Aaron is a PJ, or pararescue jumper, as well as a general badass. He’s already written a couple inspiring articles for us (Excuses? No. and Lessons From Lifting). In this one, perhaps his best yet, he has a call to arms. Are you ready to answer? Ladies and Not-so-Gentlemen, are you ready for some old-school 70sBig? – Cloud
Three years ago I was drawn to this site by the unapologetic, brash braggadocio only a true miscreant could love. Idolizing forgotten mastodons wearing short shorts and high socks. Celebrating facial hair and real meals, encouraging real men and women to be real men and women in a time of androgyny, man-scaping, skinny jeans, Twilight, and other things so horrible they shall go unmentioned. Like 50 Shades of Grey. Those things are not cool, bro, and like my personal heroes Michael Douglas, General Patton, Tyler Durden, Vlad the Impaler, the Techno Viking (that guy took ZERO shits), John W. Creasy, and Walter- this aggression will not stand, man.
In the movie “The Rock”, voted “the best movie of all time in the history of the world” by NATO and the Illuminati, it was said, “sometimes the tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patriots.” Well sometimes the tree of 70sBig must be replenished with the fuel of attitude, with the liquid reduction of our resolve. In the interest of re-focusing ourselves, I charge you to live your life a little more recklessly this next week. Just for a while, think to yourself, “What would Ricky Bruch do?” I assure you, that answer is almost always, “Get extra mayonnaise, lift some heavy shit like a damn boss, and proceed to not give a shit, two monkeys or a damn.” Would Ricky pass up an extra conditioning session? Absolutely not. Would Ricky pass up the 4th steak in 2 meals? Not up in here. Would Ricky wear long, pleated slacks and watch NASCAR drinking a light beer at a tofu tasting party, politely discussing HOA fees? I just got a phone call – the message was, “Ricky Bruch’s estate wants to kill your family for associating his name with that scenario.” It’s that serious.
“But Aaron! I am entrenched in the corporate world; I can’t go stomping around like a heathen, shirtless, scaring the villagers! Also, I don’t know any villagers and my shorts are of an acceptable length for ‘casual Friday’.” Well, first of all, that’s unacceptable. If you say “Casual Friday”, you better be ready for aviator shades and some damn boat shoes. If that’s not the case, it’s time to get your swole back. It’s time to remember who we all are, at our base. Boil us down to brass tacks, twisted steel and ball bearings, and we all realize several immutable, undeniable, irrefutable facts.
We are human. That makes us all physiologically the same, genetically capable of tasks very much the same. If you are reading this saying, “Well, X person is bigger, stronger, I don’t think that’s totally correct…” STOP IT. That’s half the problem. Who’s to say you can’t do anything you want? Me? You? Anyone? What if you just refused to believe impossible things, and simply did them? That wouldn’t make you a superhuman; it would simply mean you refuse to be limited. Do you really have limits? Do you think that’s air your breathing? That’s a Matrix reference. Keep up.
Slap anyone that uses the term “swag”, either ironically or seriously, right in the gob. They know better. Go to YouTube, and look up every video of Leonid Taranenko clean and jerking 266KG, then cook a damn steak and do some mobility. Disagree with someone. Seriously, get into an argument, and instead of worrying how their feelings will recover, wondering how you’ll be viewed, so on and so forth- just disagree. Tell someone they are wrong, and that you don’t agree with what they are saying, and that you won’t be wavering. If the term “agree to disagree” is uttered, wage total war and destroy the room. The world understands. That phrase is about 10% of the problem today. So help me Zeus, if anyone around you says “YOLO” and you do not immediately beat him or her to death, I will find your house and mail you a strongly worded letter.
Here is the hard truth- there are no trophies for 5th place, no consolation prize in real life. It does pay to be a winner, and too often in today’s environment it has become acceptable to trivialize a loss, to rationalize poor effort, to soften heartbreak. Well I am here to call bullshit. If you work hard, you get rewarded. If you don’t work hard, you lose, and you don’t get a prize for that. I don’t know when ‘Murica, – the home of first place, the inventor of competition for everything, the bastion of bacon-wrapped-filets and filet-wrapped-bacon-filled-deep-fried-chocolate-coated-turducken-sandwiches became OK with second place, but I am here to tell you it stops now, and it stops with each and every one of us. It starts with me, and it starts with you.
So this week, get up early. Stop making excuses for yourself, and stop taking excuses from others. Get to work early. Put out as a friend, spouse, significant other, parent, older sibling, citizen, WHATEVER. Stop living your life only to keep breathing and start attacking it. Look for every excuse to get better, and get nasty about it. Are you a lady that wants to get “more toned” and look “better this summer?” Get your lady parts underneath a damn bar and do something about it right the hell now. The world is, quite frankly, not ready for that jelly, and I want more ladies bootyliscious when the sun shines bright and hot in 3 months. Are you a fella that can grow a sweet ass beard, or at least a somewhat child molestor-ish mustache, yet shave every day? By the light in Kate Upton’s eyes, grow that damn facial hair, and do it while you grill some meat and write out your week of programming. Is there a charity, a group, or an organization that is worthy of your time that you haven’t volunteered for? What are you, some sort of sissy? How about you do the right thing and donate some time to something bigger than yourself.
Look into her eyes!
If you haven’t torn up in the gym, so motivated that you wanted to literally explode into a ball of flame, or flipped a table in public only to be applauded for your gusto, or uppercut a punkass into a bowl of punch at a high school dance lately – well, dammit, now is the time (editor’s note, please avoid high school dances, thank you).
Now is the time we take back that attitude, and seize life by the horns/balls/ovaries. The part you grab isn’t important, the fact remains that we must grab that part by force. It’s time to get that 70s Big attitude back. And the time starts now.
Tonight, I intend to PR. And then eat a McGangBang, in memory of the 70’s Big food FAQ.
Long time UK reader, first time post. This was an awesome read. Will be squatting myself silly tonight, followed up with a meal so large that the baby Jesus will weep.
About 98% of America lives their lives opposite of this rant.
And it drives me insane.
So much “woe is fucking me” out there.
People actually say with a straight face they don’t have time to eat right and train…I am married, work full time, am currently going to grad school to get a masters in geophysics, live over an hour from both my office and school during rush hour, have two kids under 3 years old, a dog, and still train EVERY SINGLE MORNING before work. I just did my first triathlon two weeks ago, and am doing my first strongman competition in June.
Every person who’s told me they don’t have time to eat right and train hard has also, without fail, watched upward of 20 hours a week of television.
I watch around 3 hours total during the work week, and that is usually split between Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond.
This! Even crowds that shouldn’t perpetuate this bullshit told me I’d pack on the weight and get weak when I had a kid..my swat buddies were warning me of this shit.. really? Four months into my first kiddo and ivd lost weight and still PR my bench yesterday.
Great rant! I haven’t posted here in a long time. A friend at the gym challenged me to do King Kong today and I was wavering being that I only ‘Oly” lift and haven’t dead lifted in a long time. Fuck that shit. I am going to kill that mother today!
“BY THE LIGHT OF KATE UPTONS EYES!”
YUUUUUSSsssssssssssssssssssssss
I walnut fail.
This is fucking amazing. About time someone said it.
The picture of Kate Upton is far, far too small.
And listen to a Dutch, Viking Metal band sing about riding a mastodon and cooking soup over an open volcano!
I needed a new metal band. Excellent addition. Thank you sir, and I shall see you in Valhalla.
http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss303/lignumlitalis/Bruch_zps365156e7.gif
This.
No excuses take some responsibilty for yourself and your actions. As a father of three i love this speech.
This post reminded me why I drink my coffee black and my whiskey straight.
My gonads swole to Biblical proportions after reading; well said.
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
Return to form.
Only an American would quote a film over the actual original phrase maker and founding father of his own country. Thomas Jefferson.
Only a Brit would ignore the point of the whole post to quibble over one line.
What? We like our history!
Good. Day. SIR.
HE SAID GOOD DAY!
Intellectual apathy is the scurvy of this land made worse by those who would use their glutes for brains.
Squat. 365×10. Easy
Ribs, chicken wings, beer
While I appreciate the sentiment of the post, most people posting here probably have office jobs and relatively cushy existences (myself very much included). Nothing makes me LOL more uncontrollably than desk jockeys lamenting the “pussification” of society. It is a form of inverted hipsterism, only even more ridiculous IMO.
“Train with the bone-crushing intensity of Vikings until the earth trembles at our feet and eat the bloody carcasses of mammals”; not really, brah, you work in Human Resources. Tone it down a smidgen?
(Not aimed at the OP, obviously, merely a general observation.)
The article does say that we could go about applying a bit more Viking spirit into our working week, but generally speaking its this kind of attitude among the readers of this site that draw us here. Its how we apply ourselves outside of this environment that sets us apart from the crowd. Whilst I’m not one for dripping a bloody carcass on the office table whilst I’m there, once gym time comes I finish my black coffee, plug in my headphones and get into the zone. Then I go and lift heavy shit, eat a huge meal and feel much better. If anything, the ‘bone-crushing intensity of Vikings until the earth trembles at our feet and eat the bloody carcasses of mammals’ is the necessary antidote to the mind numbing drag of office life. Thinking like that gets me pumped up, keeps me motivated – its that intensity we should be taking into our workouts, into our free time.
The author of this post literally jumps out of fucking planes to save people’s lives. I think he has a leg to stand on here.
Toning it down a smidgen is part of the problem, not part of the solution. Crank it to 11. Have fun with it. You’ll be a better person.
Side question: Am I the only white male here that doesn’t give a sweet fuck about Vikings? Pasty blonde dudes rowing oar ships to go attack Irish monks? Really?
The warriors of the Iroquois, Cherokee and Sioux inspire me a whole lot more. After all, they were jacked AND tan.
I realize that I’ll be excluded from Valhalla for this outburst. That, and I fucked Odin’s wife.
Yeah, but they couldn’t handle their liquor.
Or their smallpox
Or moving to Oklahoma
they (native americans) created lacrosse/baggataway/tewaaraton so they’s good in my book
No Indian (dot or feather) Metal but there IS Viking Metal.
Q.E.D.
I’m 106.4% on board with Native American badasses.
Fucking A.
Pingback: PR Friday, 29 March 2013 | 70's Big
this may be my favorite article I’ve ever seen on here.
I think I love you a little bit for this post. My lady parts & I will be under a bar after work. Which is where they usually are but this blog will be filed in “in case I feel like a lazy ass, please recall”.
I love you a little also.
Pingback: 70′s Big Attitude | CrossFit Locus
Pingback: Thursday 04.04.13 | CF Junction – Weightlifting
Pingback: » Workout Saturday January 11th, 2014