“Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

It’s time to talk about poopin’.

Everyone Poops. It’s a book I read years ago in a store, and I couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. I for one enjoy the act of pooping, and I know many of you do to (my friend Chris is a HUGE fan of poopin’). I get a lot of reading done while I’m on the commode. I routinely call my mom while poopin’, and I’m sure to let her know every single time. Gettin’ work done when I’m gettin’ work done, I always say.

But alas! Start drinking lots of milk and eating lots of meat and you may run into problems when trying to enjoy your poop. Lots of milk can give you the runs, and lots of meat can give you the stops. Poopity poop, what can ya do? My friends, this is when supplementing fiber becomes a necessity for your poopin’ satisfaction.

On a side note, when you are skinny little pain in the ass who is trying to gain weight, you do NOT have time for vegetables. Sure, you can have some peas or corn with your taters and chicken fried steak, but they should not be getting in the way of filling your irritating concave abs with calories. ESPECIALLY if it is an artichoke. What is this Californian obsession with artichokes? You scrape some sludge off of a leaf and then dip it into “special sauce” to tolerate it. I don’t understand. And don’t get me started on the sparkling water ordeal (tap water is fine for me, darling Tara).

Ahem. Fiber supplementation is something that I think should be a part of any quest for 70’s Big. Poopin’ shouldn’t be traumatizing, it should, fun, easy, and enjoyable. One night when Mike Hom was here, he was rambling to me about two different kinds of fiber; one that was a bit softer, and another that just knocked all the garbage off the intestinal walls. Ptsh, which one did you think I was already taking? Yeah, the one that would promote healthy poopin’.

Enter Equate’s Natural Psyllium Husk Fiber:


You can get this at Wal-Mart relatively cheap. All you have to do is get a few ounces of water, stir in a spoonful of the orange powder, drink it fast enough so it doesn’t solidify in your mouth, and BAM! Poopin’ made easy. My pal Brent says it tastes like orange Hi-C. Well, I don’t know about that, but I’ve had worse things in my mouth (don’t ask).

I’m really not interested in explaining what kind of fiber this is, but it will help make poopin’ more regular. It will make the runny poop un-runny and it will make the stoppy poop un-stoppy. Your poop will be normalized. Trust me. Especially if you are eating lots of food. Since there isn’t time for vegetables, supplementing the missing fiber will not only improve your time on the commode, but it will help keep your gut healthy.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but I know you guys will get out of hand: we don’t need any gratuitous poop stories in the comments. I do not want to hear about your poopin’ ailments, nor do I want to hear about the consistency, color, shape, or size of your poop. I do not want any pictures of videos of you, your poop, or anybody else’s. And I CERTAINLY do not want AC to talk about playing poopy dollar at the mall. I will not tolerate this, and we need to have standards, damn it.

The word poop has been used 26 times in this post, including this one.