When Eggs Grow Stale

I’ve noticed some guys complaining about how bland their eggs are. Our own Arin Canecchio and Chris Riley go through spurts when they find it difficult to wolf down six eggs in the morning. I’ve eaten at least three or four eggs every day for almost ten years. Since 2009 I’ve eaten at least five, and usually more than six with peaks of eight or nine. To the complaining gentlemen, I say, “You are a fool.” Dress your eggs up and they won’t let you down. Here’s how.

USE BACON

How could you forget? Nowadays I hate to talk about how great bacon is because all of the hipster pieces of shit tasted it after several months of anorexia nervosa and realized they were fucking missing something. Naturally they rallied together — the most ironic hipster-piece-of-shit thing to do since they allegedly want to lead an independent lifestyle — to make a bunch of shitty t-shirts and memes and never shut the fuck up about it. Yeah, we get it, bacon is fucking awesome; WELCOME TO 1776 AND 1861 WHERE BEARDED AMERICANS ATE BACON WAY BEFORE YOU FORGOT HOW MUCH YOU HATED YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU TASTED IT ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL.

Let’s move on. If you clicked the Civil War link above, you would have seen that bacon grease was used to fry beef and corn meal. Confederate and Union soldiers didn’t carry around chickens or delicate eggs, but we’re going to use the same principle.

Hipsters weren't the first to eat bacon.

Hipsters weren’t the first to eat bacon.

SELECTING YOUR BACON

Do you like skinny hipsters? Ptsh, then why would you want skinny bacon? I know of over 900 studies about why thick bacon is better, and they are all single day case studies where I cooked it, ate it, and pat myself on the back for such a solid decision. Thick bacon will cook better, have a better consistency, and yield an appropriate amount of grease (discussed later). I shouldn’t have to say this, but the bacon I’m referring to is the United States variety; Canadian and Australian styles are good, but standard Second Amendment loving Americans will call that “ham”.

BACON TO EGG RATIO

You read that title and thought, “Holy SHIT, I’ve never even thought about this,” didn’t you? I’m here to show you the way. After over 900 studies, I’ve found that two pieces of thick bacon for every two or three eggs is optimal. If you’re bitching about how it’s not enough, then you don’t understand scrambled egg cuisine and can kindly leave. If you’re bitching about how it’s “too much”, then you’re probably a) a terrorist or b) one of the aforementioned hipsters who googled “bacon” looking for a sweet meme to send to your hipster friends so you can ironically fit in with a social crowd instead of doing some squats and curls before bed.

CUT DEM BACONS

No, don’t cut your bacon like a young Ray Lewis; take your pieces of stacked thick bacon and cut it in two to three centimeter segments (for you neanderthals, that’s about an inch). The layers of the bacon pieces will separate when you cook it in the pan.

Bacon thickness as well as cut segment length.

Bacon thickness as well as cut segment length.

FRY THE BACON

Not too hot, mind you. If the temperature is too high, then you’ll just sear the outside too quickly and potentially ruin the consistency. On a stove where “10″ is “High”, I’ll go to 7.5 at the highest. If you want the satisfying sizzle when you put the bacon in the pan, then warm the pan, but it’s not organic to this operation.

WHIP YOUR EGGS

While your bacon is frying, you can prepare your coffee (I prefer a press pot) and eggs. Crack your eggs into a bowl, and whip that shit with a fork. If you use a whisk, then you’re like my 5’3″ mom. If you have a pair of testicles, use a nice, heavy fork. I take a lot of pride in my egg whipping ability; I’m the best on both sides of the Mississippi. On New Year’s Day, I whipped two dozen eggs. Proof below, fuckers.

The technique is a circular wrist motion. You want to think about pulling the eggs off of the surface, break that surface tension, and then push them towards the bottom of the bowl without hitting your fork on the bottom. The business end of the fork has an elliptical motion and the key is pulling the egg off the surface. If you do this quick enough, it looks like you’re separating the layers of the egg and results in much fluffier scrambled eggs without using any cream or milk (which are traditionally used to fluff them up).

ASSESS BACON GREASE SITUATION

Notice what’s happening here; you’re frying the cut bacon in a pan prior to cooking eggs. That’s because you’re going to put your scrambled eggs into the pan with your bacon. This how you’ll change your retardedly bland breakfast into a heavenly romp through taste and time.

You want your bacon to be cooked, but you don’t want it to be charred or overly crispy. Ideally, if you’re a sensible human, you’d want your bacon to have a slight chewy texture instead of crunchy. You wouldn’t cook a steak like a giant buffalo chip (i.e. piece of cow shit), would you? That’s almost as bad as not eating steak.

This bacon is almost ready.

This bacon is almost ready.

Aside from the bacon “doneness” is the grease situation. Too much grease will result in sweaty eggs; their texture will be oily and you’ll feel like you’re eating the stool of someone with cholecystitis. As crazy as this sounds, too little bacon grease is better than too much. Get a jar and pour your excess bacon grease into it (you can use that grease on your baked vegetables later that evening). Knowing how much grease you need for a given amount of eggs is a learned skill, but if you tip your pan at a 45 degree angle (as if you were going to pour grease into the jar), you wouldn’t want your pieces of bacon submerged. The grease does serve a purpose, so don’t pour it all out; it coats your pan to prevent the eggs from sticking, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. The picture below shows the grease pouring technique and the amount of grease before and after pouring.

IMG_20140212_111831_197

POUR IN AND COOK THE EGGS

I’m quite surprised at how some people manage to fuck this part of the process up because it’s very easy. Your pan will be hot enough to make any amount of eggs within a couple of minutes. Pour the eggs over the bacon, make sure your bacon pieces are evenly distributed throughout, and continue to use your spatula to move the eggs off the bottom and sides of the pan.

Letting the eggs sit in the pan, as if you were making an omelette, results in an overcooked eggsterior (I couldn’t resist). If your eggs have a slight browning, that means you’re doing it wrong. If you like that, refer to the charred steak comment above. There’s probably some validity to an argument that would claim you’re denaturing some of the protein by overcooking it, but we’ll save that for another day. Just remember: move the eggs around and off of the pan by flipping the eggs constantly until they are light and fluffy. The fluffiness will be highly dependent on your whipping ability. I also like to use the edge of the spatula to break up the eggs so they aren’t in big clumps. This will improve the texture.

CONSUME AND ENJOY

This next part can make or break your egg eating experience. Some of you will be amazed at how much the bacon will improve your eggs, but if you’ve eaten them like this before you may need something more. I prefer condiments on my eggs, namely ketchup (without high fructose corn syrup in compliance with Paleo for Lifters). Ketchup works really well with white potato hash browns, which you can buy pre-cut up or make from scratch in grass-fed butter or coconut oil. I also like Chipotle Tabasco sauce, but that’s more so for fried eggs or scrambled eggs eaten with my Sweet Potato Hash recipe.

A dozen eggs yields enough for two.

A dozen eggs yields enough for two.

And there you have it. If you’re hating your egg eating experience, you need to cook them with your bacon. Food doesn’t have to be bland, so stop doing all this hipster-like complaining and dress your eggs up.

Take Back the Tank Tops

Take Back the Tank Tops – Part 3 of The Revolution for Masculinity

It’s July, you’re an adult, and therefore don’t need me to tell you, “Sun’s out, guns out”. It’s warm in the northern hemisphere, folks, and that means you should dress accordingly.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-predatorIn The Revolutionary Guide to Manly Short Shorts I explained how the weak and pussified mainstream societal body image is trying to change the evolutionary notion that men are supposed to be, well, men. That article gave you a weapon against the masses: muscularity, burliness, and short god damn shorts.

The Revolution – Part 2 taught you how you can continue this mission in the winter months by not only wearing flannel, but taking back the flannel style from hipsters who would only wish to see us fail. The hipster is a pukish spawn of the urban middle class who hypocritically aims to “buck the system” by falling in line and dressing like everyone else in his chosen social class. Furthermore, the hipster tries to steal styles and claim them as their own; last I checked flannel and PBR were associated with gritty men and calloused hands, not mid-town socialites searching for a life purpose.

Hipsters, like cockroaches, survive in warm weather and continue their thievery in the summer by wearing tank tops. THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND.

If we’re going to help change America’s perception on what is manly or even attractive, then we need to actively put it out there. Why cover up the musculature and chest hair established through squatting, pressing, and deadlifting? Why wear more clothes and sweat more in hot weather? This is straightforward logic, folks. Here is your guide to wearing tank tops in support of The Revolution of Masculinity.

1. Looking the part.

Hopefully you didn’t wake up today and realize it was summer; some pre-season preparation will help your tank-top-wearing-ability. My lawyer friend was at Wendy’s with his boss and ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and a baked potato. His boss said, “Oh no fries? Trying to slim down, huh?” To which my friend said, “It’s beach season, bro.” They laughed; friend wasn’t kidding.

It’s possible to be strong, perform well, and look jacked. Anyone who campaigns against aesthetic goals is probably portly and unhealthy anyway. But looking the part does take effort. If you’re not really in tank top shape, then you’re either fat or not big enough. If you’re fat, then improve your food quality and macronutrients (there’s a book somewhere that can help with that). If you’re not big enough, then continue squatting, pressing, benching, and deadlifting every week, but be sure to do weighted pull-ups and chin-ups, barbell rows, and thousands of hammer curls.

Years ago I was walking on a track shirtless when a brigand drove by — driving a Honda Civic with a giant spoiler to prevent his powerful machine from achieving flight — and yelled, “GET A TAN, BUDDY!”. I remembered this experience because a) the absurdity of the act of ordering someone to do something they were already doing and b) he was wearing a wife beater with a fake tan. Other than wanting to tell you an amusing story, it’s best to let the sun bathe your skin during the warm months. You’ll get some Vitamin D and can look like you belong in a tank top or have something going on.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we're up against.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we’re up against.

2. Choosing a tank top.  

Tank tops have never really gone out of style, but the modern tank tops have gotten progressively irritating; wife beaters covered with gold chains or stains and exceptionally tight styles worn by foo-foo models. Don’t bother with this facade.

Avoid tank tops with spirally text or tribal designs. Realistically you should avoid any writing or image on the tank top at all unless it’s a gym logo or something awesome like a grizzly bear riding a shark while shooting a Tommy gun. New age tank tops typically have a lot of horizontal lines, which I don’t understand, but your physique should be able to overcome this distraction.

Keep in mind that sleeveless shirts are not a substitute for a tank top. Cutting the sleeves off of a shirt is very high schoolish and buying pre-made sleeveless shirts is even worse. We’re trying to run a god damn revolution, man! Not a camp for wannabe bodybuilders.

3. Playing the part. 

Modern-day tank tops are stuffed with tiny fake-men, but worse is that these pseudo-men also act like weasels. They wander through life with a notion that the world owes them something. That their inferiority should be met with compensation — like a trophy for participating or a high-five for trying. These “men” don’t understand the concept that hard things must be done to get better — like stepping under a god damn barbell and squatting all the way down.

Understand that the Masculinity Revolution is not a show of posh muscularity, but a statement that says, “I not only recognize my weakness, but accept it and work to turn it into a strength.” By moving cold iron with calloused and chalked hands, you live a unique motto that creates a hurricane of personal responsibility and grit. When the winds die down after each training session, and the eye of the storm passes once again, you comprehend the very important lesson that things worth having require tedious and grotesquely hard work. Each repetition, set, and training session are proof that you dared to be different, that you took responsibility in life to build yourself to be something the world lacks — a god damn man.

Remember, we aren’t wearing tank tops to flaunt and elbow through a crowd of hipsters like a bunch of Tommy Tough Guys. While you may want to do that, your goal is to politely and respectfully out-alpha the little weirdos by using long-lost customs like firm hand shakes, eye contact, and chivalrous manners. You want someone to walk away and think, “My god, that was a man.”

A non-sober tank top pic from last year's Tucson seminar.

A non-sober tank top pic from last year’s Tucson seminar.

Fight the Good Fight

Each morning you have a choice. You can wander through life as a weak representative of the male gender, or you can throw on a tank top and short shorts and unapologetically define what true machoism is. Train your dick off, accomplish lots, and ultimately dare to be different; dare to be a man.

PR Friday, 12 April 2013

Annnnnnnnd we’re back! Our servers made some mistakes yesterday (burpees instead of squats…tsk, tsk) and had to be put in timeout for half a day. Some unplanned maintenance later by our men in Berlin, and the ISIS mainframes have been upgraded with new neural net processors – learning computers – and our R2 is back on our 6, by the light of Kate Upton’s eyes. Bueno? Bueno.

So, let’s get back to business. This week, we had a post about Iris’s strength journey. AC taught us how to press more gooder (this was real, real popular on reddit). Markotta had us reflect on our motivation. Mike used the time off from reading the site to ignore Paul’s question and answer everyone else’s.

Additionally, USAPL Collegiate Nationals is this weekend in Killeen, TX. There’s going to be some pretty impressive single-ply lifting going on, and there are some fierce rivalries between teams. Naturally, I think Preston Turner, Ian Bell, and the rest of the Longhorn Team is going to take the cake, but watch and see for yourself.

http://mass-lift.com/2013-collegiate-nationals/

Last week, I asked you guys and gals to submit pictures of your “70sBig face.” Wait, back up. First, I asked you to go back and re-read the original post on HOW to make a 70sBig face, and then to submit some examples. I got some great ones, and I got some that, well, I’m pretty sure were taken on the shitter in a time of duress  We’ll get there, folks, but this might take some work. I appreciate the flood of pics I got, and will post some each week.

 

“Billy” (we’ll use a code name to keep his identity a secret) sent in a picture that proves his commitment to the cause. He gets bonus points for the glasses, but the striped v-neck is hit or miss depending on yokeability. Guys, you can wear v-necks, but only if there’s chest hair poking out, mmmmk?

 

 

MeneGene spent the better part of the morning posing for this pic, showing off a pretty glorious mustache. There are literally ninja chicks beating up Abercrombie wannabee’s in the background, and he is sitting there stoicly not giving a fuck. I approve. I think there’s real blood on his shirt, too.

 

 

Jason lacks facial hair, but I’ll cut him some slack. If he was sporting a ferocious Viking beard, half the grease from this amazing burger would go to waste. Is that HAM on that hamburger, too? Shit, now I’m hungry – with a few fried eggs on top, that’d be a pretty dece breakfast. Good job, Jason. Next time, cut the sleeves off your plaid shirt for date night. Trust me, she’ll be impressed.

 

 

CriedTheFox shows us a classic selfie here, driving in some sort of van with “Free Ice Cream” scrawled on the side of it. Facial hair? Check. Cheap sunglasses? Check. Thrift-store t-shirt you’re unafraid to rip in half in case of emergency? Check. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

 

 

 

 

Blake’s got a pretty dece face here. The bushy brows, the insane look in his eyes, and a ‘Murican flag in the background are all excellent. A little more jaw-jutting would be nice, but HOLY SHIT there’s a Mustang snorting FIRE on his shirt.

 

 

 

 

We didn’t get nearly enough female face submissions, but Amanda played the game…sorta. She sent this in with the comment “No, this is not a 12 y/o boy but a 34 y/o woman.” I…I….look, I really appreciate the pic, but I….well, shit. I’m scared. You took some creative licensing and the end result is equal parts terrifying and awesome. I award you all the points, and hope to never cross your (bar)path when you’re angry.

 

 

That’s all for today. Keep the submissions coming, make sure they are LESS THAN A MEGABYTE (you’ve seen what happens when our systems get angry), and I’ll keep posting these on Fridays until I run out or get bored. Post your PR’s below. Have a great freaking weekend. Stay safe.

 

A Lesson From Mopeility WOD

You may have seen the training video from last week that included the original group of friends that helped create 70′s Big. I purposely didn’t mention how a better video exists, and it is episode #3 of Brent’s Mopeility WOD.

Some of you new readers are probably thoroughly confused, so let me explain. After I prematurely left graduate school, I was trying to find a situation where I could coach and learn. To make a long story short, I ended up at Rippetoe’s Wichita Falls Athletic Club for eighteen months. When I first arrived in January of 2009, I sat in my truck eating some food because Rip was not at the gym yet. Out walks an Asian kid carrying a gym bag with a frizzy fro sticking out six to eight inches off of his head. I sat there and thought, “Boy, he must be a real weightlifter.” I could not have been more fucking wrong.

This Asian was Brent Kim — my most peculiar and irritating best friend. Brent and I became friends, we added Chris, and we hung out and trained regularly. After painstaking effort — and by that, I mean two months of yelling arguments across the gym — I convinced Brent to do a linear progression. I also fixed the soft tissue issues in his proximal biceps, which allowed him to begin bench pressing again (breaking the scar tissue up was a lot like this). I always say that I created a monster because Brent didn’t talk a lot until he did the linear progression. Whether it was his growing strength or his growing belligerence as a result of Chris and I picking on him, Brent was a rabid verbal sparring partner. It was like yesterday that I remember him telling Cliff, a mutual friend, to “get fucked”.

Brent is an interesting creature. He historically is afraid of talking to women, goes to bed really late, sleeps through important events, enjoys being insulted, and generally has a self deprecating outlook. He weighs under 160 pounds, yet he squats more than the majority of people reading this sentence (over 405 regularly and could do over 450 no big deal). He has pretty good mechanics and has learned the utility of mobility, but he is notorious for not being coachable. My favorite story is Glen Pendlay recalling Brent not really heeding any advice he had at all, ever. And Brent has a lot of respect for Pendlay!

Anyway, Brent has an interesting personality that comes out in his former training log and now through his website MopeilityWOD.com.  The name stems from the effective MobilityWOD.com — Kelly Starrett’s engine of self mobility work — as well as the idea that at their core, every person truly is a mope. Yet this acceptance should be celebrated and shared. The translation is that MopeilityWOD is a humorous, satirical world view infused with experiential truths. But you’ll never hear that from Brent.

Still not convinced to check it out? Then this will entice you: the first time I went to Australia in 2011, I had a nearly 50 year old man ask me if Brent actually acted the way he portrays himself. The answer was an irrevocable “yes”.

A Word On Binge Drinking

If you’ve read this site for a while, you know that some of what I try to teach is based on learning a lesson the hard way. This is one of those moments.

Las Vegas is a terrible wonder. For a guy who doesn’t like intense partying, large crowds of people, smoking, people who don’t lift, gambling, or destroying his body, Vegas wasn’t an adult playground. There are many sights to take in — the Bellagio fountain, the porn strewn across the sidewalk, and the flashing lights — but I’m more of a “let’s go look at mountains” kind of guy.

I met some of my fantastic Australian friends at one of the gigantic, maze-like hotels, and proceeded to fill my body with poison. Let’s skip the grisly details and acknowledge that I cleverly started 2013 by vomiting most of the contents of my soul to the presumed horror of my Aussie friends (who stoically never complained).

I spent New Year’s Day contemplating jumping through the hotel window, but knew the effort was too grand. The company was good, but the walking was…just too much. The following day I drove seven hours home, so my bodily destruction was off set by a day of driving — something that is heavily debilitating to training efficacy. As I sit here on the third after a good night’s sleep, I still am not right.

Not as glamorous as it looks.

The obvious solution is to not binge drink, but if we do, what can a lifter, athlete, or trainee do to mitigate the baneful effects?

  • Prepare for the event by hydrating and taking vitamins, particularly the water soluble kind like the B vitamins and Vit-C. The over the counter “hangover cure” products tell you take a pill before you drink, during, as you go to bed, and when you wake up with “a glass of water”. The pill just has water soluble vitamins and the water helps combat the eventual dehydration that the alcohol will cause.
  • Try to drink water while drinking. If you’re truly binge drinking, this will be an after thought so let’s move on to the day after…
  • Hydrate. This should be obvious, but hydrate anyway you can. It’ll be best if you can get a gatorade or powerade since water won’t be appealing. Juice is fine. Get 16 oz of fluid in you as fast as possible (unless you feel like you’ll puke it up). Do this even if you’re still drunk.
  • Eat something. Even if you’re not hungry. If you avoid eating, you avoid calories, and you’ll start fading and soon turn into a wraith like them. Since we don’t have elvish medicine, eat. Don’t worry about paleo and carb content — you just went full auto on your liver and system.
  • Take more vitamins, especially the water soluble kind. If you take too much of water soluble vitamins, you’ll just urinate them out. So every 2 or 3 hours, take some more. You won’t be in danger of taking too many and you’ll keep them in your body for use.
  • Drink coffee. The caffeine may help by increasing metabolism, you’ll probably feel better and more alert, and coffee is a tasty treat that is nothing like alcohol.
  • Continue hydrating, eating, and taking vitamins throughout the day.
  • Don’t train the day after. If you didn’t get too drunk and aren’t as wrecked, then you can probably train. If it was bad, then avoid it. Just rest.
  • Speaking of rest: sleep as much as you can. When the body is strung out, malnourished, dehydrated, under-fed, and lacking sleep — regardless if it was from drinking or not — then getting as much sleep as possible is incredibly important.
  • When you are ready to train (maybe the day after the hangover), make it a light session. You’ll probably find out that you are physically diminished and can’t perform as normal anyway, but follow the “light-medium-heavy” advice from the “Don’t Train Sick” post. However, if you can expedite the process and train “medium” on the first day, it won’t be a detriment to your system like if you were ill from a pathogen. Training with an illness can provide too much of a systemic stress that weakens your defenses and allows the pathogen to start winning. Doing too much when you’re hungover won’t necessary result in feeling worse through the recovery period, but you could depress your system and open yourself up to get ill if you do. Being hungover is like trying to protect Helms Deep without the walls — the advancing orcs and Uruk-Hai (bacteria) will just trample right into your fortress (body) without as much resistance. And if you’re in a dodgy place like Vegas, you’ll definitely be exposed to orc-like filth. This is why if you string several drinking days together, you’ll probably start getting sick.

As a general rule, a person can eliminate .5 oz (15ml) of alcohol in one hour. That’s about one 12 oz (355ml) can of beer in an hour. More from the How Stuff Works article:

Once absorbed by the bloodstream, the alcohol leaves the body in three ways:

  • The kidney eliminates 5 percent of alcohol in the urine.
  • The lungs exhale 5 percent of alcohol, which can be detected by breathalyzer devices.
  • The liver chemically breaks down the remaining alcohol into acetic acid. (source)
As you can see, it can take quite a while for you to fully remove a lot of alcohol from your body. Therefore we want to do everything possible to efficiently recover: sleep well, eat well, hydrate well, consume vitamins well, and so on. In other words, shift back into the habits that you should be performing flawlessly to perform well in training.
If you don’t eat Paleo, I’d suggest hitting a week of it after a very bad binge drinking. Personally I feel like I need to cleanse my body, and that’s done with copious amounts of quality protein, vegetables, fats, and nutrients. Your body is a temple, so don’t let the man-killing Uruk-Hai barge in to butt-rape your soul.