Yes it’s true, I wear short shorts un-apologetically. And you should too.
What I’m talking about is drawing a line in the sand. Unchecked aggression. We have a dedicated enemy, a worthy fucking adversary. Men. Women. This is what we’re up against (Exhibit A).
The metrosexual. The skinny guy. The college kid. The hipster. The hippy. They come in many forms, yet they are all the same. And they’re trying to steal America away from us! It’s time to make a stand, and we do that by proudly revealing two meaty, bouldering thighs that emit a testosterone-filled musk that inspire women to savagely claw at your hairy chest, urging you to take them to the promised land.
This is your density.
If we are to make a stand, to show this country that masculinity is not only en vogue, but necessary to teach young children that waify, frail, useless humans are not the future, that children can work hard and have something to show for it, then we must — repeat MUST — reduce the length of our shorts. It is the only way; it is known. (By the way, I don’t know what “en vogue” means, but I think you can take penicillin for it.)
I will teach you the way of the short shorts. I will begin as a leader, but evolve into a member of the resistance, the last chance we have at rescuing the children — THE CHILDREN! Let me show you the way.
What Short Shorts Are Not
As indicated above, evoking masculinity through your short choice does not start with khaki. Sure, khaki must inevitably be worn if you are dragged to a quasi-nice house party in the middle of the summer, but my friend Jeremy and his wife can attest to the fact that I showed up to a quiet house party and not only was I the only one not in a collared shirt, I was the only one wearing short shorts and a tank-top. At first I thought, “This is mildly inappropriate, especially since I don’t know these people.” Then I embraced it, because this is our last hurrah in the “I’m A Little Pansy-Man Frontier”.
And in case you were curious, masculinity is not emitted in the form of rolled up jean shorts, capris, or shorts that have fake paint splattered on them (Exhibit B). GOD DAMN IT, A REAL MAN SPLATTERS HIS OWN PAINT ON A CUTOFF PAIR OF LEVIS THAT HE HAD TO CUT BECAUSE HIS THIGHS GREW TOO FUCKING BIG FROM SQUATTING HIS DICK OFF EVERY WEEK. This, by the way, is the only acceptable reason to own or wear jean shorts. And if you do wear them, for fuck’s sake…put on some underwear.
Make no mistake, short shorts are not a show of style; they are a show of attitude. Keep this in mind when selecting your shorts. I don’t even understand “style” anyway.
The only exception to wearing capri pants is if your name is Arnold Shwarzenegger in the ’70s and you cut the bottoms of your pants off to remind yourself how skinny your calves are. The only other acceptable reason is if you are a prisoner of war and the enemy is making you wear them to psychologically weaken you. But then you could just rip the bottoms off to make short shorts, and then use the torn pieces to wear a sweet headband.
What Short Shorts Are
Short shorts are a necessary social statement that say, “I’m a man, damn it.” Either that or “Eat shit, skinny guy.” There are several requirements to pulling off the short shorts.
1. Be muscular.
This should be a no-brainer, but once we start this bandwagon, everyone is gonna want to join. You can’t make a statement about masculinity when you don’t embody the evolutionary male archetype. That’d be like Martin Luther King, Jr. staging a civil rights sit-in protest as a nerdy white guy. If the line of your thigh from your knees to your hips is straight, then you do not qualify.
Additionally, “muscular” means there is shape to your quads instead of just a fatty log. Clean up your diet and
clap dem cheeks let your quads boulder out over each other. The more those striations pop, the more effective your message, especially when you just got done squatting over 4 or 500 pounds.
2. Don’t be creepy.
The last thing we want when trying to induce a lustful rage in women and inspire children is to give them the “I’m a creepy uncle” or “no-no” feeling. If you’re pretty fat and hairy, you’re gonna creep them out. Sorry dude, that’s just how it is. Get less fat by cleaning up your diet, and reduce the scare of your hairy-ass thighs by getting them in the sun. A tan/hairy specimen is much better than a pale/hairy one.
This last part is the most important part: trim your pubes. I don’t know where it became cool to not trim certain body hair, but if you don’t trim your groin area, and you inevitably put your foot up on the couch when talking to your nieces, you don’t want your ball hair to protrude out and tickle their noses. Please, think of the children. If you aren’t willing to trim, well, maybe short shorts are not for you.
3. Don’t wear a t-shirt.
Unless you’re doing squad PT, take that ridiculous shirt off. The sun is out, it’s over 70 degrrees (F), and you should enjoy some quality Vitamin D. Go shirtless or bump a sweet tank top. The best tank top I’ve ever seen is this “bear wearing sunglasses” one that my friend Norman has. Note that rocking a tank-top or going shirtless requires the machoism to shine from your upper body too, so hurry up and press over 200, bench over 300, and then do at least 1,000 barbell rows every week.
4. Don’t neglect the hams
One of the worst things you can do for our cause — other than make a child sneeze with your pube hair — is to not develop your hamstrings. We aren’t mirror lifters. So RDL your fucking face off. With, like, a bajillion reps a week.
5. Have the right shorts.
And finally to the equipment section. Some of you may remember the sweet shorts that Arnold Schwarzenegger wore in Pumping Iron (Exhibit C). These were undoubtedly my inspiration.
I don’t know how Arnold came across some used high school football shorts, but he inadvertently set the tone for our social movement. Though I will point out that wearing Keds with long socks is a bit out of style. That’ll put you in the “creepy” category, especially if you’re hairy and fat.
When shopping for a pair of shorts, ensure that a) there is a liner inside of them and b) the tip of your dugan is not easily visible when viewing the front of your shorts. The liner will help hold your junk in place, and the “not showing your mushroom tip” will prevent us from being banned from cable television. Oh, and Marine Corps “silkies” made by Soffee will inevitably outline your wang, so steer away from those. And if your dong isn’t outlined, you probably should stop wearing them now that everyone knows it’s supposed to be outlined and they’ll just think you have a wee little pee-pee.
People usually ask where I get my shorts (Exhibit D), and I usually get them on military bases/posts for about $10 a pair. Soffees are pretty cheap on their website, but then you run into that “everyone is drinking in the view of my bone” thing. Feel free to post other brands to the comments, but I highly recommend having a liner in your shorts. The last thing anyone needs is an “accidental ballsack discharge” or “peek-a-boo-wiener”.
Fight the Good Fight
Remember, every time you clothe yourself in the morning you make a statement. Do you want that statement to say, “I will conform to how skinny, no-lifting puke-faces are shaping modern society”? Or will you say, “God damn it, I’m a man”? I know some of you have real jobs and can’t show up to work wearing short shorts, but the aforementioned Jeremy routinely shows up to the office wearing multi-colored cowboy boots and a beard. He paves his own way.
We shall take back America!
Join the resistance — WEAR SHORT SHORTS!