“Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!
It’s time to talk about poopin’.
Everyone Poops. It’s a book I read years ago in a store, and I couldn’t stop laughing hysterically. I for one enjoy the act of pooping, and I know many of you do to (my friend Chris is a HUGE fan of poopin’). I get a lot of reading done while I’m on the commode. I routinely call my mom while poopin’, and I’m sure to let her know every single time. Gettin’ work done when I’m gettin’ work done, I always say.
But alas! Start drinking lots of milk and eating lots of meat and you may run into problems when trying to enjoy your poop. Lots of milk can give you the runs, and lots of meat can give you the stops. Poopity poop, what can ya do? My friends, this is when supplementing fiber becomes a necessity for your poopin’ satisfaction.
On a side note, when you are skinny little pain in the ass who is trying to gain weight, you do NOT have time for vegetables. Sure, you can have some peas or corn with your taters and chicken fried steak, but they should not be getting in the way of filling your irritating concave abs with calories. ESPECIALLY if it is an artichoke. What is this Californian obsession with artichokes? You scrape some sludge off of a leaf and then dip it into “special sauce” to tolerate it. I don’t understand. And don’t get me started on the sparkling water ordeal (tap water is fine for me, darling Tara).
Ahem. Fiber supplementation is something that I think should be a part of any quest for 70’s Big. Poopin’ shouldn’t be traumatizing, it should, fun, easy, and enjoyable. One night when Mike Hom was here, he was rambling to me about two different kinds of fiber; one that was a bit softer, and another that just knocked all the garbage off the intestinal walls. Ptsh, which one did you think I was already taking? Yeah, the one that would promote healthy poopin’.
Enter Equate’s Natural Psyllium Husk Fiber:
You can get this at Wal-Mart relatively cheap. All you have to do is get a few ounces of water, stir in a spoonful of the orange powder, drink it fast enough so it doesn’t solidify in your mouth, and BAM! Poopin’ made easy. My pal Brent says it tastes like orange Hi-C. Well, I don’t know about that, but I’ve had worse things in my mouth (don’t ask).
I’m really not interested in explaining what kind of fiber this is, but it will help make poopin’ more regular. It will make the runny poop un-runny and it will make the stoppy poop un-stoppy. Your poop will be normalized. Trust me. Especially if you are eating lots of food. Since there isn’t time for vegetables, supplementing the missing fiber will not only improve your time on the commode, but it will help keep your gut healthy.
I shouldn’t have to say this, but I know you guys will get out of hand: we don’t need any gratuitous poop stories in the comments. I do not want to hear about your poopin’ ailments, nor do I want to hear about the consistency, color, shape, or size of your poop. I do not want any pictures of videos of you, your poop, or anybody else’s. And I CERTAINLY do not want AC to talk about playing poopy dollar at the mall. I will not tolerate this, and we need to have standards, damn it.
The word poop has been used 26 times in this post, including this one.
Christmas Vacation. The classic holiday movie.
I recommend fish oil for a regular and pleasant water closet experience.
I like this topic :) Too bad I may not talk about my experiences in this topic :(
This post has more poop than an episode of Dirty Jobs (with Mike Rowe)
(On the Discovery Channel)
(Check local listings)
“He called the shit, poop!”
Thanks for the topic. So now when my buddy gets home tonight and checks out this cool ass new site about getting strong and not marathon weak, he will see it”s actually shit…
Next time you visit super awesome California, try spinach and artichoke dip, the true utility of artichoke is to be mixed with all kinds of different cheeses and then baked with spinach. Top it off with a jog and a fresca.
Dr. Oz says that my poop should be S shaped.
90”s Small.
You”ve got it all wrong. Artichoke can be a staple of a 70s big diet. California fucks up everything it touches. You need to take the heart of the artichoke, bread it, and deep fry it. Here in New Orleans we stuff the artichoke with bread crumbs soaked in olive oil.
Last time I was in Los Angeles, it was nearly impossible to get regular iced tea. Everything was mango-peach fusion or raspberry enhanced. What shit. It reminded me of that old Dennis Leary routine about not being able to find coffee flavored coffee.
I don”t even know what poopy dollar is man. Sounds childish.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=couric
Can”t believe this wasn”t mentioned.
Todays training session cna be compared to poop. Couldn”t even complete one set of 160 due to bad eating. Im going to eat like a madman and blast through 10 on friday.
I am amused and amazed at the lack of commenting on this post. Either you guys are actually holding back from talking about your poop (which I would prefer) or you are too weirded out.
I thought there would be plenty of non-descriptive chit chat.
You mean shit chat?
You mean chit shat?
–Justin
One of my favorite past times ever.
I have always enjoyed time spent in the john. One question about using the psyllium. The way I have heard it works is to be abrasive on the small intestine, which in turn irritates and damages the lining of the small intestine, which then secretes mucus as a defense, and this mucus helps to lubricate things and dispel the irritant. Would you want to maximize the health of your intestines to make nutrient absorption as efficient as possible, i.e. to get every bit out of the calories we consume that we can? I””ve wondered the same thing about gluten, and other lectins in grains. If we remove these and heal the damage they do to the intestines, can we then get more out of the nutrients we consume to aid in our 70””s Big quest? Anyways thought I””d toss that out. Im a big fan of paleo plus dairy. These are things I think about…
I dunno man. Ask Robb Wolf and show me his response. In the mean time, if one is eating to get bigger, he does not care about how shitty the food is because he has two considerations: protein and calories. Thus, if something helps him poop better, then he should do it so that pooping does not become a painful endeavor. Follow?
–Justin
anyone ever played “hide and go poop”?
The solid crap was a favorite past time of mine. Then I got married. Our first place only had one bathroom so I couldn”t take my time. We finally got a new house with separate bathrooms. Life was good. Then the baby came. Now when I”m trying to kick back and enjoy a nice carb dump, I hear knocking on the door and a continuous “Dada, Dada, Dada.” Or I get to see her wiggle her finger under the door like she”s trying to grab me. Kinda creepy really.
Chia seed is a good alternative. Mix is one part chia with 9 parts water and a splash of ACV. Put in the fridge for 20 minutes, shaking periodically and it will turn in to a gel. 1TBS is 11g of fiber. I eat 3 TBS every night to move all the beef I ate during the day. In and out of the bathroom in 3 minutes. Another bonus is that it is full of Omega-3s.
I have no idea what any of that is.
–Justin
On a side note:
California is awesome. Our governor is fucking 70s big for fucks sake.
I live in California, I am the coolest motherfucker to ever walk this earth, therefore California is sweet.
On a related note:
Why is everyone talking shit?
Arnold is not a poster child for 70’s Big, nor is he still 70’s Big.
–Justin
A little off topic here and completely pointless, but me a a co-worker were discussing what 70sbig means in terms of weight.
Now the magic number of 200lbs seems to take you from a child to a man. But really there must be a linear scale we can follow.
Someone who is vertically challenged would be really 70sbig at 200lbs and it maybe even unattainable. Do we deny them manhood for this?
While someone like myself who is 6””3 still looks like marathon runner at 245lbs.
Sorry?
–Justin
Just seems unfair…
> California is awesome. Our governor is fucking 70s big for fuck””s sake.
This is an excellent point. I realize that you are all jealous because you do not live in CA, but that is to be expected. You can simply look to the west and let out a wistful sigh as we continue to live in one of the best places on Earth. Or Earf, if you like.
Veggies definitely have a place in the 70s Big diet, too. Fiber supplements are for the aged. Eat some fruits and veggies and life will be good.
For someone doing a good job of gaining weight, they should not bother with fruits and veggies in the gaining weight phase. They do not have enough calories (bananas might).
–Justin
Talk about timing, I just read today”s post, while shitting.
Oh, and California sucks.
I live in CA as well, but considering heading up north when i finish school.
For fiber and vitamins I usually throw in some blueberries to my protein shakes. With a sandwich i eat a handfull of baby carrots. An apple or two throughout the day while waiting to eat a real meal helps also. Maybe about once a week or so i visit a place with a salad bar, eat a huge salad and top off with as much food after that as i can.
So far this has kept me from getting clogged up, which is surprising due to the amount of cheese I have been consuming.
How tall are you and how much do you weigh?
–Justin
“I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it. Literally.”
CA blows. Although I can”t say too much as I currently live in Alabama–which is Millenium Fat.
Moving on, fiber is great for your average everyday build up, but if you ever have major stoppage look for magnesium citrate…then clear your schedule for the next 12 hours and make sure there is nothing between you and the toilet.
“The solid crap was a favorite past time of mine. Then I got married. Our first place only had one bathroom so I couldn”t take my time. We finally got a new house with separate bathrooms. Life was good. Then the baby came. Now when I”m trying to kick back and enjoy a nice carb dump, I hear knocking on the door and a continuous “Dada, Dada, Dada.” Or I get to see her wiggle her finger under the door like she’’s trying to grab me. Kinda creepy really.”
Bluecheese – this made me laugh out loud at work. There is no part of this narrative that I do not recognize.
Millenium Fat.Perfect
@ Jake Thanks for giving me a definition of my past! So now I can officially state I am going from Millenium Fat to 70”s Big.
@Ryan, I”ve heard the same about psyllium.
A product I really like that keeps me pooping comfortably is Catie”s Organic Greens (http://bit.ly/84yXvX).
This also solves Justin”s issue of wasting stomach space on fruits and veggies, but still getting the benefits of them.
This stuff is good in water, juice, smoothies…whatever, and it tastes pretty decent.
Wasn”t Jesse Ventura governor of Minnesota for a while? He”s arguably cooler since he had a ”tash. I better not linger on this, my shrink advises against discussing the conspiracy whereby the cast of Predator assumes all political offices. He says its just paranoia on my part.
I don””t think California itself is bad, but yall have to admit there are a bunch of wierdos that come out of that state. I net a girl from Cali once. We were boiling crawfish and she started crying. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she felt sorry for the dying crawfish.
I made a good bit of fun out of her, but I forgave her.
I edited your post because I don’t want a bunch of weird things to be said about women. I would prefer to not make women angry here.
–Justin
California must be real poopy; who would want to surf, snowboard, and have the possiility to bang an actress, all in the same day?
On another note:
I am definately going to check into this fiber supplementing as I have been serving soft serve through a clogged spigget the past couple weeks.
Grilling up veggie patties(for easy veggie servings) and drenching them in olive Oil helped for a time but that time has expired.
I do not have much to offer on this subject, but bluecheese I understand what you are saying about kids. However, my wife and kids know that when I grab the paper and head in the direction of the bathroom, do not bother trying to talk to me or knocking because it will be a while.
I always find that a cup of joe in the morning helps to move breakfast along. I can”t remember the last time I didn”t take a poop to start my day at work.
Coconut and dates are always good for getting things going. Nothing worse than fighting to murder a brown snake….ruins a good read.
Cali sucks…it”s like British Columbia”s overtanned, wrinkled aunt…but with more gangbangers….
vegetables and fruit are gay
Dammit Justin! That last post of mine was solid gold! Oh well, I suppose we must be kind to the fairer or the sexes.
Yeah, you guys are supposed to help bring chicks to the site, not drive them away.
–Justin
Justin,
Robb Wolf is where I got the stuff about the psyllium and gluten stuff. But I agree it””s way easier to eat 6000 calories of less than ideal food than it is to eat 6000 calories of paleo type food.
Yeah, and now I am suggesting that the psyllium be used when such a diet takes place. Psyllium is not a requirement though, try other kinds of fiber, especially when purposely not getting it through food.
–Justin
Shitting in the dark is not fun either, took me a couple episodes while sitting on the work throne to realize that 10min is all you get before its lights out.
Please elaborate.
–Justin
Well your just chillin out on the toilet, doin your thing. Bam lights out, pitch black. All you have is your trusty Blackberry to guide you and your not finished.
And you can tell its not the cleanest deuce you have ever let go so your sitting there using a BB as a lamp to make sure its all good while cleaning up.
Also walking around in a washroom blind isnt that fun. Some ass clown left a puddle on the floor. I slipped, I fell. I hurt for a few minutes.
Then you have to explain why your limping and your ass is hurting after being gone for 15min to the receptionist and coworkers.
Your work restroom must have those motion sensor lights that come on and off based on the movement in the restroom. If you sit in there for 10+ minutes pinching a loaf and no one else comes in or out, the lights go out on you.
Yah it it has terrible placement. So you can wander around quite a distance before it turns on.
Big fail on the contractors part.
For me, the equalizer for shitty poops is baby wipes. I won”t poop without them. Cleaning up that felt tip marker with plain old TP just doesn”t cut it. Here”s what I”ve learned:
I use the flushable ones from Target. They are the largest of that variety I have tested. As are the Kleenex brand, but Target”s are cheaper.
In a pinch, those travel ”Wet Ones” can do the trick, and they fit in your back pocket, which is a plus. Good for the bar/club poop. Not sure if the anti bacterial properties are good or bad for the taint and all, but who”s really couldn”t use some anti bacterialin”?
You”ll have to sacrifice. I only poop at home and work, since that”s where I have wipes. If you work at a place that has those industrial strength toilets, spring for the full size baby wipes.
Use wipes and TP. Wipes to stop itchy ass, TP to stop wet ass.
You know your gym bag, with your lifting shoes, belt, chalk, smelling salts, and knee wraps? Throw some baby wipes in there.
I think that”s it.
EaseUp:
Haha, that used to happen to me all the time at my previous job. It made taking a shit pretty damned shitty.
This has NOTHING to do with shitting, BUT, that show, DEA, on SPIKE TV, I feel those dudes need to get 70s BIG.
None of them are jacked! WTF!!
Justin,
At 6 foot 1, I just passed 210lbs of bodyweight. How much more should I look to gain to attain my 70s big stature?
I don’t think you are allowed to think in terms of actually being 70’s Big yet. Instead, you need to get to at least 235 before stopping the linear progression. Probably 240.
–Justin
A necessary and useful post, Justin. There was an elephant in the room so to speak, and it was high time that we as a community acknowledged that the 70””s Big lifestyle leads to some devastating blowback.
Also, as a sworn defender of the Bear Flag I demand satisfaction on any and all claims that Cali sucks any more than whatever podunk dirthill said anti-Cali yokels are writing from. Now the South, that place fucking blows.
I primarily dislike your government, and there is not anything you can do to defend it.
–Justin
Dang I have already gained 35lbs I thought I was done with linear progression. I seemed to be maxed out so I moved onto the texas method, and failed on dead and squat multiple times. I was also eating everything in sight, should I go back to linear progression, and just do everything I can to get up to 240?