The Revolution – Part 2

Exhibit A. The way it used to be.

There was a time.

A time when manliness was an aspiration. Desired. The epitome of adulthood. A woman wanted a warm, burly embrace complete with a chest hair snuggle. Nowadays the average lass cuddles with a spidery, non-lensed glasses-wearing waif who bruises from a charlie horsed leg.

HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY?

This aggression will not stand. We must rise to action. The Revolution has gained momentum; the resistance swells every day.

Your mission, brother, if you choose to accept it, is to take flannel back from the hipsters.

These vile creatures are a cancer to our withering society. They claim to be original and avoid the mainstream, yet one of their chief styles of clothing is something worn by manly men for decades. How the hell do they justify that? The result is our nation’s youth growing up to see a bunch of annoying pukes wearing “flannel”. The first decade of a child’s life is very important; their first impressions create the foundations of their mind, ethos, and philosophy. If we allow skinny hipster goobers to falsely represent a sense of manliness, then subsequent generations will aspire to be thin, incapable, and irrelevant. We cannot let this happen.

The weather grows chilly in the northern hemisphere and it is our duty as big, strong men to reset the standard. It is our density. Here are the steps to completing yet another mission in The Revolution.

1. Know thy enemy. 

Exhibit B

Ladies. Gentlemen. This is what we’re up against (Exhibit B). In your journeys you will come across a shriveled excuse for a male: the hipster. He will don the flannel, as his wont. Your goal is not to engage him in mortal combat, yet to alpha the shit out of him in a respectable manner. Enter the room with confidence and a smile; it will immediately over power his internal shoulder rotation, thoracic flexion, cervical flexion, and atlas extension. And you better believe his pelvis is posteriorily tilted.

If the enemy follows you into the room, make sure to hold the door open. After all, it’s something you should automatically do for all females, especially when you mistaken the dainty hipster for one.

If you must engage the enemy in conversation, introduce yourself with a firm, but not aggressive handshake. His limp-fished hand will tell the real story. It’ll help if your hands are weathered. You probably have accomplished this by lifting weights, but it helps if you chop wood, drink whiskey, or spend time outdoors. The hipster, for example, is not strong enough to even swing an axe.

Smile. Converse. Be polite. Be yourself. For if you act like yourself, you have already won because the hipster is trying to be something he is not. This creature wants. to. fit. in. He will do and wear anything to be a part of a group that is the pukish spawn of urban middle class poons. Christian Lorentzen of Time Out New York claims that metrosexuality is the hipster appropriation of gay culture, as a trait carried over from their “Emo” phase. He writes that “these aesthetics are assimilated—cannibalized—into a repertoire of meaninglessness, from which the hipster can construct an identity in the manner of a collage, or a shuffled playlist on an iPod” (source). They essentially think they are cooler than America — and NOBODY is cooler than America (see Exhibit C for proof).

Exhibit C. Nothing is cooler than America.

Do not try and beat the hipster at his own game (which is hypocrisy . Merely present yourself as the amiable manly man you are. It will help if you have chest hair, own at least three knives, or have recently started a fire without matches (and preferably not accidentally in a house). You don’t have to comprehend the enemy, but knowing that he aims to not conform by conforming to an irrelevant cultural style will let you conquer him with standard, old-school manliness.

2. Choosing your flannel. 

It’s very important that your flannel is not marketed toward the enemy. Don’t shop in teen or urban sections. In fact, reconsider your clothing store if it has these sections. Outdoor stores are a good start, but I’ve had success at Kohl’s and Goodwill in the past.

Note that cheaper flannel shirts are made of cotton. If you plan on doing any outdoorsy adventuring, aim to get wool or synthetic types of flannel. Cotton is death in the woods because it absorbs water and doesn’t dry quickly. It’s not manly to die in the woods alone.

Aim for the classic flannel look. Hipsters, emo kids, and skateboarders are trying to popularize obnoxious patterns and colors. Before you make your purchase, ask yourself, “Can I wear this outside in a snowy forest and not look like a fuck-head?” If the answer is no, do not make the purchase and consider burning the building down.

3. Wearing your flannel. 

Look, I don’t know anything about fashion. But I do know that you shouldn’t ever — EVER — button the top button on your flannel. Especially without buttoning the other buttons, cause then you’ll just look like Konnan from WCW. I’d also question buttoning that second button because it’s a very hipster thing to do. Why do they all do it if they all do it? I thought they were trying to avoid conformity? I guess wearing black-rim glasses, even en mass, really sticks it to the man, huh? Let your neck breathe.

A shirt is optional, but if you forego the under shirt make sure that you have chest hair. Unless they look like pubes. If they look like pubes then chicks aren’t gonna want to snuggle it. Actually, let’s just make a rule that you have to bench 300+ in order to wear flannel without an undershirt. It’ll set a good example for the kids and ensure there’s enough pec for lady cuddling (you don’t have to like cuddling for a woman to nuzzle your chest, just pretend that you do).

Exhibit D. Aim to be mistaken for the Brawny Man.

The best way to wear flannel is to role the sleeves up to right below the elbow. This allows you to tease nearby females with your forearm power, but it further establishes the stark difference between you and a hipster. Most hipsters will have bony protrusions coming out of their flannel arm holes. If you are concerned by a lack of forearm development, then promptly throw in several thousand reps of hammer curls a day. By having rippling steak forearms, you’ll fit the archetype of “man” or “lumberjack” — you know, the things that flannel-wearing emits. This is what we want and need; your flannel presence should be memorable. Not “memorable” in the sense that you drink so much whiskey that you flip tables after standing on them while air guitaring, but if someone refers to you as “The Brawny Man”, you did your job. You want people to go home and say, “God DAMN did that guy look manly in that flannel.” They should either a) want to look like that or b) want to find and romance a dude that looks like that. The latter applies to females, but if it’s two consenting dudes then I guess that’s cool too.

Fight the Good Fight

Remember, every time you clothe yourself in the morning you make a statement. Do you want that statement to say, “I will conform to how skinny, no-lifting puke-faces are shaping modern society”? Or will you say, “God damn it, I’m a man”? We shall take back America.

Join The Resistance — WEAR FLANNEL!

 

Leave a Reply

  1. You nailed it on this one. The inclusion of not having feminine colors like teal and peach in your flannel, as well as how to wear it, are key. If anyone is just getting into flannel, buffalo check in red and black is a great place to start.

  2. This. This is gospel, men.

    I’ve been wearing flannel legitimately (for manly purposes) for over a decade, and will never stop.
    Carhartt makes good stuff, and you can get it more cheaply online, such as on Amazon. Farm supply stores are also great places to shop. Orscheln in the Midwest, Rural King, Tractor Supply might sell clothes but I haven’t been in one in several years.

    When possible, buy bullets when you purchase your flannel from these types of stores.

    • +1 harveymushman. Rural King is the manliest place you can go.

      Stick to tough brands like Carhartt for sure, you’ll have the look and any other manly man who looks at you will respect the brand automatically (as long as your’re not a hipster trying to pull off Carhartt).

        • I haven’t tried any of their pants. They do make some twill shorts that I wear to work that are the roomiest in the thigh that I’ve found. They’re not short shorts though – I need protection from fryer oil and grease splashes.

          • For cheap work pants I buy Wrangler “workwear” ripstop cargo pants from Wal-Mart. They’ve held up better than any other cargo pants I’ve owned (of a similar weight – can’t have something too heavy in a kitchen) and are roomy enough for me. YMMV, however.

    • I’m worried Carhart is under attack too. I was in a Carhart retail store just last week and mentioned to the associate that the large shirt I was trying fit well in the shoulders and chest, but gave me too much material around the torso. ( I was considering a med to cut down on tuckage). The associate who is on the slighter side said he agreed and expressed a wish that Carhart would make an EXTRA SMALL to fit him better! I shook my head and bought the large.

  3. This is a worldwide problem and I want you to rest assured we are doing our part here in the UK, I will be wearing my flannel shirt tomorrow, sleeves turned up at a width of 3 finger to just below the elbow!!

    Keep fighting the good fight!!

  4. YES SIR! It should be noted that flannel doesn’t always have to be plaid. I just got an excellent Field and Stream brand flannel from Costco. It’s just olive green colored. I think I paid $16. I also got one of their flannel/hoodie combos last year for like $20 and just saw that they have them back out again. Word from the wise: do not put flannel in the dryer. It will shrink and the following year you will buy the same shirt over again.

    Separately, this is still my favorite anti-hipster video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVmmYMwFj1I

    Also, I really like the older Brawny Men: http://www.richardemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/brawny-paper-towel-guy.jpg

  5. Fuck Yes.

    Already have a closet full of pendelton flannels – so I guess you can say I have been stockpiling in ANTICIPATION FOR WAR.

    On point #3: the top button should not be closeable due to a massive neck.

  6. Great transition to fall and winter. Let’s not forget boots as well. Boots are key! Boots show you’re ready to do work. The next person I see wearing flip flops with pants is going to have a stern talking to about their station in life.

    • It’s Red Wings or nothing. I worked for a Railroad Construction contractor for about a year and a half. I destroyed a pair of Chippewas in about 4 weeks. The Red Wings I replaced them with lasted 3 years– worn daily. I’m on my second pair of Red Wings with Gore-Tex and I strongly recommend them. Six years old now (haven’t been wearing them quite as often) and still kicking. Awesome boots.

      If you buy Red Wings boots make sure they’re the ones that are made in the USA and not in China. The China ones are junk-o-la.

      • If you aren’t working and doing adventuring, I wouldn’t wear these boots. I recently got a pair of Vasques and love them (they are Goretexed lined, but not the winter boot and have been fine in the snow). Other good stuff includes: Asolo, Merrell, and Saloman.

        • Danner makes great hunting boots as well. Hunting boots can double as hiking boots. I haven’t tried them, but the Danner Pronghorn is supposed to be one of the best in the business.

        • For working and looking badass Red Wing loggers are the bomb…. For hiking and non Chainsaw involving outdoor activities, I wear insulated Danner Go-devils in the winter and my beat-up comfortable as slippers Belleville (I think they’re 390s???) boots which saw me safely through the sandbox.

          Combat boots make flannel look awesome– despite any 90′s small grunge associations might be tangentially associated with wearing this combination.

  7. When I search for Flannel Shirts on Amazon it asks what style: Contemporary, Classic, Streetwear or Surf & Skate. Which should I pick?! How do you Surf in a Flannel Shirt? How embarrassing!

    • Not to mention the suspenders and boots, very well done.

      Hate to get too critical but I gotta dock you a couple points for the light beer. Substitute in a nice Islay scotch and you’re looking at perfect score right there.

        • That hole carefully and precisely carved by axe no doubt.

          I noticed the two beers and almost commented on it, but the more I thought about it the more I began to struggle with an internal philosophical debate on manliness to which I did not arrive at an answer. I apologize for the long rant but I am looking for feedback and ideas from people here.

          Basically, the internal debate I had boiled down to this question: Do excess quantities of unmanly things make said thing more or less manly?

          The obvious example that lead to this is light beer, I can see the rationale to come to the conclusion that two is better than one (especially two in one hand at the same time). While I struggle to accept it (but perhaps I’m blinded by a personal vendetta against light beer – it’s just like water but with less flavour), I can understand it.

          On the other side of the coin, it is pretty easy to see that having many teal or peach flannel shirt is exponentially less manly than having one – ‘I don’t know where that came from, my buddy must have hid that in my closet as a joke’.

          What about unmanly food items. Say you show up to a party really late and all that is left for food is veggie burgers and you need your calories. Does stacking up 6 or 7 burgers and polishing that off make the whole situation a little more manly or just sad? (obviously the correct answer here is you shouldn’t even be going to a party that serves veggies burgers but I’m talking rhetorical/philosophical questions here).

          Help me out guys, I’m losing sleep over this.

          • I think it comes down to the Manliness Coefficient (which should absolutely be a real thing if I didn’t just make it up). Meaning you factor together the manliness/un-manliness of your situation to determine the overall manliness. So for example, in the picture:

            Flannel +1
            Short shorts +1
            No beard -1
            Boots +1
            Light beer -1

            So overall he’s sitting at +1 manliness. You have to look at the overall picture, rather than just one detail.

            Or something… I don’t know. It’s lunch time.

      • Because he’s an “Army guy” for Halloween… That really grinds my gears.

        Also, now that I’m back at school I’m getting pretty pissed when I see OCIE gear (assault packs from the Large MOLLE set) being used to cart around Bio 101, and Sociology 156 textbooks…… Makes me want to do some “spot corrections”. But luckily I’m able to control myself.

  8. Just talked to a guy in Costco who had a collection of Pendleton shirts that he just got rid of after 50 years. He said they were all like new. He just got tired of them. Spent $9 each 50 years ago.

  9. Just the other day I was mentioning to my wife that I wanted more flannel shirts. It’s good to know I have a finger on the pulse of The Revolution.

    Problem- all the squatting and meat consumption has turned my body into a hot-burning furnace of work and recovery. I’m afraid the flannel is going to have to wait for much colder temperatures.

    • Hear hear! My biggest problem with the coming winter is that everyone jacks the heat up all winter so I’m uncomfortably hot. Its’ so hot in my house I swear my wife has something against me (but that’s another issue altogether).

      I think this winter I will have to build an igloo in my yard so I can have a place to sleep that is an appropriate temperature for a manly man.

  10. Flannel is the Way of the Gods. I recently came into some money, well thats what i say when i get my salary each month, and headed to the Lee Store. I was assisted by a Dutch Hipster with an American Accent, however, he had a beard down to his chest so i was willing to forgive….

    He presented me with a prize shirt. A shirt of of what cowboys wear. XXL. Not to wear like a smock but to wear like a proud squatter with bitches and whiskey on the mind.

    I rock the Carharrtt, i rock the Lee, i rock the Levis.

    Justin, this post is closer to my heart than the Short Shorts one. However, one gripe is that you couldve mentioned an accessory to match the shirt. The Chore Jacket. A classic among men. Can sleep outside in it and its stab proof.

    Salute.

  11. Love this and the shorts idea. Just brilliant and overdue to be taken back from these commie bastards.

    I have a story from the gym only you guys will appreciate of….my wife calls me silly and my doctor calls me sick.

    A friend and his wife work out at the la fitLESS I work out at. He is an absolute monster. 50 year old former body builder who works out with my max bench press, 3x12x405 once a week. I can do it once, he does it 36 times….

    His wife gives everyone at the gym nicknames. There is “ESPN guy” because he works for fox sports southwest filming college football. There’s the “grunter” because he curls 30LB DBs and sounds like he’s birthing a large baby. Yesterday she let me know my nickname and I couldn’t be more proud, the “beast”. I told her no, she was married to the “beast” and she replied he’s not reckless enough to do farmers carries as heavy as I do so I had earned it and he would stay “Mr Awesome”.

  12. What is the 70′s Big platform position on loud colored flannel, i.e. blaze orange/bright yellow?

    Also, I dress my two year old in his red flannel shirt every chance I get. Little man looks like a tiny lumberjack who is not to be trifled with.

  13. 70sBig should check out Cody Lundin, the outdoor survival expert from the show “Dual Survival.” I’ve read two of his books. The man is a real badass. For one thing he’s been wearing short shorts exclusively since the mid-1980s. By that I mean he never wears pants. Ever. No matter the weather. He also has not worn shoes since the mid-1980s. I read an interview with him where he said he does heavy weight training regularly including squats. I’m not surprised considering his physique. I’m a big fan. The original modern “paleo” lifestyle.

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  16. My favorite place to buy flannels is the all American stores of Salvation Army or Goodwill. Nothing is more vintage or manly than a flannel straight out of the 70′s.

  17. Just a minute.
    I have been doing a bit of thinking.
    men used to wear flannel because it is comfortable, cheap and hard wearing.
    people stopped wearing flannel for the most part – urbanisation, modernisation, fashion, don’t want to look like your dad. etc
    Hipsters revived Flannel as a way of subverting masculine stereotypes. “Im wearing manly flannel and combat boots and have a beard. which is ironic cause i play keyboard/am a barista/write emotive poetry/ am not a lumberjack.

    Now, after trendy kids are wearing flannel, you want to get in on the trend.
    but not because its cool, you want to do it differently – more authentically…
    almost as a way to out irony the hipsters. they wear it cause they are not manly and dont care. so if you dress like hipster lumberjacks it will be extra ironic because you think you actually are manly?

    I dont really know where im headed with this.
    food for thought?

  18. So a pinky left wing newspaper in Sydney has just had an article on “Ten things she hates about you” – essentially fashion fails on men….

    Check out #7.
    There may be hope for the human species.
    http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/fashion/blogs/style-files/ten-things-she-hates-about-you-20121101-28n5v.html

    “7. Flannelette Shirts: The majority of women aren’t feeling men in a classic woodsman check. Personally, I disagree – in the right setting, on the right guy this look can be totally Marlboro Man”

  19. Agree!!!! My man will never have to shave any body hair off. He shall wear flannel and grow a manly beard. It is like snuggling with a 300 lb bear that smells like soap. Bliss.

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