How To Press Your Girlfriend…

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How To Press Your Girlfriend…and other pressable beings

Many readers stop me on the streets (because I’m just always walking on the streets…and these streets are all full of people that not only recognize me, but they also come up to me and talk to me in wonder) and say, “How do you do it? You press girls overhead like fine wine.” And I get confused and say, “That doesn’t really make any sense.” In any case, I’m kind of an expert. Why? Well, last I checked, I’m the only one here who has pressed an Olympian:



In any case, this is a simple step-by-step guide to pressing your girlfriend overhead. First, you need to size your girlfriend up…without her knowing. If you attempt to press her and fail, this makes you an asshole. Not only are you a blatant weakling, but you make her look like a behemoth. She will be nothing if not pissed.

I want to take this opportunity to point out that “pressing your girlfriend” means lifting her from under her armpits; not this silly overhead squatting shit. If you put your girlfriend overhead and squat her, that means that you guys had to discuss the plans, and then execute. Planning is the opposite of spontaneity, and you aren’t going to impress anyone — her or me — by planning it out like a loser.

After sizing your lady up, you’ll have to determine if you can do a solid press, of if you’ll need to add in a little dip-drive. The dip-drive has a push-press element that can help you get out of the bottom position; this is necessary if A) she actually is a behemoth, B) you are weak, C) you are foreign to pressing women, or D) when you touch a women, you get a funny feeling in your pants and forget how to press.

In the video above, you can see that Eva is short. This means I had to initiate the press with a curl to get her in a proper press position. Remember that pressing mechanics will be most efficient if the load is over the glenoid (the shoulder joint), so getting your load over that point as quick as possible will make the press easier. The easier the press, the less likely you are to look like a poon. If you are unable to strict curl your lady (and unable to just get stronger before the next attempt), then perform a quick dip drive to initiate the movement. Regardless of how you initiate the movement — stict curl or dip drive — you may need to follow up with a proper lean back.

Leaning back may be necessary if you’re A) weak or B) stupid. Being weak means that you just can’t drive the lady up. Being stupid means that you leave her center of mass out in front of your shoulder joint, and thus creating a mechanical disadvantage. If you do this more than once, then inform your mate that the relationship probably won’t work out anyway, and you’re both better off not having a chance of reproducing. Leaning back to improve efficiency should be innate, but so should not getting addicted to drugs or agreeing its logical for an overly fat person to pay for more than one airplane seat — we have to account for people who ruin it for the rest of us. If you experience trouble mid press, then lean back to gain control of her center of mass.

Speaking of “center of mass”, don’t use this phrase to reference her. Implying she has mass will not go over well (even if it’s true). This is a good opportunity to point out the exceptional proximity of pressing a woman; your bodies will be in contact and her bell will be in your face at lockout. This can be a good development in your relationship unless she has an overbearing FUPA. Beware of the FUPA (or sandwiches hidden within). Hopefully you took care to account for this when you sized her up.

If you don’t succeed on your first press attempt, quickly try again without discussing it. If you talk about it you’ll just make it awkward. She’ll start getting all self conscious about her weight or her FUPA, and that’s not good for business. Simply re-arrange your grip, and power her up. If you fail, set her down, and try and explain what you were doing, then you’re like that kid toeing the dirt in an arc while he sheepishly looks to the side; a shy fucking idiot. Don’t be weird about it, just press her overhead. It really isn’t that hard. Christ, how did I write over 770 words about it already? Just put her overhead. If you’ve been lifting weights then it’s a non-issue anyway. After it’s over, she’ll think you are a king fit to rule vikings.

One last thing; don’t hold the lockout. This isn’t the time to imitate Pyyros Dimas because it’ll hurt your lady’s arm pits. Speaking of arm pits, this is the location that you would press a dog from as well. Do NOT lift a dog by their belly. It will hurt and disgruntle them. No dog should be disgruntled. I took a short break from typing this article to exhibit how to lift and press a dog without injuring them. As you can see, Leda was delighted.


59 thoughts on “How To Press Your Girlfriend…”

  1. One comment, and one question…

    Comment: Your dog needs to pack on at least 10-15 lbs.

    Question: I intend to approach random attractive women on the street and Press them. If one of the women threatens me with a lawsuit, will 70’s Big provide me with a lawyer (preferably Chris) who will intimidate the judge into acquitting me, or one who will troll the judge sufficiently (this would be Brent’s department) that the case finally gets thrown out due to a mutual jury migraine?

    Leda is at a comfortable 60 pounds. She has excellent sprinting and agility capabilities.

    –Justin

  2. Pressing ladies is a sport. Pressing charges is not a sport.

    Loved it, Justin. Every bit of it.

    The ceiling fan disclaimer is about the only thing missing. Not only will she get thumped in the head, but the three inches of “bachelor scuzz” that has built up on top of the blades will rain down on both of you.

    This is also a great way to help your woman reach things on the top shelf.

  4. My girlfriend won’t consent to being pressed despite my attempts to convince. It may have to happen on accident some day.(as MKingW said “This is also a great way to help your woman reach things on the top shelf”).

    On the other hand, I do regularly one arm press my 10 year old nephew. The family gets a kick out of that.

  5. Goddamn you, Justin Lascek.

    On one of the rare occasions I make a totally hilarious (slightly biased) comment, you go and write a completely unexpected new friggin’ post to supersede the post on which the aforementioned totally hilarious comment was made!

    Well, if you think I’m gonna let that slide, you’ve got another thing coming. A bigger man would shrug it off, but I am not Brent Fucking Kim. So, he said:

    StillGrowing:
    “I vote that we strip the title of “The Situation” from douchey’s abs, and give it to Brent’s traps.”

    And then she said, I mean, i said:
    “More like, “The Situ-Asian”.”

    Buh-dub chisss! Oh man, was that sweet or what?! Checkmate, Lascek.

    Oh, PS. Good gf pressing tutorial!

  6. The mechanics would be a little different if you were pressing a greatly pregnant lady overhead (wife, girlfriend, not stranger). Better idea, don’t mess with pregnant ladies. They are crazy in the head.

    And Zac, use stealth to press the girlfriend. Initiate a hug and then as you withdraw commence the press. It will be over before you know it (the press not your relationship).

  8. This is fantastic. Last week I pressed 140 for sets for the first time, which happens to be my girlfriend’s weight and so anturally when I got home propositioned her to let me press her for a quick single. She said no, too scary. Prior to that I’d been trying to get her in a fireman carry so I can do a 20-rep squat set. Also too scary for her. Now I know the key is to not discuss it, just do it. I’d been thinking about it ever since I saw the video of this guy who really knows how to pick up chicks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDQUlshxO_8

  11. Justin,
    Great post.

    Also, I watched Little Britain S1 via Netflix instant and was disappointed – a lot of the recurring characters (e.g. video store guy, cross-dressers) were just not funny.

    Should I stick with it for another season? It seemed like S2 had most of the same characters/skits.

    I nostalgically like Little Britain series 1, but it is not the best. When you learn the characters, it makes you enjoy them more. I’ll admit that I don’t like certain characters, or certain characters had to grow on me. Margerie from the “Fat Fighters” skit is not fun to watch, but I like to quote her, and Matt Lucas does a scary-good job at performing a role as a woman. David Walliams too; both of these guys are outstanding actors.

    I hate the character Vicky Pollard, but that’s why I don’t mind watching her. My girlfriend gets a laugh at how Vicky disgusts me, while I get a laugh at how other characters disgust her.

    The skits do relive some of the same jokes. One of my favorites is Mr. Mann (not in series 1). I don’t like Kenny Craig, the hypnotist, though.

    Series 2 is required if series 3 will be funny. It isn’t a requisite, but it helps to be familiar and like or dislike the characters. I think part of the fun is disliking some of them, because even if you hate them, they are still well-acted roles.

    With all that being said, Little Britain USA may be more of your cup of tea. This was broadcast on HBO and one of the BBC channels that allows a little more crudeness (I think). They take some jokes REALLY far, are more crude, and in some cases humorously disgusting. It may appeal to an American audience a little better.

    But, if you just don’t like British humor (although I wouldn’t say it’s classic British humor), then I can’t really help you.

    –Justin

  12. PRs:
    Squat: 315 3×5
    Deadlift: 360 x 5
    Bench: 260 3×5
    Row: 175 3×5
    Weighted Chins: 30 lbs 7, 6, 5

    Started doing GOMAD again Thursday. I’ll keep it up for two weeks and see if I’m at 200 lbs. I’m currently 192 at 5’9″

  15. I seem to recall that the last time you posted the vid of you pressing Eva T it was in response to someone who tried to press his lady horizontally (like a barbell) and dropped her.

    Guys, don’t do that. Even if you are strong enough to do it, if you drop your lady, you may hurt her. Hurting ladies isn’t 70s big.

  17. So I was doing a little reading about my Redskins due to the impending return of the Sex Cannon Rex Grossman (http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/11/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield.html for more info) and came across a blog post about Skins safety Laron Landry.

    The author says Landry is too big and strong to play football and his new muscles have caused his current injury. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/community/groups/index.html?plckForumPage=ForumDiscussion&plckDiscussionId=Cat%3aa70e3396-6663-4a8d-ba19-e44939d3c44fForum%3a287148f9-2a17-42f1-bff5-844a5a09f2d3Discussion%3a929f553d-c31d-48cd-8a54-5cabd817b4f7
    for the post. Thoughts?

  18. PR: Front Squatted ~300lbs (135kg) on Saturday.

    I think Brent might have bigger traps than Justin btw.

    In my defense, it isn’t a good angle. That and you probably couldn’t see them behind my delts.

    –Justin

  19. I have on occasion enjoyed one-arm pressing and curling my 6 year old cousin. Just grab him by the ankle with one hand and up he goes. He loves it and I love it.

    One thing to think about when overhead pressing a women is ceiling height. I made the mistake once of forgetting that I was in a room with 7.5 foot ceilings. Not good for her or me.

    Good call. I almost pressed my dog into the fan in that video.

    –Justin

  21. Pingback: Tweets that mention » How To Press Your Girlfriend… -- Topsy.com

  24. What is a good guideline for the increased difficulty of pressing a girl vs pressing a barbell?

    My 1 rep max on overhead press is 185 (I just started overhead pressing 3 or so months ago). Does that set me for 130 lbs girl or is the increased difficulty higher than that?

    Huh?

    –Justin

  26. Press PR: met a cute girl at a thanksgiving party. She was a skinny vegetarian but otherwise very attractive. After dinner we went for a walk around the neighborhood. Exercise came up and she asked me what was the point of being strong when my occupation had nothing to do with strength. I said,” so I can do things like this” and pressed her waify frame overhead. I put her down, she laughed, and a make-out session ensued. Boom. Turns out strength is useful.

    This.

    –Justin

  30. i, too, would be completely unimpressed by a vegetarian irregardless of how pretty she was

    i am pretty impressed with your general prelude to laying pipe though

    Christ, Brent. You’re relentless.

    –Justin

  32. MON: 12/13
    Deadlift, 70%, 3@325, 80%, 3@370, 90%, 3@420+7
    Cable Rows 5×10@220,
    Narrow Pulldowns, 5×10@205

    WED: 12/15
    Bench, 70%, 3@205, 80%, 3@230, 85%, 3@260+9, DB Bench, 5×10@100,
    Dips 5×10@35

    THU: 12/16
    Squat, 70%, 3@295, 80%, 3@335, 90%, 3@370+8, Front Squat 5×9@235,
    Lunges, 5×10@100

    FRI: 12/17
    Press 215x.90=195, 70%, 3@135, 80%, 3@155, 90%, 3@175+7,
    DB Press, 5×10@70
    Shrugs 3×10@120

  37. Squat 3 x 5 x 189 lbs

    After my epic fail at 190 lbs last Friday, I decided that going up by 5 lbs a workout was no longer a good idea. So, I switched to 2 lb increases and hit sets at 187 and 189 this week. I am much happier when I don’t miss reps, and really, the universe needs me to be happy.

    My Oly coach also switched me from the Sandusky beginner template to the Pendlay beginner template this week. This makes me happy because I get to do 10 x 1 sets. I hate the fucking clean/snatch pulls, but they probably won’t kill me. I did my cleans at 10 x 1 x 130 lbs, which was the perfect weight to start with. I also managed to hit all 10 snatches, which was glorious and unprecedented. I am curious to see how the new template affects my squats. My front squats on Wednesday were less than stellar because the 10 x 1 clean/snatch sets are a lot heavier than what I was doing, which was not being allowed to put any fucking weight on the bar. So, I’m hoping I can manage the new Oly template and recover to keep my current squat schedule.

    I haven’t weighed myself in a few days, but my boobs are definitely bigger.

    F/35/5’8/151 lbs

  38. Between getting sick mid-week and an arm injury, I didn’t get much accomplished this week.

    5RM PRs @ 180lbs bw
    ——————-
    Squat – 270
    Bench – 225
    Press – 135
    Front Squat – 220

  39. Competed in my first powerlifting meet this past Sunday. Came in dead last, but that’s alright. It was my first full meet. To all who have not competed yet, DO IT! You will not regret it. There were so many “lessons learned” from this experience it’s unbelievable. Your training will thank you for it.

    Squat
    Attempt 1 = 365
    Attempt 2 = 380 PR
    Attempt 3 = 395 PR

    Bench Press
    Attempt 1 = 265
    Attempt 2 = 280 Tied PR
    Attempt 3 = 300 PR

    Deadlift
    Attempt 1 = 385
    Attempt 2 = 405 PR with Double-Overhand Grip
    Attempt 3 = 435 PR with Double-Overhand Grip

    Total = 1130
    Placing = Last.

    Can’t wait until May. Some folks have crosshairs on them and they don’t even know it.

  40. I’ve been reading this site since the beginning, but this post tackles an issue that is so important to me that I actually registered to comment on it. Guys, everyone should be able to pick up their own girlfriend. If you can’t, then you either need turn in your man card, or you like big chicks. In case of the latter, you should still be strong enough to pick her up, which will also be impressive since she’s a heffer.

    Every girl wants to feel like they are a delicate little thing. There are only 3 things certain in life: Death, taxes, and that all women like to be thrown around.

  41. @shinerbox97

    Nice lifts, mate! Way to go 9/9 in your first meet and some decent PRs to boot. I’ve got my eye on a meet next March to pop my competition cherry.

    PRs
    SQ – 3x5x97.5kg (215lb) Will finally break into the hundreds (kg) on Monday!
    PC – 3x5x42.5kg (93.7lb) Only done power cleans a few times, but i like them so far.
    DL – 1x5x115kg (253.5lb) Went up pretty easy.

  43. Weigh-in fail. I was only 149.5 lbs not 151 lbs this morning, despite my bigger boobs.

    I should note that I did a 30 lb weighted chin-up this week, which I know is a PR because I’ve never tried to do a max weighted chin-up. And, it is a hilarious PR considering that I stopped doing chin-ups for 5 months and got fat. So, I’ma challenge all the skinny girls out there to get some chin-ups. And, don’t fucking kip them. Kipping is for pussies.

  45. That for this Justin.

    I have been requesting it a lot.

    How much were you barbell pressing when you pressed Eva T?

    I suspect you need to have a stronger bb press in order to press awkward sized object overhead.

  46. Randle Yeah that’s basically exactly what I asked too.

    It would be nice if Justin could provide some sort of rule of thumb for over head press conversion to girl press.

    Like .75*OHP MAX = GIRL MAX

  48. Worked up to a 525lb box squat then did a back off set of 18 @405lbs.

    I haven’t been able to do a regular back squat for a couple of months. Even with an empty bar I get a pain in my right hip flexor that is so bad it becomes hard to walk for a few hours. I can box squat (very wide stance) and front squat with no problems whatsoever. I plan to seek professional help soon to get it fixed.

  49. @TBone
    Bigger boobs and dissing kipping – awesome!

    @BigGayBob
    I have a similar problem, it felt like I was getting stabbed in the hip going through 1/4 depth. Friday was the first time in weeks that I was able to squat painfree (without aspirin). Stretching the flexors and the adductors helped me a lot.

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