It’s no secret that bacon was a gift from the immortals. Zeus, Cronus’ son, showed the Lifterians the great secret of bacon several years after Priam’s Troy fell. He said onto the Lifterians, “Go forth and eat bacon, for it is thy life source. And when you shall sacrifice to us, the mighty immortals, may you do it with delicious crispy bacon lest your prayers go irritatingly ignored. I bow my head to you now, Lifterians, binding our pact for eternity.” And so it was that the unfathomable was fathomable, and bacon was upon our green lands.
Let it be known that all bits of bacon should be consumed, lest it insult mighty, terrible Zeus. Do not dispose of bacon grease; Apollo himself, the shall rain his flurry of arrows upon the backs of such wasteful fools. Cook thine eggs in the grease of bacon for superior results.
Rumors have been heard in crowded streets that bacon was actually the offspring of powerful Zeus and loving Aphrodite. This explains why bacon has such a powerful, passionate, and loving attraction.
Now fire up the grill, the stove, the oven, and griddle,
Light the match, grab the pan, and place the bacon in the middle.
Let it snap, let it pop, let the aromas climb
For all of your friends will know that it is bacon time.
Let’s play a game. I’ll give you a place or an event, and you tell me if it’s appropriate for bacon consumption.
If you answered “Yes” to all of the questions above, then you are permitted, by Cronus’ son, to lead a fruitful life. If you answered no…may the gods have mercy on you, your land, and your people.
Also, a bacon bra (sorta NSFW…if you work in a church).