Don’t Be A Skinny Guy – 101

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“I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but unicorns are kick ass!”

Skinny Guy, I want you to know that I care. I pity you.

I pity your cute little legs and your hunched shoulders. You hunch them so that you can flex your trunk easier in order to continuously flex your abs. A whimsical breeze could hit you at an angle that would knock your shirt clean off! If you can’t dazzle them with size, then cut their pupils with your 1280×1024 resolution abs.

Alas! Your abominable abdominals don’t have much utility outside of a non-hetero vampire movie. But don’t worry, Uncle Justin wants what’s best for you. I want you to be strong so that if when the inevitable zombie outbreak or nuclear holocaust occurs (whichever comes first), then you’ll be of some use to the rest of us.

“How can I do it? I have gone so many years without consuming a solid meal that I don’t know where to begin!” I hear your plight, Skinny Guy. Luckily, mainstream media is here to the rescue. They took time out of their busy schedule of updating us on American Idol and verbally performing fellatio on the head of the state to teach Skinny Guy what to eat.

The bun-free (“so meaty, there’s no room”) sandwich features two pieces of bacon, two slices of melted cheese and “Colonel’s Sauce” – which KFC officials said is a “zesty mayonnaise” — slathered between two chicken filets, either original recipe (540 calories and 32 fat grams per KFC.com) or the slightly slimmer grilled version (460 calories and 23 fat grams).

KFC Doubledown

Look at that, Skinny Guy. This is your density! Or something…

I especially like how the Chicken Ranch Taco Salad at Taco Bell weighs in at 910 calories and is apparently the second most caloric item on the menu. I also love how all of the blogs around the country are flipping their shit over this, as if caloric food is something new. The stupid-ass Huffington Post says they are “going too far” (Fun Fact of the Day: The Huffington Post linked to 70’s Big at the end of last year…well, okay, someone in the comments linked to us, but I found it amusing nonetheless). Everyone will try to shame the KFC, but I will stand against convention and tyranny and say, “Thank you, KFC, for caring about all of the Skinny Guys out there. You make my job easier.”

79 thoughts on “Don’t Be A Skinny Guy – 101”

  1. damn my destiny awaits.

    im gonna slay these kfc jawns them when they come out.

    for now though, i’ll stick to half a jar of peanut butter blended with milk. an excess caloric dream

  2. Most chicks seem to love the 90’s small look. 70’s big will only impress other man. So, what is the point? I’m assuming nobody really cares about zombie outbreaks or nuclear holocausts

    This is an ill-informed statement.

    –Justin

  3. Omaha was the test market for the KFC Doubledown and guys…it’s absolutely amazing!

    Just don’t expect to eat it in the car, it has next-to-zero sandwich-structural integrity. And remember to thank hefty, hungry, Husker fans for making it a success.

    YOU’RE WELCOME!!!

  5. Since the Shaman knows what most chicks want, I think the Shaman should write a book about it. That or start editing for Cosmo.

    I second this.

    –Justin

  6. Shaman, I believe you’re confusing girls with women, girls like people they can relate to, therefore they think emaciated, functioning bulumic, effeminate skinny dudes will be sensitive and listen to their drama problems in their high school classes.

    Women prefer men, and men are the opposite of women, big, strong, eat heavy, train heavy, oceans of testosterone coursing through their veins, slitting throats overseas for the good of America type dudes.

    If, based on the above information, you prefer to resemble the former, I humbly advise you to off yourself, and spare your children the shame of being similarly useless.

    It is late, I am angry, and I like it.

    LaHabra’s recommendation also can be applied to you, you silly, short-torsoed lecher. Give me a sitrep on your ankle and hip flexor via text massage.

    –Justin

  7. God what a load of crap. Somewhere down at #49 or #61 on a decent woman’s list of priorities is whether you “train heavy.” There is nothing inherently more useful about a big strong guy, just like there is nothing inherently more useful about a smaller, more conditioned guy. It all depends on the task at hand. If your task is too get laid, look at your personality, your confidence, your money (sad but true), your connections and your outlook on life – then get in shape.

    For the record, most of the guys “slitting throats overseas” aren’t 70s big and it would be a liability if they were.

    1. Why does this shit always turn into what a woman wants? I don’t remember saying anything about that, nor have I ever claimed to know what a woman wants either way.

    2. There are multiple special forces branches, including the ones “slitting throats overseas” that read this website and wear 70’s Big t-shirts. They are not 240 pound behemoths, yet they aim to get stronger to make their task easier.

    Quit making silly assumptions and ligthen the fuck up. Sheesh.

    –Justin

  9. Mr and Mrs Man (Free and Sha Man), please keep the bullshit out of here. Don’t get butt hurt, get the sand out of your vagina, or whatever.

    Stop being skinny.

    I want to take this opportunity to remind you all that if someone comes on here with an opposing view, I don’t want a flame war to begin. We can do without the portion of your post I put a line through. Things can be irritating, but I don’t want to emulate those communities.

    –Justin

  10. On a side note, I’m fucking pissed they’re not offering this in the UK.

    angry face —> (>.<)

    So I'm just going to go and order as many KFC chicken/bacon burgers as it takes to make my own. Does KFC have the same pledge as Burger King to, "Make it My Way"?

    I'll find out.

  13. That sandwich is amazing. Too bad I can’t get it here in Guantanamo Bay.

    “verbally performing fellatio on the head of the state”–classic.

  14. I knew the KFC Doubledown was going to make an appearance here on 70sBig.com. I love it. The Doubledown is the standard by which all other sandwiches will be now be judged. I have long been making my hamburgers with two huge patties on the outside as then stuffing the middle with cheese, bacon, and all sorts of other goodness.

    But Justin lets be fair…skinny guys will serve a purpose during the zombie attacks…we will be using them as zombie bait and to shield ourselves from the zombies.

    Also, @Freeman, unfortunately you are correct, “most of the guys ‘slitting throats overseas’ aren’t 70s big.” However, that is the liability. There is a very significant portion of our soldiers who are realizing the need to be strong, more than they need to be anything else. Being strong does not equate to being 250+ lbs, slow and immobile. I know some strong & mighty soldiers who weigh 200 lbs, some significantly more and some a little less, but they all train to get stronger…not to improve their 5 mile time. If all our soldiers we stronger, I really can’t see how that would be a liability.

  15. I would vote that the theme song from Orgazmo, “Now You’re a Man” be the official 70’s Big theme song. A sample lyric:
    What makes a man
    Is it the woman in his arms
    Just cuz’ she has big titties
    Or is it the way
    He fights everyday
    No, it’s probably the titties

  16. Edward hit the nail on the head.
    The ability to run long distances, or the idea that soldiers need to be endurance athletes is a flawed one. Because none of that ability translates over very well when given 130 pounds of gear to carry. (That is not an exaggeration. At the time I weighed 200 pounds and had to weigh myself in all my gear when they were figuring out the loads before air assault missions in helicopters. I weighed 330 pounds in my full kit.) So no, none of us were “70’s Big”, but those of us that were worth a shit blew off the PT Test and spent our free time getting stronger. The 150 pounders who could max out the PT test with half push ups, sit ups and fast 2 miles, didn’t do so hot on mission. I know this because on our first air assault mission, 30 guys from 2 companies had to be MEDEVAC’d with heat stroke and heat exhaustion. Its not easy carrying that much gear in 130 degree heat. What was the trend in people who fell out? Skinny PT types, and lazy guys who didnt do anything. Who do I want on my team? I want a strong guy who can drag or carry my wounded ass to safety if need be. Not the guy, who if he changed into shorts and running shoes could run for help really fast. Being effective in combat has very little to do with “endurance”, though being able to endure is very effectively handled by being strong. Can that skinny runner carry or drag a 330 pound guy? Can they pull open an uparmored HUMVEE door (These are very heavy) on an overturned HUMVEE to get his brothers out? Can they drag their gear laden selves over walls and up stairwells, and kick open doors? These are very common, almost daily occurences in combat. Much less common is the 2 to 3 mile run. Also, while training for strength then and now, I had no problems on longer runs and rucks, which I did a lot of in the 82nd.

    We hear this all the time from military personnel who have served in combat. I hope things improve, for everyone’s sake.

    –Justin

  17. With respect to whether 90’s small is lame or not compared to 70’s Big, to each his own.

    Personally, I do want to squat 600, pull 700, and bench 400 at a weight of 240.

    However, if someone doesn’t want that, then that’s ok with me.

    I think the important message is simply that it’s ok to not be 90’s small. Many of us found out that lifting heavy shit was a lot of fun. Eating a lot of meat and gravy supports this habit very well, so we ingest many calories often. We learned that being big and strong is fucking awesome. We want to share that message.

    Like I said, if someone wants to be able to run far and have a six-pack, then so be it. I mean, I’ll be able to throw them pretty far, but if they are ok with that, then so am I. I do agree that it would be cool if our culture shifted from glorifying skinny guys to guys who can actually do shit. But, it’s ok.

  20. Hey All,

    This is my first post, but I have been following the site for a couple months and have been hooked since my first visit.

    A little background on me is that I have definitely been 90’s skinny all my life (165lb @ 6’1″ is 90’s skinny right?) I have dabbled with bodybuilding style workouts but have never been able to gain any size, or real strength for that matter. I converted over to strictly barbell training since reading Rip’s Starting Strength last fall and notice some good gains in my strength but not a big size difference (probably because I wasn’t eating for size).

    Then I found 70’s Big in February! I love the idea of eating tons of food and drinking milk so I can get as big as a real man should be. My father had always been a real man (220 @ 6′) and pretty damn strong, even though he doesn’t lift weights. I look up to him and now with following the 70’s Big ideals maybe I will finally grow up to be like him, and at 28 years old its about time!

    I think the final straw was when my wife was on this radio show where they ask all kind of personal questions to win a prize. They asked her one thing she would change about me and she said she wanted me to put on weight (even though she tells me I am fine). They all had a good chuckle that I was over 6′ and only 170 (public mockery is a big motivator). Now I am on my way to 200 and can throw my wife around a lot easier! I have a long way to go but I recently hit 184 lb and have grown out of several pairs of pants so I am in the right direction.

    Thanks 70’s Big!

    P.S. I wish I had one of those Double-Down sandwiches right now.

  21. @Edward Stedman
    just because you weigh x amount doesnt mean your slow. Even at my bloated 245 a month ago i could out sprint most people. conditioning doesnt need to go in the crapper because your getting strong,

  23. @Shaman –

    Living your life trying to impress women is a waste of time. Saying that getting big and strong is a waste of time just because women like skinny guys makes you a huge tool. You get strong because it makes you a physically more useful human being. If you make all of your life decisions based on what women want, your life will be pretty fucking shallow.

  24. I don’t eat fast-food but I definitely want to try the grilled double-down (or two) when I get the chance.

    As an aside, I enjoy the blog and realize it is not completely serious in nature and after-all, that is part of the fun of it, but all the incessant jokes and references equating homosexuality with emasculate patsies gets to be wearing after a while. 70sbig isn’t exclusively a straight thing and gays are not weak pussies by default so equating everything gay and queer as such is frustrating. Google bear for more info.

    That was almost the longest sentence ever. Instead of deciphering it, I’ll clarify that it’s all harmless joking, as you’ve already stated. I have or have had plenty of gay friends, and I don’t have a problem with it. But I don’t see why discussing this further would be relevant.

    –Justin

  26. Ryan and Edward you guys are absolutely right, strength is necessary for people who’s lives and jobs depend on real-world fitness – though some conditioning can help too and you don’t need to be 200+ pounds to be reasonably strong. Also, while it’s important to be in good physical condition, people who weren’t especially “strong” in the physical sense have done some pretty heroic/incredible things. Just for the record, I train heavy with dumbbells and a thick bar twice a week.

    My point has more to do with the “Don’t Be A Skinny Guy” message that this site puts out everywhere – it’s fucked. Chad has a pretty healthy attitude about it, and I think people should have more respect for the effort it takes to become big and strong even if you aren’t “ripped”, but this site goes a lot further than that. They’ve basically taken one misplaced idea of superiority (the Crossfitter who thinks he’s above everyone else because he’s “functional” and has a 6-pack) and replaced it with an equally ridiculous version (the 70s Big guy who thinks he’s above everyone else because he’s “useful” and weighs over 200 pounds). This whole fad of young guys defining manhood by their readiness for some imaginary huge physical challenge (“unknown and unknowable” in Crossfit, “Zombie apocalypse” with 70s Big) or their physique/squat #s is, to be blunt, fucking stupid. Being a man is about providing for your family if you have one, supporting your community, being honest, confident and doing something meaningful with your life. It has fuck-all to do with your bodyweight, powerlifting total or Fran time.

    If you enjoy lifting as a hobby, great, I do too, but drop the superiority complex.

    Dude, you are blowing this out of proportion and putting words in our mouths. You need to understand that some of the articles written here on 70’s Big are comedic in principal, but have an underlying truth. We also don’t need to fulfill every bloggers ideals of what their definition of a man is. If that were the case, nothing would be accomplished. Take a deep breath and relax. This is a site that is aimed to help people.

    –A.C.

    I bet you didn’t do well in high school English. Go back and read about satire.

    –Justin

  27. I was thinking that skinny guys would make shitty, weak zombies, but it occurred to me that once they turned into flesh eating monsters, they would probably stop starving themselves as well. Becoming monsters would mean they would stop watching MTV and emulating the body types seen therein. No longer brainwashed by incessant Twilight commercials and such, infected skinny guys the world over would be free to eat non-stop, provided they could get their hands on the men who weren’t caught in the initial outbreak at Urban Outfitters.

    Thus they would become large as they were meant to be and no longer look like skin stretched tightly over bones and atrophied abdominals. Maybe this is what it will take.

    I didn’t realize there were commercials for Twilight.

    –Justin

  28. I don’t understand why people who don’t agree with the 70’s Big motto would bother to come on this site (and register) just so that they can post about how stupid it is?!? I don’t like vampire movies, but you don’t see me going on vampire movie fan sites and telling them that their movies are stupid? I just choose to avoid the entire thing. If you don’t agree, don’t read it…its a pretty simple concept.

  29. Freeman, you are the reason Justin et al, have to come here and clarify things EVERY FUCKING MONTH, AT LEAST.

    Drop the butt hurt and get over yourself. There are only so many times, and ways, that this idea can be explained. And if you still don’t get it, then MAYBE stop reading here, but DEFINITELY stop posting here.

  31. Hey Justin,

    I have a meet in just over a month, but I won’t be able to compete in the weight class I want to unless I lose about 3kg! So is there anyway to cut down on fat while mainting/increasing strength for the meet?

    Thanks!

    Sure, but I don’t recommend that if it is your first meet.

    –Justin

  33. So there is Skinny Guy then 70s Big.

    What about us who are in the middle? For example, I am 6’0” 190lbs, what would I be considered?

    We need new names for the people in the middle. I don’t think I’m Skinny Guy, but I’m not 70sbig either.

    *shrugs*

    I am not going to quantify all things in life for you.

    –Justin

  36. @WCM025: There is Skinny Guy, then Adult Male, then 70s Big. I think between Skinny Guy and Adult Male is Adolescent Male.

    I’m not too sure there’s much of a difference between Skinny Guy and Adolescent Male…

    @LaHabra: hahahahahahaha

  38. Freeman,
    I don’t think anyone ever said there was
    anything wrong with conditioning. But conditioning is not synonymous with six pack. Conditioning doesn’t mean you
    are training for aesthetics. People make fun of
    skinny emaciated types because they’re just having fun. No one ever said those guys had great conditioning though. Yes there are people who are reasonably strong who are under 200lbs. Thats not the point.

  40. @Gregor, Most Dad’s have man strength and are over 200lbs. About 10 years ago I weighed about 175lbs and thought I was strong and 90’s skinny was cool. My Dad who weighed 6′, 220lbs, who wasn’t really lifting that much still drank milk and ate meat everyday. From time to time we would wrestle around and I knew I was stronger and faster than him however, because of his “man strength” he would always kick my ass and throw me around quite easily. After a month or so on living 70’s Big, I now see what Justin and 70sbig.com are trying to promote.

    Looking back, I see that my Dad was in man status in his early 20’s. My uncle is Superman status 6’3″ 275lbs. Although I’m only 5’10”, 210lbs, I plan on always being 70s Big so when my kids grow up they can see how cool 70s Big is and how strong you can be.

    BTW, I blasted a Big Guy Pounder burger with a chocolate shake at Burger Hut in Roseville, Ca last night.

  41. This is extremely simple. People don’t come to this site to “learn how to be a man.” We read and lift and eat because it’s fun and gratifying. If you don’t understand the humor and can’t get beyond a couple guys/gals just having fun then fine, however, don’t come calling us elitist and “fucked” for enjoying being bigger than you…

  42. i linked this article on another board and they all were against at. They usually are. Some specific comments:

    So a trimmed mid section and visible abs are bad things now? Interesting theory, haha

    Word for the wise; the ideal human form, for BOTH men and women, does not include a belly that sticks out farther than your chest. End.

    —–
    I suspect that a number of your readers wear gladiator sandals.

    Lack of visible abs is not synonymous with obesity.

    -Gant

  45. I apologize if I put anyone off with my earlier post this morning. In did not mean to imply that if you weigh 200+ lbs that you are not conditioned or fast. I know that it is very possible to weigh a good deal of weight, be in great condition and be fast…look at some of the best college and NFL linemen.

    I believe my point earlier was just saying that our military guys don’t all need to be 230+ lbs. Those that are, and are well condition as well…more power to you/them, but for those who still focus on getting stronger (like Ryan), but don’t get their weight way, way up are supremely more useful than the guys who can’t squat 2 wet socks, but they can max out the PT test.

  46. I’d like to get it out there that it was me who posted on Huffington post and linked to 70’s Big. Why? They had some article praising some amaciated little boy (in his 20’s! lol). There is something wrong with that. He needed to eat and get stronger. There is nothing sexy or functional about amaciated abs and a twig like figure.

    So yes, that was me and I’m guessing a lot of folks on that site could use the help of Justin and A.C.

    And for my first post, I’d also like to say that my quest has stalled right now because my pitiful school decided that I am not an athlete and cannot use the gym. They claim I can become stronger in the 90s small gym with 50lb dumbbells and machines. ROFL. The only thing good about it is that I have now given my dreaded left elbow injury some healing time. Sad , but I will be leaving here in a month.

    Don’t worry friends, I’ll be back with a gallon of milk in one hand and a McGangBang in the other… it’s not over til it’s over.

  48. @ Ryan – You bring up a good point with your examples of soldiers in the field. It’s a shame that the military uses such an innefective and outdated standard for their PT tests (pushups/situps/long distance run) when there could be much better indicators of field effectiveness and readiness used in their physical assessments. But as a former soldier myself, I think you and I both know it will be years or eons before the military will ever get around to changing anything like that.

    Truth.

    –Justin

  49. “What about us who are in the middle? For example, I am 6′0” 190lbs, what would I be considered?

    We need new names for the people in the middle. I don’t think I’m Skinny Guy, but I’m not 70sbig either.”

    I don’t know about anyone else but I consider myself to be “80’s Medium”. I’m 5’6″ 180lbs.

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