Take Back the Tank Tops

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Take Back the Tank Tops – Part 3 of The Revolution for Masculinity

It’s July, you’re an adult, and therefore don’t need me to tell you, “Sun’s out, guns out”. It’s warm in the northern hemisphere, folks, and that means you should dress accordingly.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger-predatorIn The Revolutionary Guide to Manly Short Shorts I explained how the weak and pussified mainstream societal body image is trying to change the evolutionary notion that men are supposed to be, well, men. That article gave you a weapon against the masses: muscularity, burliness, and short god damn shorts.

The Revolution – Part 2 taught you how you can continue this mission in the winter months by not only wearing flannel, but taking back the flannel style from hipsters who would only wish to see us fail. The hipster is a pukish spawn of the urban middle class who hypocritically aims to “buck the system” by falling in line and dressing like everyone else in his chosen social class. Furthermore, the hipster tries to steal styles and claim them as their own; last I checked flannel and tough sports watches were associated with gritty men and calloused hands, not mid-town socialites searching for a life purpose.

Hipsters, like cockroaches, survive in warm weather and continue their thievery in the summer by wearing tank tops. THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND.

If we’re going to help change America’s perception on what is manly or even attractive, then we need to actively put it out there. Why cover up the musculature and chest hair established through squatting, pressing, and deadlifting? Why wear more clothes and sweat more in hot weather? This is straightforward logic, folks. Here is your guide to wearing tank tops in support of The Revolution of Masculinity.

1. Looking the part.

Hopefully you didn’t wake up today and realize it was summer; some pre-season preparation will help your tank-top-wearing-ability. My lawyer friend was at Wendy’s with his boss and ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and a baked potato. His boss said, “Oh no fries? Trying to slim down, huh?” To which my friend said, “It’s beach season, bro.” They laughed; friend wasn’t kidding.

It’s possible to be strong, perform well, and look jacked. Anyone who campaigns against aesthetic goals is probably portly and unhealthy anyway. But looking the part does take effort. If you’re not really in tank top shape, then you’re either fat or not big enough. If you’re fat, then improve your food quality and macronutrients (there’s a book somewhere that can help with that). If you’re not big enough, then continue squatting, pressing, benching, and deadlifting every week, but be sure to do weighted pull-ups and chin-ups, barbell rows, and thousands of hammer curls.

Years ago I was walking on a track shirtless when a brigand drove by — driving a Honda Civic with a giant spoiler to prevent his powerful machine from achieving flight — and yelled, “GET A TAN, BUDDY!”. I remembered this experience because a) the absurdity of the act of ordering someone to do something they were already doing and b) he was wearing a wife beater with a fake tan. Other than wanting to tell you an amusing story, it’s best to let the sun bathe your skin during the warm months. You’ll get some Vitamin D and can look like you belong in a tank top or have something going on.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we're up against.

The fake-man and style are all wrong; this is what we’re up against.

2. Choosing a tank top.  

Tank tops have never really gone out of style, but the modern tank tops have gotten progressively irritating; wife beaters covered with gold chains or stains and exceptionally tight styles worn by foo-foo models. Don’t bother with this facade.

Avoid tank tops with spirally text or tribal designs. Realistically you should avoid any writing or image on the tank top at all unless it’s a gym logo or something awesome like a grizzly bear riding a shark while shooting a Tommy gun. New age tank tops typically have a lot of horizontal lines, which I don’t understand, but your physique should be able to overcome this distraction.

Keep in mind that sleeveless shirts are not a substitute for a tank top. Cutting the sleeves off of a shirt is very high schoolish and buying pre-made sleeveless shirts is even worse. We’re trying to run a god damn revolution, man! Not a camp for wannabe bodybuilders.

3. Playing the part. 

Modern-day tank tops are stuffed with tiny fake-men, but worse is that these pseudo-men also act like weasels. They wander through life with a notion that the world owes them something. That their inferiority should be met with compensation — like a trophy for participating or a high-five for trying. These “men” don’t understand the concept that hard things must be done to get better — like stepping under a god damn barbell and squatting all the way down.

Understand that the Masculinity Revolution is not a show of posh muscularity, but a statement that says, “I not only recognize my weakness, but accept it and work to turn it into a strength.” By moving cold iron with calloused and chalked hands, you live a unique motto that creates a hurricane of personal responsibility and grit. When the winds die down after each training session, and the eye of the storm passes once again, you comprehend the very important lesson that things worth having require tedious and grotesquely hard work. Each repetition, set, and training session are proof that you dared to be different, that you took responsibility in life to build yourself to be something the world lacks — a god damn man.

Remember, we aren’t wearing tank tops to flaunt and elbow through a crowd of hipsters like a bunch of Tommy Tough Guys. While you may want to do that, your goal is to politely and respectfully out-alpha the little weirdos by using long-lost customs like firm hand shakes, eye contact, and chivalrous manners. You want someone to walk away and think, “My god, that was a man.”

A non-sober tank top pic from last year's Tucson seminar.

A non-sober tank top pic from last year’s Tucson seminar.

Fight the Good Fight

Each morning you have a choice. You can wander through life as a weak representative of the male gender, or you can throw on a tank top and short shorts and unapologetically define what true machoism is. Train your dick off, accomplish lots, and ultimately dare to be different; dare to be a man.

36 thoughts on “Take Back the Tank Tops”

    • *shrug* Men are supposed to have hair. If it bothers you, it’s your body: do as you will. But IMHO, when I see a guy with body hair, I figure he’s someone who isn’t buying into today’s weird standards, and thus is more likely to both be someone I’d get along with, and not going to give me grief about being a hippie. :) Also: body hair is snuggly, and snuggly is good!

  4. http://www.cafepress.ca/mf/66959257/tpex_tank-top

    Ordered this. Me like. Also ordered these short shorts from Footy Boys:

    http://www.footyboys.com/getprod.php?WL=2&top=STORE&pid=107&l1=RUGBY%20UNION&l2=&l3=&parent_id=1&parent_id2=78&parent_id3=&id=74

    I have also acquired, over the years, various beach volleyball tank tops, thanks to officiating the sport. I got one from a ref from Brazil at Junior Worlds, which was from the Brazilian National Tour. It was awesome. Plus, different ones at various National tournaments in Canada, eh? They are a gem.

  6. For those thinking that this post has nothing to do with the ladies at all, I beg to differ.

    You may be singing this song TO the guys, but it’s FOR the ladies.

    (and for your own self-preservation)

  14. I’ve been steadily collecting a variety of “USA” tank tops for the past few years. I get tired of seeing so many Americans wearing shirts with the flags and names of foreign countries. It seems like there’s no one playing for the home team! Go to any east coast beach and in the gift shops you see t-shirts and tanks with “Italian Pride” and “Irish FTW!” etc. I’ve got nothing against heritage or any of that, but considering I’m an American, I go ahead and rep the home team!

    My favorite tank top so far is I <3 America! The <3 shape is an American flag. I got it at the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD two years ago. It was crammed in the back behind way too many foreign flagged shirts. Another great one just says "USA ORIGINAL" and has an American flag. (Fuck yeah!)

    Otherwise, I've got two 80s/90s era cammo tanks that I wear when scouting hunting locations in the spring and summer season. Surely the deer are confused when they see arms and a head creeping around with no body.

  15. Incidentally Cotton On (australian company) has some mad cheap short shorts and tanks. probably flannel too. I crushed 2 pairs of short shorts and a tank for $15 recently

    • readers of this blog should definitely up the usual size you order though for the shorts (not exaclty engineered for folks who squat their dicks off every week). tank fits true to size

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  19. I’m with the other ladies in this thread… love it. I have a request, or maybe, a challenge for you 70’s Big Manly Men. I love the, pull-up-your-shorty-shorts and squat-your-balls-off and eat-a-fucking-huge-steak posts that you provide to get everyone fired up. They get me fired up! But I can’t anatomically squat-my-balls-off. I’m going to throw it out there to challenge the writing talent to give the clam-bearers a little ditty that makes us want to pull on our best sports bra and snatch our asses off (yeah, that could turn into a pun but I’m not gonna take it there). I’m confident in your abilities… let’s see what ya got!

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