Beard of the Day
Tyler Mane as Ajax in the movie Troy
Thanks to Christian S. for the submission
WARNING
70’s Big may cause adverse effects in your life by changing your physique and/or mentality. Take careful note of these possibilities and verify that you are prepared for such changes.
Abnormal Increases In Size
Beginning a proper quest to 70’s Big will result in exceptional increases in muscular development. This may cause problems if you are A) emo, B) attend art school, or C) live in California or Europe. Expect the following:
– you will fill out your 70’s Big shirts
– your pants will no longer fit
– there is a 50% chance that your clothing will rip and fall right off of your body in fear
– your underwear/spandex will become uncomfortable unless you upgrade
– if you wear swim trunks with the netting on the inside, it will wedge up your butt crack because you’ll have amazing glutes (if I do say so myself)
– dress shirts will not fit around your neck, even if you get fitted for a tux/suit for the specific reason of having it fit (he even measured my neck, wtf?)
Uncomfortable Gains In Strength
Your abnormal size gains express an uncomfortable (dare I say uncanny?) increase in strength. Take caution with your daily activities as they are now a smaller percentage of your absolute strength. Beware of the following:
– hug your lady carefully lest you suffocate her (don’t be Lennie Small)
– avoid fine China
– exhibit caution when pretending to be a zombie in order to show your friends what it would be like to be attacked by an intense zombie…who lifts weights…
– consider projectile motion trajectory when tossing children in the pool; anything other than a resultant vector in the vertical direction could land the child on the roof, a busy highway, or a grizzly bear den
– ready yourself for accusations of steroids or alien anal probing, for it is unnatural to the average person that you have doubled your squat and gained 25 pounds of muscle in a couple of months
Stark Changes In Personality
With this size and strength you will be overcome with a sense of honor and pride that throws itself intensely into tasks of self betterment. You will find yourself:
– knocking down personal goals
– ready to take on the trials of life
– and doing so with an intensity and focus that ripples the earth to its iron-nickel alloy core
Heed this warning; 70’s Big is a process that results in unfathomable changes.
Funny post. I was a skinny guy for a very long time so now it’s very weird to have people comment on how big I am. I haven’t seen my wife in 8 months and that was 40 lbs ago. Can’t wait to see her face.
You did not mention increased proprioreception; I have become significantly less clumsy since beginning training.
Also be aware of the new dangers in playing racquetball. Now instead of having 170 lbs accelerated into the wall, I now have 210 lbs that got hurled at the wall even harder and faster. On the upside the balls hitting the glutes are not nearly as painful.
I’ve broken three chairs during my pursuit of becoming 70’s big. I’m just happy I have a new way to weed out such weakness from my life.
hilarious. i hugged a woman and she did call me Lennie for my strength. later we engaged in coitus.
relevant – http://articles.elitefts.com/articles/nutrition/jack-up-your-testosterone/
You should also warn any 90s-small boys you associate with that they may not be ready for manly tasks. Carrying heavy objects with apparent ease may cause said boys to foolishly attempt to do the same (often with help from a fellow 90s-small boy) and fail, sometimes catastrophically.
I’ve seen this recently when moving some heavy concrete statuary. It isn’t pretty watching yard art overcome a pair of fauxhawk-wearing 30-year-old man-children.
I broke our bed the other month…not from sexual exercises, just from laying down. Cracked that Ikea bed in half!
Awesome post!
Finally went and got a Body Comp Done this past week. I’ve put on 30 lbs of lean body mass since I started training two years ago. Ironically, I also weight 30 lbs less, but I’m still an adult male, goshdarnit!
I look forward to the problems caused by 70s Bigness in California.
– ready yourself for accusations of steroids or alien anal probing, for it is unnatural to the average person that you have doubled your squat and gained 25 pounds of muscle in a couple of months
This is no joke lol, I used to play soccer and now when i meet up with old soccer friends they all accuse me of steroids.
Lol I can totally relate to the steroids accusations. I always tell them just to lift big, eat big, but they don’t listen.
You also forgot to mention:
1. You will no longer need to bring extra padding to coshion your butt on the hard bleachers at sporting events. Thanks, giant glutes!
2. At first you won’t realize your physical changes, and attempts to joyfully play with small children or pets will be met with screams of terror and fleeing.
There are a few of us holding it down for California. Just saying.
Sticking out like a sore thumb in California……
C. California…
That must be what happened to my brother. Before moving there he was 220-ish now has become 180 by choice.
:(
Oh, no offense to the other California guys…Nice work guys!
Anyone else notice that on their journey to an adult male the amount of eligible women increase linearly with weight and strength gains?
“Ole Rip also knows that women don’t really care about abs. They care about Other Things.”
so very true!
becoming 70s big does create some dangerous situations…cougars are prone to attacking, and smacking the glutes of young 70s big men.
for myself the incidence of glute smacking in bars has gone up infinitely since becoming an adult male
Being 70s Big is even more perilous overseas, especially Asia. The young, nubile Asian women love a 70s Big man like no other…
It would be really awesome if I were single. Just sayin’…
In all seriousness, I’ve gotten pretty fucking gassy on my way to 70sbig. It kinda sucks.
Totally worth it though.
Sounds like a milk issue. Eventually you’ll ween off.
–Justin
Living in CA, I refuse to be 90s small. Im 275lbs of Adult Male and proud of it!
Cant wait for these affects to begin. Wearing a 30 x 32 size jean right now. yes, you read right. my waist is smaller than my length. Legs are 20 inches. I wear multiple layers of clothing to look average.
I..AM 90s Small, and I have a problem.
“your underwear/spandex will become uncomfortable unless you upgrade”
No joke. I destroyed a pair of underwear tonight deadlifting; nearly ripped them in half, seriously.
Relevant to this post is one of the PRs I listed on Friday…can no longer fit into two pairs of boxers.
It’s funny this was posted today.
This morning I noticed that my weight has not changed, but none of my shirts fit.
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Rep’ing Europe here…
Since stacking on 20lbs I now have major problems finding trousers/jeans that fit. My waist is still 30″ but my gigantic butt doesn’t fit into anything. Last pair of jeans I bought were labelled “oversize” and I can just squeeze into them. It’s a hard and lonely road to follow.
Your colleagues will constantly hassle you about your incredible food intake at lunch time because it’s “going to make you fat,” and then insist that you move any box weighing over 10 pounds.
I watched the newish version of Robin Hood last weekend. Lots of badass beards in that movie
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm761761024/tt0955308
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm744983808/tt0955308
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3997535744/tt0955308
Also, not exactly a full beard, but since I’ve got a dvd where he starts a song by saying “So…I heard you guys wanted to hear some heavy shit….I said I heard you guys want to hear some heavy shit! Do you want some heavy shit?! DO YOU WANT HEAVY?!!!!!!!!!!”
Yes, we want heavy!
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/00980/metallica-460_980410c.jpg
You can also prevent yourself from being this guy
AJ – Cougars love cats
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