It’s no secret that bacon was a gift from the immortals. Zeus, Cronus’ son, showed the Lifterians the great secret of bacon several years after Priam’s Troy fell. He said onto the Lifterians, “Go forth and eat bacon, for it is thy life source. And when you shall sacrifice to us, the mighty immortals, may you do it with delicious crispy bacon lest your prayers go irritatingly ignored. I bow my head to you now, Lifterians, binding our pact for eternity.” And so it was that the unfathomable was fathomable, and bacon was upon our green lands.
Let it be known that all bits of bacon should be consumed, lest it insult mighty, terrible Zeus. Do not dispose of bacon grease; Apollo himself, the shall rain his flurry of arrows upon the backs of such wasteful fools. Cook thine eggs in the grease of bacon for superior results.
Rumors have been heard in crowded streets that bacon was actually the offspring of powerful Zeus and loving Aphrodite. This explains why bacon has such a powerful, passionate, and loving attraction.
Now fire up the grill, the stove, the oven, and griddle,
Light the match, grab the pan, and place the bacon in the middle.
Let it snap, let it pop, let the aromas climb
For all of your friends will know that it is bacon time.
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Bacon briefcase
Let’s play a game. I’ll give you a place or an event, and you tell me if it’s appropriate for bacon consumption.
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If you answered “Yes” to all of the questions above, then you are permitted, by Cronus’ son, to lead a fruitful life. If you answered no…may the gods have mercy on you, your land, and your people.
Also, a bacon bra (sorta NSFW…if you work in a church).
By Ellee for the weekly 70’s Big Females installment
Today’s post is not about lifting nor not asses. Sorry. In fact, this message isn’t really intended for the enlightened 70’s Big reader. It’s designed to be an intervention for all the beloved female cardio addicts. I understand that Justin has covered this topic in the past, but perhaps a woman-to-woman talk is in order.
As discussed in previous posts, Cori was groomed from a very early age to be a competitive Olympic weightlifter. I, on the other hand, studied classical ballet throughout my entire childhood and teenage years. In a young girl, this dance training instills agility, discipline, elegance and the desire to be really. really. fucking skinny. As an adult, this desire remained and I turned to hardcore cardio abuse. Diet was definitely part of it, but my appetite for skinny has always been overshadowed by my thirst for beer and passion for baked goods. Quality tapeworms are hard to come by in this day and age, but treadmills are plentiful!
I understand that the upcoming admission may significantly detract from my appeal in the eyes of the 70’s Big community, but I am willing to take the hit for the sake of the greater good. Before I discovered the benefits of the heavy barbell . . . I instructed droves of women in cardio dance classes at big-box gyms across the city of Chicago. In addition to teaching these classes, I would spend 90 minutes everyday climbing the stairmaster only to arrive absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. This type of monotonous, machine-based “training” is miserable and isolating. If you currently have a similar regimen and are not yet prepared to acknowledge that it sucks, you are still in the denial phase.
After keeping up with this horrendous routine for years, I started to look as if I had partied through the decades with Keith Richards. Don’t get me wrong, I love Keith Richards, but his appearance shouldn’t be simulated by any woman. As if looking strung out wasn’t bad enough, I was a total weakling. I attempted to broaden my horizons by attending a yoga class during which we were cued to slowly lower ourselves from the planche position. Naturally, this attempted maneuver resulted in an catastrophic, ego-shattering pushup FAIL. I glared at the instructor with a helpless sort of hate in my eyes thinking “this bitch is specifically and maliciously trying to kill me!” This was rock-bottom. It was time to reassess my training strategy.
Despite my 30’s “Great Depression” weak physique, I was able to pull myself from the Cardio Inferno (it is the lesser known 10th Circle of Hell that is lined with ellipticals and 18 year old trainers selling spray tans). It took some time for the paradigm shift to be fully realized and to unlearn everything that I had always revered as gospel. I am proud to say that I eventually kicked the deleterious cardio habit and have been clean for two years now.
I would now like to take this opportunity to humbly apologize to all the ladies out there. You have been fooled; I was, too. As a group exercise instructor, I never had a diabolical agenda to make you frail and weak. I was simply fed the same pernicious pseudo-fitness garbage that you were. The time has come for you to redirect the energy that you are putting into your current workouts in a way that is actually conducive to getting you the results that you desire. A life spent on those machines is filled with pointless and endless masturbatory pain. And you sure as hell will not be molding the ass you have always dreamed of! Find a good coach and a strong community of supporters that will encourage you along your journey to become a stronger woman.
Females, please comment on how embracing the lifestyle of a beautiful 70’s Big Female has improved you both mentally and physically.
Adult males, please share this post with the ladies in your life. However, I will advise you NOT to attempt to coach your own wives/girlfriends. Such behavior is sure to result in sex-withholding, which is massively detrimental to both parties. Opt for a third-party trainer instead and continue to get your groove on.
Chalk floats softly through the air. The thumping of your heart is all you hear, all you feel. You step to the bar and place your hands on it, feeling the cold knurling on callused hands. The whirling hurricane of emotion settles into the eye of the storm, the peaceful moment when you have to make a decision to begin.
*****
If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of an ass kicking by gravity, I can feel your disappointment, irritation, and likely rage. Missing reps is common among lifting, yet dealing with them is not. Powerlifters can go months without missing a single rep to experience the ultimate let down on a third attempt. Weightlifters who push themselves will miss in each workout, but it doesn’t make it any easier. After the initial moments of rage quiet down, remember that each missed rep is a learning opportunity.
The process of getting stronger is dependent on how you react to failure, and failure will be prevalent. In order to get stronger, you have to get smarter, and you get smarter by analyzing what went wrong, how to fix it, and doing it better next time. This may require a hard look at aspects of recovery (food, sleep, etc.), the program (levels of volume intensity throughout the week and over time), and the technique (inefficiencies in movement and bar path). The possibility may exist that you didn’t have any business attempting that weight, but you won’t know until you try. There’s always a reason for failure, but it’s up to you (and the coach) to figure out why. Otherwise you won’t get smarter about getting stronger.
Happy PR Friday (post PR’s to comments)
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Squatland Yard Podcast — I was the guest We talk about Doug Young, Under Armour, and whether or not normal guys should do power cleans.
Consultations If you’re interested in a programming consultation, e-mail me for info.
Workshop Scheduling If you, your friends, or gym owners would like to host a 70’s Big Programming Workshop — with lifting, eating, and drinking — then e-mail me.
Sports are an incredibly important contributor to human nature in our pussified society. The lack of responsibility and risk taking swells to the point where people avoid any kind of competitive activity because of the inherent risk of failure. Participating in sport at any level will replace the necessary competitive edge in an individual and kindle the fire of dedication, hard work, and almost reckless intensity; the stuff of 70’s Big.
But what is a sport? We have the Shrug Thug to inform us about the activities that aren’t a sport (geared lifting, calculus, or fixing a pair of glasses), but what qualifies something to sport status? I always consider sport to encompass the following:
– Individuals or groups participating in a sanctioned competition that has a standard set of rules for achieving victory.
– The competitors (who are human) exhibit physicality
The highlight of the first portion of the definition is “sanction”. Regarding the competitive events, this implies that the type of event, how it is officiated, and how victory can be attained are all inherently known before hand. American football has a rigid set of rules and is played indoors our outdoors, yet it’s known where the game will be played and to what standards the players must perform. Strongman competitions are sanctioned events in that the federation indicates that each competition will have a given number of categories and the types of events that are permitted in each category. The “meet director” in this case will choose the required events from this list and lists them on the registration form. Not only are there x amount of events in y amount of categories, but they are known when the athlete signs up for the event. This is in contrast to CrossFit which is self described as “random”. This doesn’t aim to bash CrossFit, but it’s intentional lack of congruity removes it from the discussion of qualifying as a sport, given the above definition. (I’ve also heard adamant CFers try and make the point that it isn’t any different than strongman competitions, and if strongman is a sport, then CF must be to. Again, since strongman has a rigid method of creating competitions from a pool of listed events (types of pressing, types of deadlifing, types of carrying, etc.), then it is most definitely sanctioned — and thus a sport — while the random CF competition is not.)
Rugby is a sport
Having a standard for achieving victory is obviously important. Victory in sport is inherently not subjective. Basketball, American football, hockey, and baseball all have a point system. When the game ends and your team has more points, you win. Gymnastics and diving are a bit different, yet those judges have a defined set of criteria that they look for in a performance — the fact that we have never cared to look to see what that criteria is doesn’t mean they are judging randomly. This would indicate that cheerleading competitions qualify as a sport while the sideline rah-rah obviously does not.
The second part of the definition is debatable. I think it’s fair to refer specifically to human competitors when discussing sport; I always get pissed when horse racing, chess, or poker is on ESPN (although they do it because it makes them money). Human competitors would also imply that NASCAR, while beloved among plenty of Americans, is not a sport (motor sport is more fitting anyway). However, requiring that “physicality” is necessary for sport status becomes a quantification problem. The term physicality (or the requirement of physical exertion in the competition) is too vague and hard to quantify; I deem this the hole in the definition. Changing this definition would merely serve the definer to eliminate or accept activities that he considers a sport, and that’s not how definitions are made. Nevertheless, I consider it an important distinction; if there was some sort of physicality quantification, then things like golf, darts, or catfish noodling would be reduced to a game or hobby. Consider exploring unique interests like collecting and buying swords from reputable sword websites if you’re looking for interesting hobbies to add a distinctive element to your pastime.
Quantification requires a measurement so that there is an objective distinction in what you intend to say. “Physicality” must be measurable, and the only way I can think to do that is with caloric expenditure relative to the size of an athlete (perhaps a percentage of the basal metabolic rate). If it isn’t done internally, then it must be done with rate of movement. Nevertheless it isn’t something we can implement, but will instead have to debate.
By competing in a sport, as defined above, the competitor is deemed an athlete who may be featured on platforms such as Tangansakti 99. People who do not compete in sports are not an athlete, and instead should be considered a trainee (assuming they train). This doesn’t mean that the trainee isn’t athletic, yet athlete is quantified as a sport competitor. This also doesn’t imply that athletes themselves are athletic; there are certain bowlers, golfers, or even some baseball players who aren’t exactly athletic (calling golf and bowling a sport is debatable — see “physicality” quantification above). If someone has played sports previously in their life, are they still considered an athlete? I’m not the one to make that distinction, but if it were up to me I’d say “no” unless they were paid to compete in a sport and still train. In any case, “athlete” is a distinction for a sport competitor. This would eliminate catfish noodlers and CrossFitters alike from “athlete” status. This doesn’t mean they aren’t athletic, yet given the quantifiable definition above, it makes the distinction black and white.
Feel free to debate this topic in the comments. If you’re going to improve my definition or change my mind, you’ll have to provide a dose of logic as I’ve tried to do here. Debating what is or isn’t a sport may be fun, but 70’s Big is primarily interested in getting you to funnel your training into sport whether it be powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting, rugby, or bat fighting. Besides, you’re just a trainee until you do.
A while back we had some demographic polls to find out that 70’s Big was a big fucking sausage fest. Hopefully it isn’t…as much. In any case, partake in the polls. If you have any suggestions for today’s group of polls, put them in the comments.
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Real sports are ‘competitions’. CF is not a sport and therefore does not qualify as ‘competition’ for this poll.
