The Revolutionary Guide to Manly Short Shorts

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Yes it’s true, I wear short shorts un-apologetically. And you should too.

Exhibit A

What I’m talking about is drawing a line in the sand. Unchecked aggression. We have a dedicated enemy, a worthy fucking adversary. Men. Women. This is what we’re up against (Exhibit A).

The metrosexual. The skinny guy. The college kid. The hipster. The hippy. They come in many forms, yet they are all the same. And they’re trying to steal America away from us! It’s time to make a stand, and we do that by proudly revealing two meaty, bouldering thighs that emit a testosterone-filled musk that inspire women to savagely claw at your hairy chest, urging you to take them to the promised land.

This is your density.

If we are to make a stand, to show this country that masculinity is not only en vogue, but necessary to teach young children that waify, frail, useless humans are not the future, that children can work hard and have something to show for it, then we must — repeat MUST — reduce the length of our shorts. It is the only way; it is known. (By the way, I don’t know what “en vogue” means, but I think you can take penicillin for it.)

I will teach you the way of the short shorts. I will begin as a leader, but evolve into a member of the resistance, the last chance we have at rescuing the children — THE CHILDREN! Let me show you the way.

What Short Shorts Are Not

As indicated above, evoking masculinity through your short choice does not start with khaki. Sure, khaki must inevitably be worn if you are dragged to a quasi-nice house party in the middle of the summer, but my friend Jeremy and his wife can attest to the fact that I showed up to a quiet house party and not only was I the only one not in a collared shirt, I was the only one wearing short shorts and a tank-top. At first I thought, “This is mildly inappropriate, especially since I don’t know these people.” Then I embraced it, because this is our last hurrah in the “I’m A Little Pansy-Man Frontier”.

Exhibit B

And in case you were curious, masculinity is not emitted in the form of rolled up jean shorts, capris, or shorts that have fake paint splattered on them (Exhibit B). GOD DAMN IT, A REAL MAN SPLATTERS HIS OWN PAINT ON A CUTOFF PAIR OF LEVIS THAT HE HAD TO CUT BECAUSE HIS THIGHS GREW TOO FUCKING BIG FROM SQUATTING HIS DICK OFF EVERY WEEK. This, by the way, is the only acceptable reason to own or wear jean shorts. And if you do wear them, for fuck’s sake…put on some underwear.

Make no mistake, short shorts are not a show of style; they are a show of attitude. Keep this in mind when selecting your shorts. I don’t even understand “style” anyway.

The only exception to wearing capri pants is if your name is Arnold Shwarzenegger in the ’70s and you cut the bottoms of your pants off to remind yourself how skinny your calves are. The only other acceptable reason is if you are a prisoner of war and the enemy is making you wear them to psychologically weaken you. But then you could just rip the bottoms off to make short shorts, and then use the torn pieces to wear a sweet headband.

What Short Shorts Are

Short shorts are a necessary social statement that say, “I’m a man, damn it.” Either that or “Eat shit, skinny guy.” There are several requirements to pulling off the short shorts.

1. Be muscular. 

This should be a no-brainer, but once we start this bandwagon, everyone is gonna want to join. You can’t make a statement about masculinity when you don’t embody the evolutionary male archetype. That’d be like Martin Luther King, Jr. staging a civil rights sit-in protest as a nerdy white guy. If the line of your thigh from your knees to your hips is straight, then you do not qualify.

Additionally, “muscular” means there is shape to your quads instead of just a fatty log. Clean up your diet and clap dem cheeks let your quads boulder out over each other. The more those striations pop, the more effective your message, especially when you just got done squatting over 4 or 500 pounds.

2. Don’t be creepy. 

The last thing we want when trying to induce a lustful rage in women and inspire children is to give them the “I’m a creepy uncle” or “no-no” feeling. If you’re pretty fat and hairy, you’re gonna creep them out. Sorry dude, that’s just how it is. Get less fat by cleaning up your diet, and reduce the scare of your hairy-ass thighs by getting them in the sun. A tan/hairy specimen is much better than a pale/hairy one.

This last part is the most important part: trim your pubes. I don’t know where it became cool to not trim certain body hair, but if you don’t trim your groin area, and you inevitably put your foot up on the couch when talking to your nieces, you don’t want your ball hair to protrude out and tickle their noses. Please, think of the children. If you aren’t willing to trim, well, maybe short shorts are not for you.

3. Don’t wear a t-shirt.

Unless you’re doing squad PT, take that ridiculous shirt off. The sun is out, it’s over 70 degrrees (F), and you should enjoy some quality Vitamin D. Go shirtless or bump a sweet tank top. The best tank top I’ve ever seen is this “bear wearing sunglasses” one that my friend Norman has. Note that rocking a tank-top or going shirtless requires the machoism to shine from your upper body too, so hurry up and press over 200, bench over 300, and then do at least 1,000 barbell rows every week.

4. Don’t neglect the hams

One of the worst things you can do for our cause — other than make a child sneeze with your pube hair — is to not develop your hamstrings. We aren’t mirror lifters. So RDL your fucking face off. With, like, a bajillion reps a week.

5. Have the right shorts. 

Exhibit C

And finally to the equipment section. Some of you may remember the sweet shorts that Arnold Schwarzenegger wore in Pumping Iron (Exhibit C). These were undoubtedly my inspiration.

I don’t know how Arnold came across some used high school football shorts, but he inadvertently set the tone for our social movement. Though I will point out that wearing Keds with long socks is a bit out of style. That’ll put you in the “creepy” category, especially if you’re hairy and fat.

When shopping for a pair of shorts, ensure that a) there is a liner inside of them and b) the tip of your dugan is not easily visible when viewing the front of your shorts. The liner will help hold your junk in place, and the “not showing your mushroom tip” will prevent us from being banned from cable television. Oh, and Marine Corps “silkies” made by Soffee will inevitably outline your wang, so steer away from those. And if your dong isn’t outlined, you probably should stop wearing them now that everyone knows it’s supposed to be outlined and they’ll just think you have a wee little pee-pee.

Exhibit D

People usually ask where I get my shorts (Exhibit D), and I usually get them on military bases/posts for about $10 a pair. Soffees are pretty cheap on their website, but then you run into that “everyone is drinking in the view of my bone” thing. Feel free to post other brands to the comments, but I highly recommend having a liner in your shorts. The last thing anyone needs is an “accidental ballsack discharge” or “peek-a-boo-wiener”.

Fight the Good Fight

Remember, every time you clothe yourself in the morning you make a statement. Do you want that statement to say, “I will conform to how skinny, no-lifting puke-faces are shaping modern society”? Or will you say, “God damn it, I’m a man”? I know some of you have real jobs and can’t show up to work wearing short shorts, but the aforementioned Jeremy routinely shows up to the office wearing multi-colored cowboy boots and a beard. He paves his own way.

We shall take back America!

Join the resistance — WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

Foam Rolling

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Several years ago foam rolling was the “in” thing and everyone used and praised it. Self “mobility” work has since evolved away from foam rolling — even to the point of poopooing it — but it can still serve a purpose.

This is from the new “Foam Rolling Porno” DVD set.

Most Tommy Tough Guys will say, “Ptsh, foam rolling is too light, I just use a a PEEH-VEH-CEE.” An actual foam roller won’t correct any real soft tissue problem, but that’s not its effective purpose. Foam rolling is best used prior to activity or training to loosen up the soft tissue (which can include fascia, muscles, or tendons) to be more pliable and allow a comprehensive range of motion (ROM). Think of it as a part of warming up instead of soft tissue treatment.

Trainees lament that a large portion of their day is spent sitting down. And if they’re standing up or doing manual labor, they’re still probably not going through a full ROM and spend time in problematic positions (bending over, crouched down, on knees, etc.). Either way, loosening up the body with a foam roller will prep those structures for activity, whether  applying force maximally or ballistically. This light soft tissue work will augment any movement prep like dynamic stretching or any “mob” that includes positional stretching. Heavy, invasive massages prior to training can have a deleterious effect on performance, yet light massages can make the structures more pliable, increase blood flow to the area, and even reduce Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS) quicker.

At worst you’re increasing your warm-up by five to ten minutes. At best you’re enhancing that warm-up, improving recovery, and prepping your structures to train better.

One reason that a PVC may not be as useful in the context of a warm-up is because it’s more invasive and painful. Tommy Tough Guy Mentality says, “I can take it. BRING ON THE PAIN.” Just because you can deal with pain doesn’t mean you’re a) cool or b) doing anything useful. In actuality it’s not easy to undergo pain and completely relax a muscle. The point is to get some light massage through the muscle belly tissue, not to tense up and contract the muscle because it’s experiencing pain and try to massage a taught muscle. By using foam, you can reach deep into the tissue without tensing up or disrupting the cellular environment too much.

When I googled “sexy foam rolling” to see what would come up, I found this picture of my jacked friend, Mark. Care to explain, Mark?

This isn’t to say that PVC is worthless, but it’s most likely inferior for warm-up purposes for most people. Note that over time your tissues will adapt to the foam roller and you’ll need a harder surface to receive the same effect. That means if you’ve been foam rolling daily for a couple of years, then no, this won’t apply to you. Foam rollers can cost 15 to $20 and PVC can cost a few dollars. I think they both serve a purpose, especially when you don’t have a servant to give you a rub down prior to training (yeah c’mon). In case you’ve haven’t gotten on the internet since 2005, here’s a video of a foam rolling protocol, specifically what I do before training. I aim to loosen tension on my back, hips, and knees. I could probably accomplish the same with a PVC, but I know it’d cause some “tensing up” in my thighs or around my knees. The PVC also crunches on the spinous processes of my vertebral segments when rolling certain positions on my back. If all you need is a light massage, and you have access to a foam roller, then it’s a better tool. If you’re interested in exploring different options, consider the benefits of therapeutic massage as well.

Lance Armstrong, PEDs, and Naivety

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On Friday, 24 August 2012, the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency erased Lance Armstrong’s 14 year career — including his 7 Tour de France titles — and banned him for life from the sport of cycling. They did this without a shred of physical evidence because Lance allegedly did something that every Tour de France cyclist — every elite athlete — does. That something is use performance enhancement drugs (PEDs).

Lance Armstrong is an American hero. In his early career he was an up-and-coming cyclist who showed flashes by winning the UCI Road World Championship in the pouring rain in Norway in 1993. He also had won the first stage of the Tour de France but had not yet won “The Tour”, the pinnacle of cycling racing.

Then he was diagnosed with testicular cancer at the age of 25 (October 1996). The cancer had metastasized into his lungs, abdomen, and brain. After emergency surgery to remove his tumor-ridden testicle, he was told he had less than a 40% likelihood of surviving. His final chemotherapy treatment was in December of 1996.

Did Armstrong feel sorry for himself, only to wallow in self-pity? No, he made a decision to get back on the bike and train. He would later win his first Tour de France in 1999, less than three years since he went to the doctor coughing up blood with a swollen testicle. He would go on to miraculously win the next six Tour de France races (for a total of seven), beating every top rival in the world.

And then there were the PEDs allegations. For an exhaustive list and timeline of the allegations, you can read the Wikipedia article. What it amounts to is Armstrong vehemently opposing the idea of using PEDs, various sources claiming he used, and him passing over 20 drug tests in his return to cycling from 2008 to 2009. Yet the frozen urine samples from 1999 allegedly contain erythropoietin (EPO), a hormone that stimulates the production of red blood cells.

Meanwhile Armstrong started The Lance Armstrong Foundation that has sold the Livestrong bracelet since 2004. This non-profit has raised over 325 million dollars and is one of the top ten groups funding cancer research along with supporting people afflicted with cancer.

Lance Armstrong is a respectable, successful, amazing man. And he used performance enhancement drugs. 

There is no hard physical evidence saying that Armstrong has used PEDs and he has never tested positive for them. USADA is a pain-in-the-ass organization that is crucifying him for something that is not only not proven, but something that everybody does. Wake up boys and girls, elite athletes are all “dopers”. That’s the way it has been, that’s the way it is, and that’s the way the future will always be. This doesn’t take anything away from Armstrong’s success because all of his opponents were doing the same thing. However it does take away from his “American Hero” persona because the world is full of naive people who want to believe that everyone is clean and the rules make sense.

Just because something is a rule or a law doesn’t mean it’s right.

Let’s prevent this from turning into a philosophical discussion on how we should derive our rules, laws, and regulations, and focus on this single fact: everyone dopes.

Angel Heredia provided PEDs to elite and Olympic athletes. He supplied them to our friend Maurice Greene, Marion Jones, Justin Gatlin, and Tim Montgomery. He admits to it because the FBI caught him and now he has to tell the truth or he goes to jail for a very long time. He did this interview with a German magazine in 2008 that was quite revealing. For example:

SPIEGEL: Mr. Heredia, will you watch the 100 meter final in Beijing?

Heredia: Of course. But the winner will not be clean. Not even any of the contestants will be clean.

SPIEGEL: Of eight runners …

Heredia: … eight will be doped.

SPIEGEL: There is no way to prove that.

Heredia: There is no doubt about it. The difference between 10.0 and 9.7 seconds is the drugs.

The best athletes in the world use drugs. They do it for several reasons, and I bet it’s up to the individual as to which is most important. The first is that it improves their performance, helps them recovery (including from injury), or subsequently helps prevent injury. PEDs do not make a person elite; an elite person becomes cream of the crop by using drugs.

SPIEGEL: Can drugs make anyone into a world record holder?

Heredia: No, that is a misapprehension: “You take a couple of tablets today and tomorrow you can really fly.” In reality you have to train inconceivably hard, be very talented and have a perfect team of trainers and support staff. And then it is the best drugs that make the difference. It is all a great composition, a symphony. Everything is linked together, do you understand? And drugs have a long-term effect: they ensure that you can recover, that you avoid the catabolic phases. Volleyball on the beach might be healthy, but peak athletics is not healthy. You destroy your body. Marion Jones, for example …

SPIEGEL: … five-time Olympic medallist at Sydney 2000 …

Heredia: … trained with an unparalleled intensity. Drugs protect you from injury. And she triumphed and picked up all the medals.

 

Another reason that PEDs are used is money. Elite athletes have sponsorships. Their success is directly correlated with the flow of money and therefore dictates whether or not they get paid to train. In order to keep their dream alive — the dream of competing and winning at the world level — they will do whatever they can to retain that money. Sometimes their family depends on it. They are full of incentive to train, recover, and perform to the best of their ability. Put yourself in their position: if your wife, kids, and grandparents relied on your money to live comfortably, or you could make enough money to support them for the rest of their lives, would you use PEDs for several years?

The last reason that PEDs are taken is because everyone is using them. Why would you subject yourself to a performance deficit when everyone around you is using PEDs? Glenn Pendlay has been told by junior international weightlifters that they cannot make it to the next level because they aren’t able to take enough “medicine”. Professional baseball and football players are routinely caught and disciplined for using banned substances. And you bet your ass that Olympic athletes are using whatever edge they can get.

And here’s the thing — most of it is untraceable!

SPIEGEL: Do you have any other secrets?

Heredia: Oh yes, of course. There are tablets for the kidneys that block the metabolites of steroids, so when athletes give a urine sample, they don’t excrete the metabolites and thus test negative. Or there is an enzyme that slowly consumes proteins – epo has protein structures, and the enzyme thus ensures that the B sample of the doping test has a completely different value than the A sample. Then there are chemicals that you take a couple of hours before the race that prevent acidification in the muscles. Together with epo they are an absolute miracle. I’ve created 20 different drugs that are still undetectable for the doping testers.

Angel Heredia doesn’t have a chemistry degree and he’s making undetectable PEDs. There’s a saying that says, “The drugs are always ten years ahead of the testing.” PEDs will not go away. The only way that they can is:

SPIEGEL: Can the testers win this race?

Heredia: Theoretically yes. If all federations and sponsors and managers and athletes and trainers were all in agreement, if they were to invest all the money that the sport generates and if every athlete were to be tested twice a week – but only then. What’s happening now is laughable. It’s a token. They should save their money – or give it to me. I’ll give it to the orphans of Mexico! There will be doping for as long as there is commercial sports, performance-related shoe contracts and television contracts.

 

Organizations like USADA or WADA lack the ability to do their jobs. They are making some headway by prosecuting people, but they are eliminating athletes — athletes like Lance Armstrong who are literally inspirational heroes — from sports that aggressively use PEDs. They are trying to prove the worth of their organization by publicizing the execution of the big names. It’s all in the name of “fairness” when in reality intelligently using PEDs is something that equalizes fairness across competitors. But it isn’t enough because athletes will always use PEDs.

SPIEGEL: Are there still any clean disciplines?

Heredia: Track and field, swimming, cross-country skiing and cycling can no longer be saved. Golf? Not clean either. Soccer? Soccer players come to me and say they have to be able to run up and down the touchline without becoming tired, and they have to play every three days. Basketball players take fat burners – amphetamines, ephedrin. Baseball? Haha. Steroids in pre-season, amphetamines during the games. Even archers take downers so that their arm remains steady. Everyone dopes.

 

If you’re still of the anti-doping mindset, you’re naive. There are even collegiate and high school athletes who use PEDs. There is no safe sport for you to watch other than 5-year-old T-ball.

For everyone one athlete that is caught, there are probably a hundred, maybe a thousand that get away with using PEDs. We waste congressional time and money trying to track PEDs users down and careers or lives are ruined as a result. “Sport” is a big industry, and it would be much more simple to legalize the use of PEDs and openly allow coaches and athletes to improve the already safe and effective methods of using them (the people who misuse them are idiots working out in your local Gold’s Gym). It would keep the athletes healthier, eliminate an archaic and useless system, and not change the outcome of the world’s sporting events.

But modern society is still stuck in mindset that the world is black and white, good and evil, with these silly regulations and witch hunts. The fact that everyone is using and the drug tests can’t identify any of them would be funny if it weren’t so devastatingly sad when it tarnishes the professional career of someone respectable like Lance Armstrong.

Note: This is coming from someone who has never used PEDs. 

Edit: I’ve talked with some people and I have sort of changed my stance on the issue. Do I think Lance is a hero because of his drug use? No. But two things in particular make him admirable: a) the fact that he came back from full body cancer, trained hard as hell, and won the pinnacle of his sport SEVEN TIMES and b) how he has used this experience and fame to raise money to support people with cancer and research. Those are the admirable qualities. 

The un-admirable qualities are how he has consistently lied to his fans (and donators) about using PEDs. He undoubtedly did, and lying about it only makes it worse. Lying isn’t good, but it may have been necessary to a) keep himself out of jail, b) keep the donations coming, or c) any other self-preserving quality, which could include preserving the seven wins. In the context that at least 75% of his opponents, if not all of them, are or were using the same drugs, I don’t know if I have a problem with this. It’s a fuzzy topic for me. The moral might be that, “The world isn’t black and white.”

Q&A – 40

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PR Friday

Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here? Updated your week’s training in the comments. If you had any PR’s, let us know about them.

Paul Sousas attack in numbers

Weekly Challenge

Last week’s challenge basically said, “How much butter can you eat, punk?” I’m told there are some interesting communities online that pride themselves on their butter consumption. Eating more butter increases the amount of fat calories consumed. High-fat diets, particularly animal fat, promote higher testosterone and hormone productions — fat and cholesterol are the building blocks of hormones, after all. Eating fat also helps improve insulin sensitivity since it will usually be combined with a change in carbohydrate consumption. Greater amounts of animal fat allow for better recovery and bulking, but they also help a lifter get lean by avoiding carb calories as well as avoiding unnecessary fat gain when trying to bulk. Aside from adequate protein, fat consumption is the best method to recover from training and stay lean. My friend Gant always used to say, “Eat protein to maintain or build muscle, eat fat to recover, and only eat enough carbs to fuel your activity level.”

 Next Week’s Challenge: Learn about a specific muscle group that gives you problems in training. Learn how it functions as well as what you can do to improve the problem. Share your findings in next week’s comments.

Week In Review

On Monday a bunch of people that are sensitive to vegetarians thought that I would give a shit what they had to say when I wrote this piece. There isn’t anything anyone could say to change my mind because a vegetarian will simply not lead as healthy a life as they could, and they certainly won’t be able to reap the benefits of their training. If they thought research on the human body was so comprehensive and correct, then they are free to go and eat whole grains as 75% of their diet for a year and let me know how that goes. QED. On Tuesday I pointed out that rotating your toes forward for the squat is dependent on having the mobility to do so. Wednesday I started a series that shows a continuum of how to learn about strength and conditioning. This particular post was focused on several very good anatomy books; anatomy is the foundation for coaching and programming. I also sent out the first issue of the 70’s Big Insider Newsletter today. Normally these won’t be available to non-subscribers, but today you can get a view of the newsletter (this preview link will be taken down tomorrow).

Q&A 

brian45 asks:

this is siituational (not me, just hypothetical). What I am trying to say/ask is:

 

if a client/person is squatting at say 45 degrees or greater but it is comfortable versus turning their toes into 30 where it is discomforting. Do you A) stop squatting (because the toe angle is so great despite no pain) and focus on mobility until they can move in? or B) hit mobility and using the short term change created have them slightly move in and squat (gradually working in)?

 

Dear brian45,

I wouldn’t expect someone to be uncomfortable at 30 degrees. Even the most inflexible people won’t need to point their 45 degrees out — it’s pretty excessive. But you are correct in saying that we would not want the person to be uncomfortable from a joint perspective (though they’ll probably be muscularly uncomfortable since squats are not the same as couch lounging). Use the toe angle that is “forward enough” without providing positional or joint complications.

Note that acute applications of ‘mobility work’ can improve positioning for that session. By using joint distraction to open the hip flexors (band pulls thigh forward when kneeling), lacrosse balling the external rotators, and stretching the calves and achilles a lifter can hit better squatting positions. These areas should be worked on regularly too, but it’s immensely helpful to do them immediately before squatting.

 

splchris says: 

after my acl surgery and partial lateral meniscoctomy, toes forward is very painful. feels like bone one bone action. i probably should just stop trying…

 

To which I replied:

Yeah, man, I wouldn’t attempt it. Perhaps you could hit a different end ROM after a while, but it depends on how the repair was done. The ACL resists anterior translation (the tibia shearing forward) as well as medial rotation. That second part is the important part.

I haven’t wrapped my head around it yet, but when you squat with toes forward the tibia laterally rotates. The ACL is supposed to stop medial rotation, that would produce tension on the ligament. Lateral rotation on the tibia might compress the ligament. That might be the painful part since it’s surgically repaired and no longer normal. Perhaps the repaired tissue is getting pushed into itself, or maybe it’s getting compressed into bone.

Either way, you are right in thinking that you shouldn’t point the toes forward. Maybe forever, but at least for several months.

 

daniel asks:

I’d like to know how gorillas get so jacked from a mostly vegetarian diet. Do they produce significantly more testosterone than humans or what?

 

Dear Daniel,

This is an excellent question. A google search of “how are gorillas so muscular” brought up interesting results. One person noted that a gorilla will eat an average of 18kg of food a day. Plus, they’re grass-fed brah.

Personally, I think it’s due to their fecal consumption.

 

Brandon S. asks,

I am transitioning to TM next week. My starting VD weight is about 65lbs less than my ID weight starting out. Should I advance the VD weight each week for awhile or leave it steady for a few weeks and raise it once per month?

Dear Brandon,

Do you have The Texas Method: Advanced? In that book, it talks about the discrepancy between the Volume Day and Intensity Days as a percentage instead of an absolute amount of weight. It’s hard for me to comment on your situation because you didn’t list your poundages, but ideally someone in your position will wait until his Intensity Day gets a a bit difficult before increasing the Volume Day regularly. Think of the VD as approaching “once every three weeks”, which is the recommendation in The Texas Method: Part 1. I’ll also point out that the first book has a process for transitioning into the TM, and it’s dependent on what your previous program was.

Well, there weren’t a lot of training questions because people were just whining and bitching about various things. Enjoy the first weekend of college football and get outside before the cold season.