How To Do The 70’s Big Face

The Face

70’s Big is an attitude that isn’t subtle. It kicks down the door with thickly soled boots ready to rumble. It is rugged with hairy forearms. Underneath one forearm is a case of beer. Under the other is five pounds of barbecue. If there was a grandpa sitting in the corner of the room, he’d say, “They don’t make men like that anymore.” And when Skinny Guy looks at the figure in the doorway with fear, he pleads, “Wh-why did you bring beer? We’re ab-b-b-bout to train.” Our hero replies, “Well, we ain’t training all night, now are we, sweetheart?” He croons his neck forward as the ends of mouth grind down, his eyebrows raise up. He is menacing. He is ready.
He is 70’s Big.

But if you go through that whole scenario and then purse your lips together like you’re about to kiss your grandma or somebody’s ass, then you won’t have the same effect.

Exhibit A: My friend Ben is making some kind of an attempt at the face. While he is strong with a 190kg overhead squat, he fails miserably on this first attempt. ‘A’ for effort though.

Exhbit B. Eric and Antoinette have a similar fate.

There is a common mistake that these three make, and it is the secret to the 70’s Big Face. 70’s Big is a full effort, and the face is the same way. You can’t expect to just move your lips and achieve a look that says, “I’ll be ready to squat once I raze your village.” Here is a step-by-step guide to doing the face.

1. First, get in the right mindset. If you haven’t lifted something heavy, eaten meat, or done some yelling in the previous 24 hours, you probably aren’t ready.

2. This is the most important step of them all, because the face can’t be executed without this step. Protrude your jaw forward as if you were trying to achieve a severe under-bite. This allows you to do the next few steps.

3. Try and pull the corners of your mouth down as far as you can. Maximum distance (not be confused with “maximum jackage”) will be attained if, AND ONLY IF, the jaw is protruded.

4. Try and push the middle of your lips up as far as possible. This will increase the discrepancy between the maximum apex of the height of your lips with the asymptotic drop of the corners of your mouth.

5. Depending on the look you’re going for, adjust your eyes. For a mega-intense face, squint your eyes.

6. Now fix your eye brows. Raising your eyebrows as high as they can go turns a mediocre 70’s Big Face into an excellent 70’s Big Face (this is also a requisite for the mega-intense variation that Chris has patented in 14 countries — see below).

Chris, the crafty veteran

Excellent. Now you have the blueprints for a proper 70’s Big Face. Anything less is…well, it’s just awkward for everybody. Once you have mastered the mega-intense face, you can play around with some variations. Here AC is exhibiting authority with his coaches pass:

Here is what should have been an excellent picture. You’ll notice Brent is TOTALLY fucking up the picture by doing a Hello Kitty smile. Do not be the friend that ruins a good 70’s Big Face group picture. Fucking Brent.

Once you’re a pro, you can start free styling: