DOs and DON’Ts of 70’s Big

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There’s gotta be some standards, for god’s sakes

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The epitome of 70’s Big

When the website went live, one of the first things that my friend Chris did was compile a list of things that would or would not exhibit what 70’s Big is all about. I share his concern. You see, 70’s Big has been alive for the better part of 2009. You, the reader, are at a disadvantage. You may not intuitively know what is acceptable.

Hell, you may open your tub of soy protein after gelling your hair while listening to Nickelback and sipping a smoothie. For god’s sakes, this is for your own good! Okay? I can’t have you going around talking to your friends about 70’s Big when you’re convincing someone that your shirt is fucshia with a Bud Light in your hand. And I’m pretty sure Rip would find the athleticism to backflip kick you in the jaw if you were convinced Crown Royal was the best kind of whiskey. Look, it’s just bad for my reputation if you talk about 70’s Big after shaving your chest, doing a few sets of curls and push-ups, then hitting up the bar with your favorite “whore-stink” cologne on.

No, I can’t have that. There has to be some standards, dammit.

DOs

DON’Ts

By no means is this list finalized or comprehensive. You’ve got a whole weekend to make suggestions. Choose them wisely…

80 thoughts on “DOs and DON’Ts of 70’s Big”

  5. Re: Beer. There is good and bad, but beer snobbery is out.

    Most people don”t start out drinking properly. This is due to age, finances, circumstances, whatever. If a fellow plows through a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, starts a bonfire, and throws an empty keg around, he deserves a pat on the back (and a ride home), not scorn. He will come around in his own time.

    How do you scout potential in the 20-something Bud/Coors Light drinker? If he weighs 155 pounds, has a popped collar, and slaps high fives with his dude-bros (this includes most University of Texas fans), he is out. If that same kid is wearing a ripped t-shirt and bloodies or burns himself while demonstrating a feat of strength and then demands a Whataburger run, you have some good raw material. Give this guy a knowing nod and offer him a beer, but don”t be surprised if he refuses and runs off searching for more palettes for his bonfire. He”ll be back in a couple years.

    You are there to guide and assist, not to judge. All you can do is wipe the head of an Anchor Steam foam from your beard and shake your head in quiet disappointment.

  9. What about tan tinted Aviator sunglasses added to the “Do”s”? And is it just me or did everyone in the 70s have curly or wavy hair, in which case would perms be on the “Do”s” list?

    “Don”ts” – Matching workout apparel (by the way, your UnderArmor pic up there is priceless), faux hawks, and lifting gloves.

  10. Do – southern rock/blues, scare buffet owners, scare “metros”
    Don t – manicure, mocha, latte, pink (includes any variation or resemblance to said color), hybrid, vibram 5 finger

    Skinny jeans? Men in America actually wear those things?! Fuck

  11. Do – 8 cylinders

    Don”t – 4 cylinders

    Also, given the 70”s Big definition of an adult male being >200lbs I was wondering if there should be some sort of celebration when a person reaches that milestone. A Bigmitzvah of sorts with meat as far as the eye can see and beer flowing down from the heavens.

  12. Don”t – Tone, wear gloves, check cholesterol.

    The only acceptable salad was outlined by Rip in one of the interviews. Bring in 2 cans of tuna to the $2.79 Pizza Hut all you can salad bar. That”s a 1500 calorie meal (adding the ranch dressing, cheese, seeds, bacon bits, and pizza) for under 5 bucks.

  25. Do not: “Lunk Alarm” signs.
    Do not: Every square inch of walls covered by mirrors.
    Do not: Obnoxiously “happy” colored walls, i.e. Planet Fitness purple.
    Do not: Standing on Bosu/Core Board/Balance Board contraption.
    Do not: rolling around on brightly colored rubber balls.
    Do not: “Cardio Rooms”
    Do not: TVs
    Do not: “That”s all you man!”

    Sadly, I am employed at such a horrible place. :(

  26. Do”s:
    Half and Half
    Butter
    whole eggs
    steak
    intensity
    puking (as a result of intensity)
    scaring people at gym
    whole body workout everytime
    hard time finding jeans that fit
    neck hair
    always hungry and eating to
    setting new pr
    satisfy hunger

    Dont”s:
    Reduced fat milk
    “Smart Balance” (pretend butter)
    egg whites
    chicken
    “fat burning zone” cardio
    holding back, taking it easy
    using gym for socializing
    chest day, sholder day,arm day etc.
    chicken legs
    hair removal products
    dieting
    getting a pump
    MMA shirts

  28. That just might. I would cease your faux foolishness immediately.
    For the love of God people, don t carry a man-bag. It is still a fucking purse.

  36. Do: Black Sabbath.

    re: >200lb, I just cracked 92kg, which is… 202.4lb! … bring on the ”meat as far as the eye can see and beer flowing down from the heavens”!!

  37. What if you”re a guy who”s balding? What”s the 70”s Big hairstyle of choice? Is shaving it bald or near bald acceptable? I assume combovers are out; they should”ve always been out.

    Do:
    Shag Carpet
    Full-size Vans
    Afro if you can
    Platform shoes for your lady

    Don”t:
    Pergo
    Mini-van
    Use a razor with more than one blade per side
    Use a razor that vibrates

  40. I don”t weigh over 200lb and I don”t know if I ever will. I weighed 149lb last December and I”m up to 177lb now.

    With regard to fullpen”s comment, this is the razor I shave with:
    Merkur Slant Bar. I use feather blades and no shaving cream, just hot water. I also have used a J.A. Henckels straight razor but the Merkur takes much less time.

  41. Im pretty sure a huge ass DON”T was a Hanah Montana song playing as I was going for a set of 20 back squats today at 310. I could only get 12 thanks to that.

  47. DO”s

    -Side Burns/Mutton Chops
    -dirty weights that leave rust on hands
    -insane look on face after a lift that causes others to keep their distance and be careful not to make eye contact.
    -strangely enjoys the sight of own blood, and wipes it away with shirt, increasing the value of the shirt.

    DONT”S

    -daintiness of any kind
    -smiling at anyone other than wife or mother

  49. I understand why you”d need to be over 200 pounds to be 70s big, but the idea that you need to be so to be a MAN strikes me as a bit strange in light of examples of men like Pyrros Dimas and Shi Zhiyong, both incredibly strong and neither over 200 pounds.

  50. And as for speaking loudly, Doug Young strikes me in interview footage as a quietly spoken man, so I don”t see how talking louder than everyone else is particularly admirable.

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