Reader Submission: Marotta’s Alternative Religion

Today’s article was submitted by our neighbor to the north, Mark Marotta.  Mark’s accomplishments include holding some Canadian national records, coaching kids at his school, and not totalling at the Arnold. He enjoys trolling vegans, underground canadian hip-hop, and eating meat. 

Raise Your Ale Horn to the Sky

Toast it to Odin. For he is the one allows it to be full.

If you’ve eaten today, he is the one that allowed the quenching of your hunger.

Odin is the Norse God of War. He is not a kind God, but he is a fair God. If you wish to have any level of success in your quest for strength you must devote yourself to him. Strength is not something that can be bought with gold; if you wish to become a warrior you must show Odin that you are paying the Iron price. Rise with his steel bar on your back. Press it above your head. Pull it off the floor; let it forge you into the Viking warrior you wish to be. Weaklings are not allowed into Valhalla.

If you wish to be allowed to Valhalla you must prove to Odin that you will endure the beating the steel bar will give you; that the spoils of strength are worth the struggle against gravity. If you cannot fight the steel bar, you are not built to wield the axe, the sword, or the hammer in his war. If you can’t fight for Odin what good are you to him?

Men, how would you like to be known? As the so-called ‘modern-man’ who hires others to do his yard work? Who crafts neither steel nor wood? Or a warrior whose body is capable of turning any mountain set before him to rocks and dust?

Ladies, how would you like to been known? As the woman who needs a man to open large doors for her? Someone who feels threatened on dark streets? Or as the woman whose purse is safe from the scoundrels of the night, for they feel threatened by her proud march and confidence in her strength.

If you’re a skeptic I have proof that all strength is gained from Odin. His most famous son, Dan Green totalled 2160. Try to tell me that this is not an Odin fearing man you see:

It is even said that Jennifer Thompson bench presses the weight she does because she devoted her body and soul to Odin. If you speak to Odin, he will listen, not to your words, though. Odin knows the words of men are not worth the weight of the ink used to write them, you speak to Odin with your actions. You push yourself to your limits, he will make your body strong for it. You care for his land; he will provide you with its nourishment. You die fighting for him, he will collect your soul to his haven.

Poems have been written for Odin, read them to fuel your mind. Songs have been sung for him, play them loud while you train. Raise your mead to the sky before every meal and thank him. He gives you the flesh of beasts, feast upon it to absorb their strength and add it to your own.

Now go forth, and train for Odin, and he will be your guiding light in the darkest corners of hell.