Last night Brent started talking to me about a part of the podcast pertaining to cortisol and ejaculation (primarily masturbation in the podcast). Since we recorded it about three weeks ago, it rekindled his (our?) interest in it. I became interested in seeing what kind of research was done on ejaculation, testosterone, and cortisol. The results are compelling.

First Study: Effects of ejaculation on levels of testosterone, cortisol, and luteinizing hormone in peripheral plasma of rhesus monkeys.

[spoiler show=”Show the details of this study” hide=”Hide the details of this study”]Okay…there’s a lot going on here. Let me highlight it for you.

Mean levels of T and LH did not increase significantly after coitus or in control (no ejaculation) tests, but cortisol levels did in both cases

Oh, okay, that’s kind of interesting. Wait? They got some of the monkeys horny and then didn’t let them ejaculate? Christ, this is worse than water boarding.

In 10 different males, no significant change was found in the plasma levels of T after electroejaculation; but in control tests (electric current withheld)…

Wait, what? Electroejaculation? Lemme wikipedia that shit…OH MY GOD??? First they roofie the monkey, then an “electric probe is inserted into the rectum adjacent to the prostate”. That’s French for “they stick something in his ass” and then shock him into cumming. While this may be regular practice in 47% of Catholic churches, it’s a new concept to me.

The effects on T levels produced by living with sexually receptive female rhesus monkeys may differ from those produced by intimate but brief contact with them.

Well, duh, no dude wants to sleep with his roommate. He hears her sit on the toilet and has to listen to her all day (the reciprocal is also true).
[/spoiler]

Second Study: Factors influencing sexual performance in male rhesus monkeys.
This ought to be good.
[spoiler show=”Show the details of this study” hide=”Hide the details of this study”]

A 5-yr retrospective study of the sexual behavior of eight adult male rhesus monkeys showed that sexual vigor declined over the years but testosterone levels in peripheral vein plasma did not.

No doubt “sexual vigor” has been quantified, but god damn is it weird to imagine unshaven researchers looking in a cage and trying to figure out how sexy this monkey has or hasn’t been lately.

Eight different adult male rhesus strangers-present in the room but not in the test cage-were used as stimuli, one for each experimental test.

Ehhh…they brought in strangers to strip. I bet they wore masks.
[/spoiler]

Third Study: Luteinizing hormone, testosterone, and behavioral response of male-oriented rams to estrous ewes and rams.
[spoiler]If watching a bunch of rams having sex all day wasn’t enough…
“All right, it’s gonna get a little weird. We’re gonna watch gay rams have sex.”
[/spoiler]

Fourth Study: Hormonal changes when falling in love
[spoiler show=”Show the details of this study” hide=”Hide the details of this study”]

FSH and testosterone levels were lower in men in love

Welp, that about settles it, then.

…wait, what was I searching?
[/spoiler]

Fifth Study: A research on the relationship between ejaculation and serum testosterone level in men.

[spoiler show=”Show the details of this study” hide=”Hide the details of this study”]

On the 7th day of abstinence, however, a clear peak of serum testosterone appeared, reaching 145.7% of the baseline ( P < 0.01).

7 DAYS? Maaaan…fucking forget it. [/spoiler]

This comes up when you Google "Testosterone",
I shit you not.