How To Press Your Girlfriend…

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How To Press Your Girlfriend…and other pressable beings

Many readers stop me on the streets (because I’m just always walking on the streets…and these streets are all full of people that not only recognize me, but they also come up to me and talk to me in wonder) and say, “How do you do it? You press girls overhead like fine wine.” And I get confused and say, “That doesn’t really make any sense.” In any case, I’m kind of an expert. Why? Well, last I checked, I’m the only one here who has pressed an Olympian:



In any case, this is a simple step-by-step guide to pressing your girlfriend overhead. First, you need to size your girlfriend up…without her knowing. If you attempt to press her and fail, this makes you an asshole. Not only are you a blatant weakling, but you make her look like a behemoth. She will be nothing if not pissed.

I want to take this opportunity to point out that “pressing your girlfriend” means lifting her from under her armpits; not this silly overhead squatting shit. If you put your girlfriend overhead and squat her, that means that you guys had to discuss the plans, and then execute. Planning is the opposite of spontaneity, and you aren’t going to impress anyone — her or me — by planning it out like a loser.

After sizing your lady up, you’ll have to determine if you can do a solid press, of if you’ll need to add in a little dip-drive. The dip-drive has a push-press element that can help you get out of the bottom position; this is necessary if A) she actually is a behemoth, B) you are weak, C) you are foreign to pressing women, or D) when you touch a women, you get a funny feeling in your pants and forget how to press.

In the video above, you can see that Eva is short. This means I had to initiate the press with a curl to get her in a proper press position. Remember that pressing mechanics will be most efficient if the load is over the glenoid (the shoulder joint), so getting your load over that point as quick as possible will make the press easier. The easier the press, the less likely you are to look like a poon. If you are unable to strict curl your lady (and unable to just get stronger before the next attempt), then perform a quick dip drive to initiate the movement. Regardless of how you initiate the movement — stict curl or dip drive — you may need to follow up with a proper lean back.

Leaning back may be necessary if you’re A) weak or B) stupid. Being weak means that you just can’t drive the lady up. Being stupid means that you leave her center of mass out in front of your shoulder joint, and thus creating a mechanical disadvantage. If you do this more than once, then inform your mate that the relationship probably won’t work out anyway, and you’re both better off not having a chance of reproducing. Leaning back to improve efficiency should be innate, but so should not getting addicted to drugs or agreeing its logical for an overly fat person to pay for more than one airplane seat — we have to account for people who ruin it for the rest of us. If you experience trouble mid press, then lean back to gain control of her center of mass.

Speaking of “center of mass”, don’t use this phrase to reference her. Implying she has mass will not go over well (even if it’s true). This is a good opportunity to point out the exceptional proximity of pressing a woman; your bodies will be in contact and her bell will be in your face at lockout. This can be a good development in your relationship unless she has an overbearing FUPA. Beware of the FUPA (or sandwiches hidden within). Hopefully you took care to account for this when you sized her up.

If you don’t succeed on your first press attempt, quickly try again without discussing it. If you talk about it you’ll just make it awkward. She’ll start getting all self conscious about her weight or her FUPA, and that’s not good for business. Simply re-arrange your grip, and power her up. If you fail, set her down, and try and explain what you were doing, then you’re like that kid toeing the dirt in an arc while he sheepishly looks to the side; a shy fucking idiot. Don’t be weird about it, just press her overhead. It really isn’t that hard. Christ, how did I write over 770 words about it already? Just put her overhead. If you’ve been lifting weights then it’s a non-issue anyway. After it’s over, she’ll think you are a king fit to rule vikings.

One last thing; don’t hold the lockout. This isn’t the time to imitate Pyyros Dimas because it’ll hurt your lady’s arm pits. Speaking of arm pits, this is the location that you would press a dog from as well. Do NOT lift a dog by their belly. It will hurt and disgruntle them. No dog should be disgruntled. I took a short break from typing this article to exhibit how to lift and press a dog without injuring them. As you can see, Leda was delighted.