There’s gotta be some standards, for god’s sakes
The epitome of 70’s Big
When the website went live, one of the first things that my friend Chris did was compile a list of things that would or would not exhibit what 70’s Big is all about. I share his concern. You see, 70’s Big has been alive for the better part of 2009. You, the reader, are at a disadvantage. You may not intuitively know what is acceptable.
Hell, you may open your tub of soy protein after gelling your hair while listening to Nickelback and sipping a smoothie. For god’s sakes, this is for your own good! Okay? I can’t have you going around talking to your friends about 70’s Big when you’re convincing someone that your shirt is fucshia with a Bud Light in your hand. And I’m pretty sure Rip would find the athleticism to backflip kick you in the jaw if you were convinced Crown Royal was the best kind of whiskey. Look, it’s just bad for my reputation if you talk about 70’s Big after shaving your chest, doing a few sets of curls and push-ups, then hitting up the bar with your favorite “whore-stink” cologne on.
No, I can’t have that. There has to be some standards, dammit.
DOs
- Hairiness
- Mustaches
- Beards
- Meat
- Milk
- Fire
- Iron
- Beer
- Black and white pictures
- Socks
- Short shorts
- Chicago (the band)
- Led Zeppelin
- Chalk
- BBQ and smoked meat
- Bold coffee
- Boots
- .45 Long Colt
- Pooping frequently
- Slaying zombies (vaguely gruesome)
DON’Ts
- Shaving — specifically chests, arms, and legs
- Tanning
- Soy
- Isolation exercise
- Weighing less than 200 pounds
- Under Armour
- Running
- Skinny Jeans
- “Stop sign plates”
- Salad
- Bodybuilding
- 90’s Small
- Mirrors
- Smoothie Bars
- Tofu
- Smith Machines
- Male models (synonymous with 90’s Small)
- P90X, Bowflex, Total Gym, “functional exercise”, “working the core”, etc.
- Killed by zombies (humorously gruesome)
By no means is this list finalized or comprehensive. You’ve got a whole weekend to make suggestions. Choose them wisely…
** OFF TOPIC **
Any one know who made this? Its great…
do:
American Muscle Cars and dual exhaust
Don”t:
Import Cars and fart-pipe exhaust
OK, I must pull rank regarding Under Armour. True, it didn”t exist in the 70”s, however, synthetic fibers are a welcome improvement to cotton, which is a fabric preferred by liberals. So Rip, let”s more that one over to the “do” list eh?
Charles: The reasons Under Armour is under the “Don”t” column are many, including but not limited to the fact that gay little kids wear it, and the fact that the friction of the bar on your back during a squat is key to the squat”s success, Under Armour lowers the friction, allowing the bar to slide, causing problems like being scrawny, frail, and developing t-rex arms for legs.
If cotton is a fabric preferred by liberals, then at least they got something right, finally.
The shirt should be cotton or 50/50, not nylon or all synthetic. That would be a line straight out of “starting strength.” So that means under armour is a “don”t.” I believe Rip is only a contributor to the website, not the creator.
I”m going to assume that by Under Armor it”s more specific to the skin tight, smooth feeling shirts they make. I wear their basic t-shirts which feel like cotton and look like a normal t-shirt, but figure it doesn”t constitute a “Don”t”.
To clarify, just because one of you goobers posts a Do or Don’t doesn’t necessarily mean they are added to the official list.
And Under Armour is disliked because of the…well, the demographic that typically wears such clothing. They are in the generation of 20-year-olds.
That being said, Under Armour is not conducive to squatting, because the fabric causes the bar to slip very easily.
Keep up with the comments. Most are amusing.
Do: double denim (candian tuxedo)
Don”t: nike shox
Do:
Hunt
Kill Nazis
Khakis
Do: Hard work
Don”t: Excuses
Do: Fart constantly
Don”t: Shit your pants
Do: Pitbulls
Don”t: Kittens
Do: Lifting Shoes
Don”t: Vibrams
Do: Spot me
Don”t: Touch my fucking bar if I”m not failing
Whats a curl bar? :(
Do: Explosive milk shits that are so rancid everytime your wife walks into the bathroom after you she covers her nose and runs away cussing and screaming at you because you didn”t use the air freshner she put under the sink.
Which brings to my next point:
Don”ts: air freshner
Chuck B
Don”t: Kittens
hell yeah
Do: Wrestle a bear at the Mexican circus.
DO:
– Create your own 70sbig country so the rest of us spared you guys. Please.
do: rusty barbell
don”t: pussy pad on rusty barbell (a.k.a. squat pad)
Do: Split Firewood by Hand
DO”s
-Metal Music
-Tex Mex
– Mexican food
– Buffet”s. Lots of Buffets.
DON”Ts
-quarter squats
-half squats
-squat with towel or pad on your neck like a vagina
– Teach powercleans when you yourself have no idea what your doing (me and ac saw this yesterday and it was driving me insane)
– go to bodybuilding.com
– buy gagic
Do – Refer to spoons as “food shovels”
DO: Pontiac Trans-Am
DON”T: Toyota Prius
DO: Hiking
DON”T: Power walking
DO: Judo
DON”T: Yoga
DO: Red
DON”T: Pink
DO: Boots
DON”T: Flip-Flops
DO: Mullets and Flat Tops
DON”T: Ponytails or Emo cuts
You know, the worst enemy to 70”s big isn”t necessarily 90”s small, it”s 2000”s Emo. That”s even worse than puke-enducing underwear models from Calvin Klein. And here”s the sad part; eventually these kids with make-up and girls jeans are going to reproduce…
I am surprised bikini briefs weren”t listed under the DO”s since they were in style in the 70”s.
Whats wrong with chicken and tofu again?
Do: Chuck Taylor”s
Under Armour should only be worn below the waist and above the knees.
Is chicken always a DON”T, especialy if I eat two of them?
Amendment to Don”t: Salads
Do: Cobb Salad
aussie do”s:
Stubbie shorts
Bonds ”bluie” beater
Dunlop volleys
Monaros, Toranas, GT Falcons
Friggen Mulletts!
Tattos of naked chicks.
Chicko Rolls
BIG ”M” (flavored milk)
Dogs called satan, rex, atilla
Dont”s
Rice burner cars
hair product unless it is motor oil
Fluro!
Spandex
Lycra
Lance armstrong wanna be road racers!
Cats
Dogs with sissy names
Anything with sissy names including cars.
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Do’s:
tank top tans
cut-off shorts
lifting weights outside
setting alarms for the middle of the night to fit in an extra meal.
overwhelming sexual stamina
calluses
spending more money on food than rent.
Do Not’s:
Wearing ipods while lifting
posing in the gym mirror
elliptical machines
liking the show Friends
refusing an armwrestling challenge
using a hangover as an excuse
arching your eyebrows
dying your hair
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