I hate Hollywood. They have a habit of taking really cool ideas and royally fucking them up. Remember the Wolverine movie? It was entertaining, yet irritatingly different than the Wolverine comics where he was a brooding savage. They pussified him, created some idiotic plot that was pretty lame, and then had him shot in the head. The X-Men movies were neat because it was X-Men irl, yet they really left something to be desired for (I thought the coolest parts were the first 15 minutes of meeting Logan: bar fight, snow fight vs Sabertooth, etc.).

In any case, Hollywood typically takes these ideas and adds a bunch of special effects to make them flashy for the midget-sized-attention of the present day American and forego any attempt at an interesting plot or character development. Michael Bay is the biggest shit-head, and South Park mocked him correctly. What’s worse is how the movie is whored around to sell videogames, toys, and other shitty products all in an attempt to earn revenue from starry eyed kids. Remember the shit storm that was “Batman and Robin“? Whenever a movie is aimed at children, it means the movie will be terrible. We saw that with X-Men and Batman (“The Dark Knight” would have been better if it was Rated R, oh, and if they didn’t cast a dipshit as Bruce Wayne) — censoring and dumbing things down for kids results in an all-around shitty product. I don’t know why movies should be directed at kids anyway since it a) makes a shittier product, b) kids are stupid and won’t know the difference anyway, c) kids will appreciate it either way because they are still stupid, and d) kids get too much attention anyway. Their opinion couldn’t be less relevant, especially because they will buy the toys anyway (remember that they are dumb).

I was really skeptical when they cast Jason Momoa as Conan since he largely looks like a tool. I also hated him at first when he played Khal Drogo in “Game of Thrones”, yet he proved his worth in the later episodes (by being fucking crazy). However, this guy should have been Drogo (from “The Quest”).

Momoa still may not be a good Conan despite his neatness in “Game of Thrones”. Here he is trying to look menacing while posteriorily rotating his hips to flex his abs.


He could be bigger. I never saw Thor, but I also thought Chris Hemsworth should have been a lot fucking bigger (he was playing Thor!). These assholes need to weigh at LEAST 235 lbs to play these characters. Someone should send a memo to Hollywood that being ripped and being bigger than your female co-actor are not the same as actually being big.

Momoa doesn’t seem like he fits the Conan characteristics. I haven’t read the early stories by Robert E. Howard (I probably will soon), but Conan is an “amoral swordsman” who is described as a “giant” and “massive”. No human is ever described as stronger than him and he can move like a panther. During his reign as king of Aquilonia, Conan was “… a tall man, mightily shouldered and deep of chest, with a massive corded neck and heavily muscled limbs.” Frankly, Momoa just doesn’t fit that build. Had he put on an extra 20 pounds of muscle, he might.

But it will depend on how the screen writers develop the character and how Momoa can act it out. Momoa did well as the Khal, yet Hollywood screen writers are NOT George R. R. Martin (who clearly doesn’t give a fuck). Screen writers in these big box office movies always create stupid fucking punch lines that are corny enough to incite rage quits everywhere. Not to mention the Conan preview above shows a bunch of special effects in what appears the be the later stages of the film. Special effects always aim to wow the audience and generally degrade the film (see anything that Michael Bay has touched).

I also get irritated with awful fight scenes, so hopefully the fight choreography is better than average. In “Alexander”, the shittiest fucking movie ever, the fight scenes consisted of a camera stuck on a broken clothes washer, zoomed in shots of weapons clanging, and guys making out (I hate that movie so much and Colin Ferrel is SUCH a twat). “Gladiator” and “Troy”, on the other hand, had amazing fight choreography; the Achilles verses Hector fight is one of the best fight scenes ever.

The one saving grace is that there appears to be plenty of gore. I get really pissed when movies shrimp on the blood and guts, especially when there are swords involved. For example, the director’s cut of Lord of the Rings had a lot of orc limbs being severed and generally more orc blood. This was good. Braveheart is the classic big box office movie that included lots of gore, and the first few minutes of the first episode of “Game of Thrones” shows dead children and a beheading. This is not only what I want to see because anything less isn’t realistic. Whenever I read historical accounts of battles, it always goes out of the way to point out how much blood is on the ground. There are usually pools of blood strewn across the battlefield and I’m yet to see a movie show this (except for this scene in Dead Alive — Rippetoe convinced AC and I to watch this movie and it’s the weirdest fucking thing ever).

Look, I’m really particular about my movies that have swords and melee fighting. My dream is to be an extra in a movie like this, bearded and hairy chest fighting with a sword. What else could be better? If there aren’t corny punch lines, plenty of violent killing, boobs and sex (an integral part of Conan lore), and non-shitty special effects fight scenes, then we should be good. But, I ask…
CROOOOM, WHERE IS THE WIZARD THAT KILLED MY MOTHER?
CROOOOM, WHERE ARE THE TWO DRAGONS FACING EACH OTHER?
CROOOOM, IF YOU’RE MY GOD THEN SHOW ME THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY