“It’s quite simple, David…”

Listen Skinny Guy, you aren’t trying. You sit down at night and wonder why you aren’t getting stronger as you pick at chicken breast and broccoli. You might even be the guy eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast…like a child.

It’s time to man up Skinny Guy. I don’t like skinny guys, much less you, Skinny Guy. You either think you ought to be skinny like all of the psuedo-manly guys on TV and in movies or you like to be skinny. If you didn’t like being skinny, you’d do something about it. You would take your skinny jeans and skull cap off (you probably wear the skull cap in summer time too), and you would engage in activity that would require you to not be skinny.

Some of you Skinny Guys have actually decided to do something about it, but you haven’t gotten past this phase of BITCHING about everything that goes on. If your name is Skinny Guy and you don’t gain five pounds in the first week of training, then you aren’t trying. Guys in our gym gain 15 pounds in two or three weeks. I have heard some of you rejoice in the fact that you gain five pounds in a month. That disgusts me, Skinny Guy. I know you’ve been skinny your whole life, but get over the fear of gaining some kind of bodyfat. Your name is Skinny Guy for chrissakes! As we have said before, if you have been skinny your whole life, you don’t get to have an opinion on being fat.

Things that are worth doing are typically not easy, but some of you give up and think that you have a special scenario that requires some kind of unique advice that is not A) eat more food, B) squat, press, and deadlift, and C) stop your whiny bitching.

For some reason I have been in a foul mood, and I think it is Skinny Guy’s fault. My patience is wearing thin. If you think you have a form issue with any of your lifts, then pick up Starting Strength and figure out what that might be. There are plenty of videos on Rip’s Q&A Board. Find a coach if you can. Assuming you have done these things, you should know what you are doing wrong and may be able to cue it yourself. If you think your form is “pretty good” and your name is Skinny Guy, then you aren’t eating enough.

From now on, you guys are only allowed to ask for programming advice if you meet the following weight requirements:

5’7″ and taller: >200 lbs.
5’3″ to 5’6″: >185 lbs.
Under 5’3″: Submit an application to be chased by Jarred Allen

If you have met the weight requirements, then you have done something difficult enough that you have learned not to bitch about your inadequacies and you have manned up. Ladies are always welcome to ask for advice, because that means you have at least considered getting strong, and this gets you a gold star.

And since I know you are going to ask, Fat Guy, keep eating your protein and fat, but cut back your carbs. If you are Really Fat Guy, then you may want to try a drastic approach for a few weeks (no carbs at all). Oh, and I apologize to Fat Guy and Big Guy that we have to give Skinny Guy so much attention…he just doesn’t fucking listen.

Brian lifts a beam that is 300+ lbs. Skinny Guy couldn’t do that.