hand, a huge percentage of the population can complete 26.2 miles if they gave enough of a shit. You can even walk part of it! It’s not that impressive.

I’m almost tempted to go do a marathon to prove a point, but, oh yeah, I don’t care.

Marathons aren’t even practical. If you need to run over 20 miles to avoid something, you can probably avoid it by walking. Or you would have died already. In fact, the storied hero Pheidippides dropped dead after completing his “marathon”! Even if this story was real (it isn’t), it’s not near as impressive as what actually happened.

The Persians were planning an attack on Athens by landing 24 miles north along the coastal plains of Marathon with an army 80,000 strong. The Athenians only had 10,000 infantry to deflect such an attack. One Athenian leader, Miltiades, had big coconut sized balls (equally hairy, no doubt); his idea was to march their asses straight to Marathon and fight the Persians at the pass. Everyone realized it was either a) get their asses kicked or b) try and have a Leonidas moment (which wouldn’t happen for ten more years, but stay focused). The Athenians marched up to Marathon to find 80,000 assholes camping in the plains.

“We are so fucked,” the Athenians thought. A few days later they got word that the Persians slipped off into the night to sail the bulk of their army down to Athens. They only left a 15,000 strong holding force. Miltiades, that guy with the gigantic balls, said, “Good,” and let everyone know that it was clobberin’ time. It would take the Persians 10 to 12 hours to get to Athens, so if they whipped some Persian ass and then rushed back home, they should have time to defend their wives and children. While some of the leaders pleaded to wait for the Spartans to get there (which was not a certainty), Miltiades whispered, “We attack at dawn,” and then he put a cigarette out on his own arm to prove a point. Okay, that last part may not have been true.

“Oh, how I love the smell of blood and carnage in the morning,” is probably what Miltiades said when the battle ended at 9 AM. After three hours of fighting, the marshy water ran red with Persian blood. The Athenians lost fewer than 200 men.

Now imagine this. You have been strung out for several days at the though of your entire way of life being annihilated. A Persian victory would destroying the Athenian government, sell your children into slavery, and rape your wife countless of times. After days of this prospect, you finally unleash fury in a three hour battle. All of that pent up emotion has been wrought down on your foe, but as the final battle cry of victory ebbs away, you think of your son back home, sitting in your wife’s arms. Your dog sits with them wagging his tail. And those Persian fucks are on their way to kill everything you love.

“Ruck up, boys, we’re headin’ home,” Miltiades said followed by swigging straight whiskey. The Athenian soldiers had 7 hours to travel 24 miles in full battle gear. Armor, weapons, and rations. They pounded home as fast as they could. Imagine the pain of each step with their blistered feet. Imagine the fatigue their bodies felt. Imagine the fire in their bellies knowing that every second counted to protect their wives, their children, their city. At 4:00 PM some of the Athenians crested the cliffs facing the ocean where the Persian army was arriving. After seeing those fierce Athenians caked with blood, no doubt flashing their asses and clanging their shields, the Persians thought, “Uhh, this probably isn’t such a good idea, mmkay.” Deuces.

Now that’s a fucking story. That’s an athletic event worth emulating.

ESPN/Football Poppycock

Posted on October 28, 2010 by Justin

I was listening to the “Mike and Mike” show on ESPN radio this morning and heard something that made my ears bleed. Jenn Brown was giving her report on the Thursday night match-up between #16 Florida State and N.C. State. FSU quarterback Christian Ponder has had some issues with his elbow yet has practiced this week. He told reporters that his injury was a “blessing in disguise” and is “starting to use my core more” when throwing (1). He fucking said “core”.

The term “core” has been demonized and written about plenty of times, and I won’t add too much to it here. It just sounds so…puny (I was going to write a similar word with different consonants, but you get the idea). Saying the word conjures up images of “personal trainers” having their clients do silly shit around the gym to make them sweaty and sometimes sore. More importantly, I don’t like “core” because the way it is said and perceived is lacking from an anatomical standpoint. Proponents of the term would cite the stability needed in the abdominals and back muscles to transfer force and move the body. That definition neglects the hips, which is the area of the body that is most important for acceleration (in the physics sense; in this case referring to a person’s change in velocity). We already know that barbell training is the best way to strengthen the hips (and subsequently the “core”), but I’m more concerned with the seeming misunderstanding of what is important for movement and acceleration.

In QB Ponder’s defense, he does mention his hips in improving his mechanics. What he’s saying is, “The elbow injury has forced me to use my hips in my throwing motion properly, and thus improves my ability to throw the football. Previously I wasn’t using my hips and primarily used my arm, and this is what caused the injury.” As referenced above, his actual first sentence was, “I’m starting to use my core more, which is something I got away from this year.” I don’t expect anybody to care what the term “core” does or doesn’t mean, but I have a problem with how it is perceived. It’s perceived to be abdominal related, and that means this is going to be the primary method of strengthening or improving the area:

Google image 'core' and this is the first fitness related image

Exercises like the squat, press, and deadlift not only strengthen the hips, but also the muscles that attach to the hips from the anterior and posterior. A quarterback will benefit from utilizing hip strength in a throwing motion — that’s why “setting the feet” is so important to football; it allows the quarterback to properly apply force to the ground to move and rotate his legs, hips, torso, and then arm to have a solid throw. This is also why it’s a horrible idea for a quarterback to roll right and throw to the left — there’s not power behind his throw (and the resulting vector the football makes as it travels at an angle across the field allows the defense to react and move towards the ball, but that’s a different point entirely).

You can look at any athletic movement and see how it’s completely dependent on the hips. Look at the picture below of a juke. This juke is quite exaggerated, yet it shows that in order to move to the right, the player has to apply force to the left. When an athlete moves fast, they only have one foot on the ground, so that one foot has to not only apply enough force to move the entire body in the desired direction, but often having to overcome the body’s own momentum (since they are changing directions) as well as any other exterior forces (in this case, other players — gravity is implied while we’re on Earth). In this particular picture, this ball carrier is probably* in the midst of moving left. A bland analysis would say he’s abducting his hip, but anyone who’s played a sport knows that’s stupid — stand up straight and move your left leg out away from your mid-line while keeping you knee straight. Is this how you juke? No. There is plantar flexion (ankle), knee flexion, and hip extension occurring to move laterally and forward. All of those muscles are worked through a full range of motion (with the exception of the plantar flexion muscles, but stay on track here) during a back squat. There’s a lot going on in a juke, but the point is that the abs are not the core of the movement.

A standard ops juke.

It’s interesting to analyze movement, but you don’t have to focus on it while you watch football this weekend. Just know that the foundation for athletic movement comes from strengthening the major joints through a full range of motion, and this is best achieved through barbell training. Once there is a foundation of strength** you apply that strength into the movements and activities associated with a sport. That last part is the “conditioning” part of “strength and conditioning”. I just wish silly personal training rhetoric would stay out of it.

*I say probably because technically we don’t know what’s going on the photo. He could be spinning, or in a stutter step to move to the left, or spinning around after making a catch. Let’s just assume he’s juking to his right.
**Admittedly, the “foundation of strength” is arbitrary. I’d say it’s relative to age and skill level, but that is also another discussion.

Gym Etiquette pt. 1 – Noise

Posted on October 18, 2010 by Justin

I was at a fitness facility a few weeks ago and (aside from people half squatting, which drives me insane), there was a guy making lots of noise. He was in his forties, and every single movement (whether he was picking something up off the ground or completing a rep) was accompanied by “Eeeeeeeeeeeeh, sahhhhhhhhh!”. When you say the “Eeeeh!” part, make it come from the depths of your throat without the guttural addition — kinda like when an umpire calls a strike (“Streeeeeeeeeh!”). The second part, the “sahhhhh”, is comparable to the noise you might make after taking a sip of delicious beer (mmm, beer). However, you add on the sharp “s” noise at the beginning which is comparable to the beginning of the word “sayonara” (the Japanese word that has become slang for “see you later, mother trucker”). Both of the sounds were done at a decibel level equal to that of an exuberant third-strike-umpire, and it was audible across the facility.

Only people with three arms are allowed to do front raises

I would consider this unacceptable even if he was doing a heavy set of squats, but the guy was doing…front dumbbell raises. This irrelevant exercise doesn’t garner enough energy to emit strange sounds, much less warranting the noise of an intense Karate fight. Making excessive noise in a fitness facility, “gym”, or gym is lame because it means you want attention. If you were wanting attention, you could roll your sleeves up and wear shirts with jewels, crosses, and skulls on them like everybody else.

Non-excessive noise is acceptable if and only if you are experiencing high intensity. This would require a high percentage of your max or lots of reps (i.e. > 10) with a significant percentage of your max. I’ve grunted when lifting before, but I think the only time I’ve ever screamed was when I hurt my back at the bottom of a rep and squatted it up so I didn’t kill Chris and the other spotter. If you’re in a public facility, yelling unnecessarily is annoying and stupid. If you’re in your own facility then yelling is not only acceptable, but encouraged. Excessive yelling should be accompanied by loud Led Zeppelin, round house kicks, and big weights. If you are yelling about a light day, then you are saying, “Look at me! I have a teeny peeny!”

Image from Little Britain, a British comedy show that is better than whatever you watch on TV.

Stupid Weight Loss Stuff

Posted on September 16, 2010 by Justin

This is obviously a strength training website, but strength training is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. I’ve always been healthy and helped people get healthy through proper exercise and nutrition. Now that revolves around properly programmed barbell training and conditioning — no shortcuts. As James Henderson says, shortcuts only net you short responses. That means that bullshit diet pills, diets, exercise machines, and gimmicks don’t do much. You have to put the time and effort in.

I’ve always been pissed off by mainstream health, whether it be magazines, TV, or online. They will usually cite a single piece of research (which may or may not be valid research in the first place) and generalize from it. Or, they’ll try pansy-ass short-cuts, and this is what this article does (Note: I’d prefer if you didn’t click on the link so that website doesn’t think they produced something worth reading, but you’re free to choose your density).

Only a creep would want this in their fridge.

This article consists of “weight-loss tips that work” for people that “can’t stick to their diet” (which I read as “fake shortcuts” for “people who can’t commit to anything and are lazy”). They list ten things that are supposed to achieve this, and it’s one of the shittiest lists I’ve ever seen. Several of the items don’t even make sense when you consider their “politically correct” and mainstream fitness source. One method tells the reader to literally gross themselves out by getting their silverware dirty, tossing a napkin on their plate, or (get ready for this) buying a five pound glob of fat to put in the fridge. Then there’s the whole “purposely wear your old, tight clothes so that you’re guilted into not eating food” thing. When did negative reinforcement become a favorite weapon of mainstream health? These are the same people that say you shouldn’t spank your kids (or even your dogs).

One method was suggesting that you change the ingredients of your favorite fattening foods (like cake and muffins) to include no-sugar apple sauce and whole-wheat flour. This, of course, ignores the whole hormonal effect from macro-nutrients and encourages the person to continue eating carbohydrate rich foods that will inevitably continue making them more fat. It’s almost as stupid as recommending people to laugh in order to burn calories and shape their six pack. Oh, wait, they did that too.

Not only has money been wasted on doing research on laughter as exercise, they’ve gone off and RECOMMENDED that you should be laughing a MINIMUM of 15 minutes a day. I am so PISSED as I’m typing this saldkkvh’oiauwnba owhf3082hjxckmnvsxcc s1!!11!!!

No motion sensor devices are fittin' in there

Big breath, ooooooKAY. It was also recommended to purchase dishware that is smaller, since apparently larger plates make people eat too much. Oh, and fidgeting throughout the day is recommended in order to burn calories. You know how they came up with that one? They put “motion-sensing devices in underwear”. I’m not making this shit up. They put a thing-a-ma-bob in the underwear of regular people and fat people, and found that fat people were moving less. No shit?

“Say…” says the pervert, “Think we can do some research where we, uh, put some, uh, devices…yeah devices! into people’s underwear? To, you know, check for movement and stuff throughout the day.”
“Johnson, I think you’re onto something. Let’s get that funding.”

The only decent pieces of advice were getting rid of junk food in the house and doing push-ups during commercials. I didn’t say it was good advice, just decent. Because it didn’t give any hints on what you should be eating (besides cake and toothpaste) and it didn’t suggest that fat people should deviate from their normal schedule of watching TV at night. Fuck. That.

It’s hard for the average person to even know what is best for them, especially when bullshit like this is fed to them on a regular basis. They won’t understand that you can’t trick your body into becoming un-fat. Creating more metabolically active tissue, in the form of muscle mass, is the first step in a healthy exercise program. You do that by getting stronger. You throw in some interval type conditioning relative to that person’s ability, have them stop eating processed foods and simple carbohydrates, and it’s a pretty fool proof plan. It’s a shame that the majority of people trying to help them are actually hurting them.

Don’t Do That, Do This

Posted on July 6, 2010 by Justin

I recently moved to Florida and I’ve been training in a gym temporarily until I get the rest of my own equipment. I kind of forgot what goes on in a “normal gym”. Useless exercises done on a whim compounded with silly conversation. Namely:

Hey bro – what are you doing today?

Chest and abz…BRO!

Aight bro, take it easy.

Nah bro, I love my abz.

At least that’s what I remember. It doesn’t necessarily bother me that these fellas are doing exercises to look better, nor does the perpetual use of the word “bro”. It bothers me that they are still “doing body parts”. Doing arms. Doing shoulders. “Doing” is a present participle that should only be followed by the word “work” or the name of your current fling.

The problem is that Muscle and Fitness is still the leader in educating young men how to lift weights, and this is probably a by-product of the Joe Weider/Bob Hoffman rivalry (which may also be the same as the historical bodybuilding/weightlifting disparity). It sure does give me a laugh when people call it “Muscle and Fiction”. Har-dee-har-har, hee-haw, haaaaa……..heh…..ha. So clever. In any case, that publication is the primary training source, because god knows ACSM isn’t helping out And herein lies the problem.

Deadlifts = growth

If you want your body to grow, specifically lean body mass, you have to train your body for what it is: a system. When you train the body as a system, it reacts as a system. The primary systemic reaction from a training bout is a hormonal change. Testosterone is blunted, cortisol is released, and growth hormone will increase after some time (among other things). Hormonal fluctuations immediately react to the changes that your systemic training bout induced, and they also start working on how to bring the body back to a state of normalcy and improve that state of normalcy so that the body can handle more similar disruption easier in the future. You can think of this as maintaining homeostasis and the body wanting to make it harder to disrupt homeostasis.

The only way to force such a disruption is to train lots of muscle mass relatively heavy. Compound movements, those that include lots of joints and subsequently lots of muscles, do this splendidly. That’s why we want you to squat, press, deadlift, clean, and snatch your way to a stronger, bigger physique. Those are the exercises that utilize the most muscle to create enough of a systemic disturbance that requires certain hormones to improve muscular growth and force production. Isolation exercises don’t get the same response. Even if you were doing, say, the bench press followed by dips; it wouldn’t get the same response either because you are focusing on that one area of the body. You’re just “doing chest and tris”. Instead, let’s get some fucking disruption by squatting, benching, cleaning, and then doing dips. You’ll get a lovely stress/response that will help you on your 70’s Big Quest.

Really?

Digest that again. Instead of doing silly isolation training, use compound lifts that use lots of muscle to put on lean body mass (studies by Dr. Robert Kraemer indicate that whole body-workouts are more effective than partial-body workouts to induce hormonal disruption). Do several of these compound lifts to work the whole body. Hormonal disruption will occur. So will recovery. The result is an adaptation. You are now stronger. Do this continually and utilize aspects of recover (nutrition, sleep, etc.) to promote the creation of new tissue, and the muscles grow larger as the strength increases. The amount of work to cause the stress and the length of time for recovery are variables dependent on an individual’s training adaptation, but the process is relatively the same.

The reason that this works over the typical fitness methods is because it takes the systemic effect of training into consideration. Magazines only worry about the local effect; what is going on at a specific muscle and how it can be worked to grow. They ignore the necessary systemic response that promotes an environment of growth for that muscle. They also ignore the fact that using significant amounts of weight, namely above 80% of a 1RM, produces significantly larger disruption to elicit a useful response. Then there’s the whole argument (that Rip is known for establishing) about the classic barbell lifts using pretty much every muscle from the head to the toes, and you can see why trying anything else first is a waste of time.

Those of you who have done a linear progression note how well ALL of your muscles developed and grew and how much stronger you were after doing it. It’s just a shame that the perceived authority is either ignorant of this concept or refuses to accept its value. And don’t even get me started on the abz, bro.