Halloween Costume Contest

In the past we actually set up a premeditated costume contest. This year, I posted the idea on the day of Halloween, and there was still an amusing response. Here are the contestants with the winner at the very bottom.

Andrew as Slash

Andrew as Slash

Chet as Kissing Booth

Chet as a Kissing Booth

Chris and Family as Ninja Turtles

Chris and Family as Ninja Turtles

Chris as Pumpkin Pie

Chris as Pumpkin Pie

Clay as Duff McKagan

Clay as Duff McKagan

Graham as Jon Snow

Graham as Jon Snow

Iain as Teen Wolf

Iain as Teen Wolf

JT as Walter

JT as Walter

Julian as Bane

Julian as Bane

Liam as the Driver

Liam as the Driver

Matt as Macho Man

Matt as Macho Man

Mike's pup as a unicorn

Mike’s pup as a Unicorn

Paul as a Georgia State Bicycle Cop

Paul as a Georgia State Bicycle Cop

Peter as Pikachu

Peter as Pikachu

Rosco as a Bomber Pilot

Rosco as a Bomber Pilot

Tim as Simon from Adventure Time

Tim as Simon from Adventure Time

William as Hanz or Franz

William as Hanz…or Franz

Mike as Monroe

Mike as Monroe

Kyle as Strong Man

Kyle as an Old Time Strong Man

We couldn’t decide who should win, so these last two guys (Mike and Kyle) will both get a shirt. Guys, send me an email with your address, shirt choice, and size. Well done on respectively disturbing and awesome costumes.

PR Friday – 31 OCT 2014

PR Friday — Post your training updates, PR’s, and questions to the comments for the 70′s Big crew

Weekly Q&A gives you a chance to ask anyone from the 70′s Big Crew a question in the comments below, on Facebook, or Twitter. Follow 70′s Big on Instagram

Today I also posted Chalk Talk #10 – Clean Your Press; if you want to spice up or fix your press training, check that article out.

My friends, today is Halloween. We’re gonna have an impromptu picture contest, so post your costume pictures to the Facebook, TwitterInstagram, or the comments here. If the costume is 70′s Big-ish, it’ll help. The winner will get a 70′s Big t-shirt of their choice. If you’re not dressing up, then at the very least you can slap together something like Chris did a few years ago:

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The Feast

The premise of my nutrition philosophy is quality, non-inflammatory foods in appropriate macros to fuel performance. Improved body composition is a resultant or secondary goal. I use the Paleo Diet as a foundation; it is predicated on eliminating harmful foods from the diet as well as putting an emphasis on real food instead of edible processed items. Improving food quality will drop body fat off of people, but the uber Paleo approach is low on carbs.

The obvious solution — and I am baffled as to why people don’t intuitively do this — is to eat more carbs. In Paleo for Lifters I use potatoes as a primary source of carbohydrates as they are not a gut irritant and few things sound more manly than “meat and potatoes”.

It’s pretty simple: meat and potatoes, vegetables, fruit, and lots of quality fat. You can lift and train hard on this eating method. You can improve your health metrics like blood lipid profiles and blood pressure on this diet. Sometimes, you can even feast on this diet.

What is a feast? 

A feast is an event in a man’s life when he consumes a significant amount of food. Feasts are inherently at least 1.5 pounds of food; anything less is merely a meal. Feasts are memorable because of their sheer quantity, taste, or complexity. A feast should be so special, you can look back at it and say, “Remember that feast?” Everyone around you will stare with an unfocused gaze and nod their heads, “Yeah, I remember…”
Below is a modest feast.

Is food quality a concern? 

It depends. In Paleo for Lifters I give specific instructions to different population types. Are you fat and need to lose it? Are you skinny and need to gain muscle? Are you low body fat but could gain some weight? These scenarios will dictate the feast.

It’s entirely possible to have a Paleo for Lifters feast. Grill a few pounds of steak, a few rack of ribs, or a pork loin (or all three), throw in some taters with butter and go to town. But usually those feasts aren’t as fun.

If you’re concerned with health or body fat, then tighten your feast’s shot group. If you just want to have a sit down with the boys and feast your god damn eyes out, then make it official: have a feast.

How to feast? 

Feasts can be impromptu or planned, yet they need to be at least 1.5 pounds of food, preferably more. The only necessary ingredient for a feast is meat; a feast without meat is no different than your front lawn. You wouldn’t eat your lawn for half an hour, would you?

Make conditions as perfect as possible. Cook or grill it your favorite way. Get your favorite sauces, spices, or beverage. Ideally you should make it a group event. Men who feast in groups are happier, have higher T levels, and have bigger biceps.

You have two approaches to the feast: The Crush Method or The Marathon Method.

SSlam1988WarriorThe Crush Method – This is when you sit down, stare at your food for a fleeting, poetic moment, and then feast in the same manner that the Ultimate Warrior shakes the ropes. If you’re going for pure volume or you’re really hungry, this method is ideal.

My friend Jeremy (owner of CrossFit Annandale) has a Brazilian Mastiff who weighs at least 165 pounds. His name is Cane, and he “crushes” on a regular basis. Cane knows no other method. Jeremy gives him three or four chicken thighs, and Cane crushes. He snaps the bones and nearly swallows the chicken hole. We can all learn from Cane’s crushing ability.

The Marathon MethodChoose this method when in a large gathering. Barbecues, weddings, or reunions aren’t necessarily the time and place for The Crush Method. Instead, stay uncomfortably full throughout a day. Sample everything. Eat as many animals as possible (preferably already dead and cooked). Be merry. And if someone looks at you questionably, look at the women around you and shout, “OUR DIET STARTS TOMORROW! AM I RIGHT, GIRLS?”

The Meat Sweats

At some point in your feasting, you may notice a phenomenon known as “the meat sweats”. In the absence of dysfunctional kidneys, don’t let this deter you. It’s merely your body’s excited way of saying, “Yes! You’re doing it! Keep going!”

One of the guy’s I’ve trained returned home from a special operations selection. After several weeks of limited food intake, he had a hankering for a feast. He went to Krystal’s and ordered — and feasted upon — 24 Krystal burgers. He reported meat sweats so significant, it was dripping off his nose during the feast.

24 Krystal burgers may sound disgusting — because it is — but it’s an impressive feast.

And that, my friends, is what this is all about. Do something impressive. Do something memorable. Have a feast.

 

When Eggs Grow Stale

I’ve noticed some guys complaining about how bland their eggs are. Our own Arin Canecchio and Chris Riley go through spurts when they find it difficult to wolf down six eggs in the morning. I’ve eaten at least three or four eggs every day for almost ten years. Since 2009 I’ve eaten at least five, and usually more than six with peaks of eight or nine. To the complaining gentlemen, I say, “You are a fool.” Dress your eggs up and they won’t let you down. Here’s how.

USE BACON

How could you forget? Nowadays I hate to talk about how great bacon is because all of the hipster pieces of shit tasted it after several months of anorexia nervosa and realized they were fucking missing something. Naturally they rallied together — the most ironic hipster-piece-of-shit thing to do since they allegedly want to lead an independent lifestyle — to make a bunch of shitty t-shirts and memes and never shut the fuck up about it. Yeah, we get it, bacon is fucking awesome; WELCOME TO 1776 AND 1861 WHERE BEARDED AMERICANS ATE BACON WAY BEFORE YOU FORGOT HOW MUCH YOU HATED YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU TASTED IT ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL.

Let’s move on. If you clicked the Civil War link above, you would have seen that bacon grease was used to fry beef and corn meal. Confederate and Union soldiers didn’t carry around chickens or delicate eggs, but we’re going to use the same principle.

Hipsters weren't the first to eat bacon.

Hipsters weren’t the first to eat bacon.

SELECTING YOUR BACON

Do you like skinny hipsters? Ptsh, then why would you want skinny bacon? I know of over 900 studies about why thick bacon is better, and they are all single day case studies where I cooked it, ate it, and pat myself on the back for such a solid decision. Thick bacon will cook better, have a better consistency, and yield an appropriate amount of grease (discussed later). I shouldn’t have to say this, but the bacon I’m referring to is the United States variety; Canadian and Australian styles are good, but standard Second Amendment loving Americans will call that “ham”.

BACON TO EGG RATIO

You read that title and thought, “Holy SHIT, I’ve never even thought about this,” didn’t you? I’m here to show you the way. After over 900 studies, I’ve found that two pieces of thick bacon for every two or three eggs is optimal. If you’re bitching about how it’s not enough, then you don’t understand scrambled egg cuisine and can kindly leave. If you’re bitching about how it’s “too much”, then you’re probably a) a terrorist or b) one of the aforementioned hipsters who googled “bacon” looking for a sweet meme to send to your hipster friends so you can ironically fit in with a social crowd instead of doing some squats and curls before bed.

CUT DEM BACONS

No, don’t cut your bacon like a young Ray Lewis; take your pieces of stacked thick bacon and cut it in two to three centimeter segments (for you neanderthals, that’s about an inch). The layers of the bacon pieces will separate when you cook it in the pan.

Bacon thickness as well as cut segment length.

Bacon thickness as well as cut segment length.

FRY THE BACON

Not too hot, mind you. If the temperature is too high, then you’ll just sear the outside too quickly and potentially ruin the consistency. On a stove where “10″ is “High”, I’ll go to 7.5 at the highest. If you want the satisfying sizzle when you put the bacon in the pan, then warm the pan, but it’s not organic to this operation.

WHIP YOUR EGGS

While your bacon is frying, you can prepare your coffee (I prefer a press pot) and eggs. Crack your eggs into a bowl, and whip that shit with a fork. If you use a whisk, then you’re like my 5’3″ mom. If you have a pair of testicles, use a nice, heavy fork. I take a lot of pride in my egg whipping ability; I’m the best on both sides of the Mississippi. On New Year’s Day, I whipped two dozen eggs. Proof below, fuckers.

The technique is a circular wrist motion. You want to think about pulling the eggs off of the surface, break that surface tension, and then push them towards the bottom of the bowl without hitting your fork on the bottom. The business end of the fork has an elliptical motion and the key is pulling the egg off the surface. If you do this quick enough, it looks like you’re separating the layers of the egg and results in much fluffier scrambled eggs without using any cream or milk (which are traditionally used to fluff them up).

ASSESS BACON GREASE SITUATION

Notice what’s happening here; you’re frying the cut bacon in a pan prior to cooking eggs. That’s because you’re going to put your scrambled eggs into the pan with your bacon. This how you’ll change your retardedly bland breakfast into a heavenly romp through taste and time.

You want your bacon to be cooked, but you don’t want it to be charred or overly crispy. Ideally, if you’re a sensible human, you’d want your bacon to have a slight chewy texture instead of crunchy. You wouldn’t cook a steak like a giant buffalo chip (i.e. piece of cow shit), would you? That’s almost as bad as not eating steak.

This bacon is almost ready.

This bacon is almost ready.

Aside from the bacon “doneness” is the grease situation. Too much grease will result in sweaty eggs; their texture will be oily and you’ll feel like you’re eating the stool of someone with cholecystitis. As crazy as this sounds, too little bacon grease is better than too much. Get a jar and pour your excess bacon grease into it (you can use that grease on your baked vegetables later that evening). Knowing how much grease you need for a given amount of eggs is a learned skill, but if you tip your pan at a 45 degree angle (as if you were going to pour grease into the jar), you wouldn’t want your pieces of bacon submerged. The grease does serve a purpose, so don’t pour it all out; it coats your pan to prevent the eggs from sticking, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. The picture below shows the grease pouring technique and the amount of grease before and after pouring.

IMG_20140212_111831_197

POUR IN AND COOK THE EGGS

I’m quite surprised at how some people manage to fuck this part of the process up because it’s very easy. Your pan will be hot enough to make any amount of eggs within a couple of minutes. Pour the eggs over the bacon, make sure your bacon pieces are evenly distributed throughout, and continue to use your spatula to move the eggs off the bottom and sides of the pan.

Letting the eggs sit in the pan, as if you were making an omelette, results in an overcooked eggsterior (I couldn’t resist). If your eggs have a slight browning, that means you’re doing it wrong. If you like that, refer to the charred steak comment above. There’s probably some validity to an argument that would claim you’re denaturing some of the protein by overcooking it, but we’ll save that for another day. Just remember: move the eggs around and off of the pan by flipping the eggs constantly until they are light and fluffy. The fluffiness will be highly dependent on your whipping ability. I also like to use the edge of the spatula to break up the eggs so they aren’t in big clumps. This will improve the texture.

CONSUME AND ENJOY

This next part can make or break your egg eating experience. Some of you will be amazed at how much the bacon will improve your eggs, but if you’ve eaten them like this before you may need something more. I prefer condiments on my eggs, namely ketchup (without high fructose corn syrup in compliance with Paleo for Lifters). Ketchup works really well with white potato hash browns, which you can buy pre-cut up or make from scratch in grass-fed butter or coconut oil. I also like Chipotle Tabasco sauce, but that’s more so for fried eggs or scrambled eggs eaten with my Sweet Potato Hash recipe.

A dozen eggs yields enough for two.

A dozen eggs yields enough for two.

And there you have it. If you’re hating your egg eating experience, you need to cook them with your bacon. Food doesn’t have to be bland, so stop doing all this hipster-like complaining and dress your eggs up.

Take Back the Tank Tops

Take Back the Tank Tops – Part 3 of The Revolution for Masculinity

It’s July, you’re an adult, and therefore don’t need me to tell you, “Sun’s out, guns out”. It’s warm in the northern hemisphere, folks, and that means you should dress accordingly.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-predatorIn The Revolutionary Guide to Manly Short Shorts I explained how the weak and pussified mainstream societal body image is trying to change the evolutionary notion that men are supposed to be, well, men. That article gave you a weapon against the masses: muscularity, burliness, and short god damn shorts.

The Revolution – Part 2 taught you how you can continue this mission in the winter months by not only wearing flannel, but taking back the flannel style from hipsters who would only wish to see us fail. The hipster is a pukish spawn of the urban middle class who hypocritically aims to “buck the system” by falling in line and dressing like everyone else in his chosen social class. Furthermore, the hipster tries to steal styles and claim them as their own; last I checked flannel and PBR were associated with gritty men and calloused hands, not mid-town socialites searching for a life purpose.

Hipsters, like cockroaches, survive in warm weather and continue their thievery in the summer by wearing tank tops. THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND.

If we’re going to help change America’s perception on what is manly or even attractive, then we need to actively put it out there. Why cover up the musculature and chest hair established through squatting, pressing, and deadlifting? Why wear more clothes and sweat more in hot weather? This is straightforward logic, folks. Here is your guide to wearing tank tops in support of The Revolution of Masculinity.

1. Looking the part.

Hopefully you didn’t wake up today and realize it was summer; some pre-season preparation will help your tank-top-wearing-ability. My lawyer friend was at Wendy’s with his boss and ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and a baked potato. His boss said, “Oh no fries? Trying to slim down, huh?” To which my friend said, “It’s beach season, bro.” They laughed; friend wasn’t kidding.

It’s possible to be strong, perform well, and look jacked. Anyone who campaigns against aesthetic goals is probably portly and unhealthy anyway. But looking the part does take effort. If you’re not really in tank top shape, then you’re either fat or not big enough. If you’re fat, then improve your food quality and macronutrients (there’s a book somewhere that can help with that). If you’re not big enough, then continue squatting, pressing, benching, and deadlifting every week, but be sure to do weighted pull-ups and chin-ups, barbell rows, and thousands of hammer curls.

Years ago I was walking on a track shirtless when a brigand drove by — driving a Honda Civic with a giant spoiler to prevent his powerful machine from achieving flight — and yelled, “GET A TAN, BUDDY!”. I remembered this experience because a) the absurdity of the act of ordering someone to do something they were already doing and b) he was wearing a wife beater with a fake tan. Other than wanting to tell you an amusing story, it’s best to let the sun bathe your skin during the warm months. You’ll get some Vitamin D and can look like you belong in a tank top or have something going on.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we're up against.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we’re up against.

2. Choosing a tank top.  

Tank tops have never really gone out of style, but the modern tank tops have gotten progressively irritating; wife beaters covered with gold chains or stains and exceptionally tight styles worn by foo-foo models. Don’t bother with this facade.

Avoid tank tops with spirally text or tribal designs. Realistically you should avoid any writing or image on the tank top at all unless it’s a gym logo or something awesome like a grizzly bear riding a shark while shooting a Tommy gun. New age tank tops typically have a lot of horizontal lines, which I don’t understand, but your physique should be able to overcome this distraction.

Keep in mind that sleeveless shirts are not a substitute for a tank top. Cutting the sleeves off of a shirt is very high schoolish and buying pre-made sleeveless shirts is even worse. We’re trying to run a god damn revolution, man! Not a camp for wannabe bodybuilders.

3. Playing the part. 

Modern-day tank tops are stuffed with tiny fake-men, but worse is that these pseudo-men also act like weasels. They wander through life with a notion that the world owes them something. That their inferiority should be met with compensation — like a trophy for participating or a high-five for trying. These “men” don’t understand the concept that hard things must be done to get better — like stepping under a god damn barbell and squatting all the way down.

Understand that the Masculinity Revolution is not a show of posh muscularity, but a statement that says, “I not only recognize my weakness, but accept it and work to turn it into a strength.” By moving cold iron with calloused and chalked hands, you live a unique motto that creates a hurricane of personal responsibility and grit. When the winds die down after each training session, and the eye of the storm passes once again, you comprehend the very important lesson that things worth having require tedious and grotesquely hard work. Each repetition, set, and training session are proof that you dared to be different, that you took responsibility in life to build yourself to be something the world lacks — a god damn man.

Remember, we aren’t wearing tank tops to flaunt and elbow through a crowd of hipsters like a bunch of Tommy Tough Guys. While you may want to do that, your goal is to politely and respectfully out-alpha the little weirdos by using long-lost customs like firm hand shakes, eye contact, and chivalrous manners. You want someone to walk away and think, “My god, that was a man.”

A non-sober tank top pic from last year's Tucson seminar.

A non-sober tank top pic from last year’s Tucson seminar.

Fight the Good Fight

Each morning you have a choice. You can wander through life as a weak representative of the male gender, or you can throw on a tank top and short shorts and unapologetically define what true machoism is. Train your dick off, accomplish lots, and ultimately dare to be different; dare to be a man.