Author Archives: Justin

Don’t Be A Skinny Guy – 101

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“I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but unicorns are kick ass!”

Skinny Guy, I want you to know that I care. I pity you.

I pity your cute little legs and your hunched shoulders. You hunch them so that you can flex your trunk easier in order to continuously flex your abs. A whimsical breeze could hit you at an angle that would knock your shirt clean off! If you can’t dazzle them with size, then cut their pupils with your 1280×1024 resolution abs.

Alas! Your abominable abdominals don’t have much utility outside of a non-hetero vampire movie. But don’t worry, Uncle Justin wants what’s best for you. I want you to be strong so that if when the inevitable zombie outbreak or nuclear holocaust occurs (whichever comes first), then you’ll be of some use to the rest of us.

“How can I do it? I have gone so many years without consuming a solid meal that I don’t know where to begin!” I hear your plight, Skinny Guy. Luckily, mainstream media is here to the rescue. They took time out of their busy schedule of updating us on American Idol and verbally performing fellatio on the head of the state to teach Skinny Guy what to eat.

The bun-free (“so meaty, there’s no room”) sandwich features two pieces of bacon, two slices of melted cheese and “Colonel’s Sauce” – which KFC officials said is a “zesty mayonnaise” — slathered between two chicken filets, either original recipe (540 calories and 32 fat grams per KFC.com) or the slightly slimmer grilled version (460 calories and 23 fat grams).

KFC Doubledown

Look at that, Skinny Guy. This is your density! Or something…

I especially like how the Chicken Ranch Taco Salad at Taco Bell weighs in at 910 calories and is apparently the second most caloric item on the menu. I also love how all of the blogs around the country are flipping their shit over this, as if caloric food is something new. The stupid-ass Huffington Post says they are “going too far” (Fun Fact of the Day: The Huffington Post linked to 70’s Big at the end of last year…well, okay, someone in the comments linked to us, but I found it amusing nonetheless). Everyone will try to shame the KFC, but I will stand against convention and tyranny and say, “Thank you, KFC, for caring about all of the Skinny Guys out there. You make my job easier.”

Figure It Out

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Look, I know a lot of you are training out of CrossFit facilities. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. But, most people wanting to get better at doing CrossFit stuff will do so by getting stronger. This isn’t new, we’ve been saying it for a while. It may not be in everyone’s best interest to weigh 260+ and be a lifter. That is okay, although the lot of you guys reading the site are horrendously underweight, regardless if you compete in anything or not.

My friend Gant moved up a weight class in Judo (from 90kg to 100kg) and has won his last two tournaments. The point is that he maintains a bodyweight below 220, but still has the 70’s Big mindset. He strength trains properly and conditions very well for his sport. Oh, and he also eats like a man should: heartily. Actually being big enough to be considered 70’s Big will not be in everyone’s best interest, but the quest of 70’s Big is one that aims to get stronger and improve.

“The Scott” is a good example of this. He’s a guy who got involved with CrossFit after a period of dicking around in gyms, and then got pretty damn strong by lifting and drinking his milk. Recently he competed in two CrossFit competitions; he weighed 215 for the first, and then 205 for the second. During one of these he was interviewed by a camera crew, and they asked him a series of questions. When they finally asked about his beard, Scott replied, “It’s all about 70s Big, bulking, chocolate milk and lifting heavy.” Scott is a patriot.

Oh, for those of you who were upset to see him lose ten pounds, he told me in the e-mail, “I am glad that I’m going back to strength training and minimal [conditioning]. This winter my goal is to [weigh] 225 lbs, a 500 deadlift, 450 squat, 400 bench press, 250 press, and 270 clean and jerk.”

In any case, Scott is a guy who really found his niche by going through CF first. CF can be a gateway to lots of competitive endeavors, yet I still stand by the statement that hardly any people that “do CrossFit” put their necks out on the line to actually compete, and this is an integral part to the whole “70’s Big thing”. If you aren’t interested in powerlifting competitions, or you are unable to get into weightlifting, that is fine. But it is in your best interest to pick something, train for it, and compete in it. You’ll learn more about yourself than you would by just dicking around and hoping you’ll get good at something. Figure it out.

Scott educates the people about 70's Big



And, yes, that is a Hulkamaniac bandana



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70’s Big TSC

A lot of you are sacking up and competing in something this month. If you’re still on the fence, you are invited required to participate in the Tactical Strength Challenge this month.

The events are simple.

1. Max deadlift. You get three attempts to find your max pull. Do it meet-style. If you make an “AC-jump” between your first and second attempt, there is no going back.

2. Max pullups. Dead hangs. No chinning (palms must face away), and absolutely no kipping. Kippers will be shot, killed, and then banned from posting here.

3. 5 min Kettlebell snatch test. 24kg kettlebell. Unlike GS, you may set the weight down or switch hands as necessary.

That’s it, three events. Perform these in one session, and rest at least 15 minutes between each even (or more if you have time). Perform the TSC the last week of April and post your results on the last Saturday of April (I’ll make a weekend post for it). Good luck!

For more info, go here.
-Gant

Edit: After posting this part this morning, I got an email from Kettlebell Athletics about the kettlebell snatch. Jason is a good dude, and he puts out a nice newsletter. Today’s topic is how not to bang your wrist while doing KB snatches, a big problem with beginners. If you’re new to this exercise, check out this video and practice your technique before doing the TSC. I also recommend wearing wrist bands the first few times out.

The video is here.

Gary Gibson Update

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The following was written by Gary Gibson. Do a search if you’re interested in reading his past entries.

First Day at the Beach in a Long, Long Time

Some of you reading this have probably seen my very first post in these pages, which included a picture of me in my early teens (I appreciate the donations you then sent to my food fund). That picture was taken at New Smyrna Beach roughly 20 years ago. In fact it’s been damn near 20 years since I’d set a foot on the beach till yesterday. Got a little bit of sunburn (apparently my menalin levels only confer resistance–not invulnerability–to UV damage), but more germane to the readership of this site is that I was about 60 lbs heavier than the last time I bared my nearly nude body for such wide public viewing. Yesterday’s return to the beach also coincided with my crossing the 190-lb barrier on the scale for the first time.

Let me qualify this. All the many years I spent being disturbingly skinny, I was actually proud of my disturbing skinniness. I’d whooped with joy when I discovered “Muscle & Fitness” at the age of 15 because I’d found a magazine that celebrated the 90’s smallness into which I hoped to grow. I loved the fact that I had razor sharp abs, even if they came at the cost of emaciation. So even though I now care more performance than appearance, it was a little weird to have so many people see me with that much fat around my midsection. I’ve had time to get used to it when alone and nekkid, but that was the first time my powerlifter’s mono-ab and burgeoning love handles were on public display.

Very happy to report that I didn’t feel the urge to start a conditioning blitz to get “beach pretty”, that on balance I much preferred having the extra muscle and fat, and that I care far, far more about hitting a 500-lb squat at the Raw Nationals this summer than getting a narrower midsection.

Like I said, I just crossed that 190-lb barrier on the scale. I’m pretty confident I’ll cross the 200-lb threshold to male adulthood before the month is out. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll have to cut a little bit to compete in the 90 kg class in July. The cut may result in a tighter midsection after I’ve put on another ten pounds of muscle and I may even go back to the beach. This time, I’ll wear sunblock.

———-

It is important to note that Gary is not a novice, yet he is growing like one. He places performance ahead of appearance right now, and this is what a real athlete will do. Now, just because Gary perceives himself as fat does not actually mean he is (I’d personally like to see a picture of this new bodyweight, no homo, because I don’t trust a guy’s opinion on how fat he is when he’s been skinny his whole life, even if it is Gary Gibson), nor does it mean he is stuck with it.

This is called growing into a weight class, and Gary will get to the point where he will fill out his frame near the top end of whatever his desired weight class is. He will continue getting more muscle as he continues to get stronger, and he eventually will have to cut to lift in this weight class. Age, genetics, and a bunch of other shit will decide how lean he will be at his “walking weight” (the weight he will walk around at before he cuts to meet weight requirements), but he will undoubtedly be more muscular with less fat than he is now. And perhaps it will let him prowl the beach with his chin a bit higher.

The questionable picture of Gary that he references


Amarillo SC Powerlifting Meet

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My friends Ryan and Heidi at Amarillo Strength and Conditioning hosted their first powerlifting meet back on March 13th. If I recall correctly, they were looking to get the event sanctioned, but by doing so it would have delayed the date. They just wanted to have a competition, and they weren’t worried about it being officially official, at least this first time out.

They had 20 people participate and Neil Eddins, who holds some national Masters powerlifting records in NASA, stopped by to help out. The meet went well, and they had a lot of their lifters set PR’s, and they raised some money for the Rockwell Road Baptist Church Children’s Ministry.

I commend the Amarillo SC crew for having this meet for a few reasons. First, it got a lot of their lifters to lift in a meet environment. This is good for the lifter and coach, and everyone learns from doing it. The lifter learns all that stuff about themselves, the coach learns all kinds of stuff about handling lifters at the meet, and then the meet director learns about running a meet — all important things to learn if you’re going to be involved in this kind of stuff. Some of you may be thinking, “Well, it wasn’t sanctioned, so it doesn’t count, so what’s the point?” I think it’s good that they ran a meet once before they did it for real. This way they won’t screw up the official one, they’ll have the experience, and they will be ready for it. It was also a nice, harmless way to introduce their lifters into competition since they didn’t have to travel away from their own gym, and probably didn’t have to pay a bunch of money for something that they hadn’t done before.

In any case, everything went well, according to Ryan when we talked about it. I’ve never been to Amarillo SC, but Ryan frequents the comments and always has good things to say about their lifters. I will be visiting Amarillo SC on April 24th for the first 70’s Big Workshop (more on this tomorrow). Below are the top finishers in the two weight classes per gender (they had light and heavy weights) as well as a video compilation (Ryan apologizes for some sideways shots, it was his first video — oh and the high squats were red lighted, so don’t worry about bitching about them).

All results were determined with the Wilks Formula.’

Top 2 Lightweight Males (<185 lbs)
1. Brent Gunnels
BS of 375
BP of 330
DL of 450

2. Jason Rel
BS of 375
BP of 250
DL of 405.

Top 2 Lightweight Female (<145 lbs)

1. Heidi Coffman
BS of 200
BP of 130
DL of 260

2. Whitney Rel
BS of 175
BP of 95
DL of 200

Heavyweight Male Winners (>186 lbs)
1. Brent Story
BS of 500
BP of 340
DL of 500

2. Grayson Benson
BS of 385
BP 0f 275
DL of 470

Top 2 Female Heavy Weights (>146 lbs)
1. Tina Lucero
BS of 220
BP of 135
DL 0f 340

2. Lindsey Criswell
BS of 230
BP of 125
DL of 250

The Overall Winners were Brent Story and Tina Lucero


The Amateur

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“Mmmm…you smell like outside!”

Dang, some of you are too gullible. In fact, did you know gullible is not even in the dictionary? Look it up if you don’t believe me.

In any case, it’s PR Friday. Post your weight lifted, consumed, or gained, and also post all of the temperamental moments you had when someone pulled an April Fool’s joke on you.

———-

My friend Spencer Hall from SB Nation is known as “The Amateur”, the guy who can’t do anything as good as those who can. Well, recently he shot up to Charlotte to witness his first powerlifting meet. This was the “Battle of the Border” meet that AC competed in a few weekends ago. Spencer wrote an article for the SB Nation readers who are more than likely not familiar with powerlifting. He highlights AC quite a bit, and there’s a pretty funny video at the end. Even if he didn’t talk about my pal Ace, I still would enjoy this article — Spencer had me laughing my ass off. For example:

Unfortunately…a mustache [that Spencer is wearing] brands you as:

a.) A gregarious pedophile

b.) A new expat from the Middle East

c.) A misplaced fisherman

d.) Nick Offerman, also known as Ron Swanson on NBC’s hit sitcom Parks and Recreation

And here is an exchange between Spencer and AC:

I ask him how much his hair is worth on a lift.

“The hair? Oh, that’s ten pounds, easy.”

“The beard is five, right?”

“Definitely. And you have to wear the singlet. This one is my dad’s. His balls were in this singlet.”

He wears a look of pride on his face as he says this.

“Singlets are cool. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”



The article is very fucking funny, and Spencer has a nice little description of an outsider’s view of a powerlifting meet. We’ll probably hear from him again in the future.