Bacon

It’s no secret that bacon was a gift from the immortals. Zeus, Cronus’ son, showed the Lifterians the great secret of bacon several years after Priam’s Troy fell. He said onto the Lifterians, “Go forth and eat bacon, for it is thy life source. And when you shall sacrifice to us, the mighty immortals, may you do it with delicious crispy bacon lest your prayers go irritatingly ignored. I bow my head to you now, Lifterians, binding our pact for eternity.” And so it was that the unfathomable was fathomable, and bacon was upon our green lands.





Let it be known that all bits of bacon should be consumed, lest it insult mighty, terrible Zeus. Do not dispose of bacon grease; Apollo himself, the shall rain his flurry of arrows upon the backs of such wasteful fools. Cook thine eggs in the grease of bacon for superior results.


Rumors have been heard in crowded streets that bacon was actually the offspring of powerful Zeus and loving Aphrodite. This explains why bacon has such a powerful, passionate, and loving attraction.


Now fire up the grill, the stove, the oven, and griddle,
Light the match, grab the pan, and place the bacon in the middle.
Let it snap, let it pop, let the aromas climb
For all of your friends will know that it is bacon time.

********


Bacon briefcase




Let’s play a game. I’ll give you a place or an event, and you tell me if it’s appropriate for bacon consumption.


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If you answered “Yes” to all of the questions above, then you are permitted, by Cronus’ son, to lead a fruitful life. If you answered no…may the gods have mercy on you, your land, and your people.
Also, a bacon bra (sorta NSFW…if you work in a church).

46 thoughts on “Bacon

  1. Eating bacon and eggs and cream cheese while reading this. I’m reluctant to give a yes to the Bar mitzvah, I thought Jews didn’t like eating pork or something. Everything else a resounding yes.

    I’m not Jewish. There’s no law saying I can’t eat bacon at a fucking bar mitzvah.

    –Justin

  2. I have islamic decent, therefore I don’t eat bacon.

    The Swine is a filthy animal.

    Like Achilles, I don’t mind angering the Gods. In fact it adds to my Achilles like hubris.

    Here is a nice Achilles quote from the film Troy:

    “I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

    The swine isn’t filthy sitting next to my eggs.

    –Justin

  3. Yesterday my post lifting meal was buffalo chicken pizza. Sounds good right? Well it was also covered in BACON. Truly a meal inspired of the gods.

  4. re: ultimate leg workout; Hamstring curls on a stability ball is a perfectly legitimate exercise… when done by a woman… in spandex… where I can see it.

    But to have a pic of a guy doing it, even a cartoon… That’s just wrong.

  5. Wow what a coincidence – had bacon last night for the first time in almost a year.

    For the record, while ground beef and steak are probably not bad for you, cured meats like bacon and sausage probably are. Eg, http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/press-releases/2010-releases/processed-meats-unprocessed-heart-disease-diabetes.html Not moralizing here – just some people might think say steak is as bad as bacon, and eat more bacon than if they knew otherwise. Better as a garnish than a main course. Or look for reduced sodium, nitrate free bacon.

    That study is bullshit and using it as a reason to not eat bacon is equally so. An epidemiological study associating processed meat with heart disease and diabetes? What kind of diet or lifestyles did all those people lead? How many carbs were they eating a day? Did they fucking exercise? 60% of people in America are fat and lazy — should studies on their health be correlated with me? Fuck no. I lift regularly, condition regularly, eat healthy, and have low body fat. Saying that an epidemiological study is relevant to me is saying that my health is just like everyone else’s, and tha’ts not the fucking case.

    –Justin

  6. @Charles “The Hammer” Martel
    You are just taking the piss rite? thats only because red meats tend to have less fa, than a nice greasy bit of bacon, its nothing to do with the bacon meat it’s self.
    Nitrate free? Bacon is meat, meat is protein, proteins are made of amino acids and amino acids have nitrate groups… Good luck finding some truly nitrate free bacon.

  7. Charles, there is no conclusive research that nitrates are bad when consumed in moderate amounts. The link you shared also doesn’t indicate the lifestyles of the people who were part of the study, just that they were “similar”, whatever that means.

    In any case, you are asking for trouble IF you choose to eat bacon that is not processed. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, eh?

  8. rpbrown,
    Yeah the lifestyles issue is a gaping flaw in almost every nutritional survey, though I’d bet the lifestyle differences between processed and unprocessed red meat eaters is smaller than say, the difference between those who eat red meat regularly and those who don’t. Though I wasn’t aware “moderate amounts” existed at 70′s Big.

    “In any case, you are asking for trouble IF you choose to eat bacon that is not processed.” Would you explain?

  9. I always have to cook 50% more bacon than needed. Does anyone have the problem of eating the bacon off the cooling plate before putting it to its actual use? ie, BLT, chili, etc…

  10. From the study:

    “Dietary sodium (salt) is known to increase blood pressure, a strong risk factor for heart disease.”

    Debatable

    Irrelevant. Sodium is water soluble, so if you’re hydrated you’ll piss it out as long as you aren’t getting thousands of mg’s a day from shitty processed food.

    –Justin

  11. On a side note, after about two years of eating nothing but bacon and eggs for breakfast I recently started mixing in sausage here and there to break things up a bit. I am pleased with the results.

    Also, my oldest son’s like fourth or fifth word was “bacon” I was so proud!

    @reneelee – I must find a recipe for this chocolate covered bacon you speak of.

  12. Charles,

    I said that because nitrites preserve meat such as pork from bacterial growth such as botulism. As there is no direct connection between nitrites and cancer (only that carcinogens such as nitrosamines form during cooking meat), I will take my chances and avoid botulism. We come in contact with plenty of carcinogens daily already.

    Also – Make sure we’re talking about nitrites here and not nitrates, which are two different types of compounds. Additionally, ever notice how there’s aged beef, but never aged pork? Yeah…that whole bacteria thing. Never eat pork that’s been “aged”.

    Chemistry right here. rpbrown is a good friend to have.

    –Justin

  13. I made my own bacon recently – just pork belly from a local farmer, salt, sugar and time, plus a little smoke at the end. Amazing. I have another one in progress now.

    I’m jealous.

    –Justin

  14. @MattTruss.

    it’s not complicated:

    1) melt 70% or higher dark chocolate in some sort of dippable container (measuring cup, whatever)

    2) cook bacon until crispy (maple bacon is far superior here, but unnecessary)

    3) drain bacon on paper towel (excess fat will make the chocolate slide off)

    4) dip bacon.

    5) put on wax paper and leave in fridge to set, if any make it there.

    ????

    6) Profit

  15. @Charles

    First, whenever you read anything that starts off with “meta-analysis” just go ahead and disregard everything that comes afterwards.

    Second, bacon and hot dogs/bologna/etc is so different as to be laughable that they would put them in the same category. Yeah a slice of pork belly that has been smoked and cured def has the same effect on you as the parts of animals that are left and then centrifuged off the carcass into a large vat where its mixed with all kinds of thickening agents/cutting agents and whatever was leftover from the nightly floor sweep. These kinds of “studies” tell us almost nothing and then are portrayed in the media as actual science.

    How about the scientist suggest a possible mechanism for harm that bacon eating could have and then apply the scientific method and create a reproduceable lab study which accurately measures the original hypothesis.

    Not, lets compile the data from a lot of other studies which have differing methodologies (making the aggregate analysis garbage) and then run it through a whole bunch of regressions until we find one p value under 0.05 with a media friendly result which we can get some ink for?

  16. Additionally, you eat bacon on its own (or is at least its own ‘dish’ per se).

    Guess what 95% of Americans eat whenever they eat bologna, deli meats, or hot dogs? Processed white bread. Could this possibly have some effect on their health totally separate from the consumption of a cured meat product?

  17. “Saying that an epidemiological study is relevant to me is saying that my health is just like everyone else’s, and tha’ts not the fucking case.”

    Good-God- that was the most insightful comment I have read on a “fitness” site in a long damn time. There is so much total horseshit out there in the form of “studies” that get used as a warning against an 18 year old athlete doing anything something that is not good for a 72 year old woman with kidney failure.

  18. bacon is by far my favorite food, i don’t care at all if a pig is filthy. cows and chickens are pretty filthy too, just not as delicious as bacon.

  19. There is a steak house in Brooklyn, NY called “Peter Lugers”, they have a bacon appetizer served by the slice, I hear its about 3/4 – 1 inch thick pieces. Simply served with red onion and sliced tomatoes.

    I saw it on the food network show “The best thing I ever ate” then I went their my self…all I can say is that its simply epic.

    Too bad this place is so busy you need to call a few weeks in advance for a reservation…people line up for their bacon.

  20. @reneellee – THANK YOU – I will be attempting this very soon, perhaps for Easter.

    @Justin – Irrelevant indeed, exactly why I disregarded the article.

  21. Wait… It was an epidemiological study? Im discouraged from using epidemiological studies at university because they are so shit. The amount of variables you open yourself to using them is disgusting. There also appears to be no link to the actual scientific paper… always a shady area to be in.

  22. Pigs eat their own crap.

    I don’t get the hype for bacon.

    Out of all the types of meat out there isn’t it the lowest in protein?

    Quite frankly, I think Tuna needs more attension

    What a poor argument. Does tuna taste like heaven? No. And one time I saw a cow shit on the back of another cow, but you eat steak, don’t you?

    –Justin

  23. Speaking of food, GWYNETH PALTROW has a new COOK BOOK:

    http://www.npr.org/2011/04/20/135545537/what-were-reading-april-19-25?sc=fb&cc=fp

    I loled at the first line of the review:
    “Please, don’t be put off by the idea of a slender beauty who looks like she lives on air writing a cookbook. In particular, a famous actress once also known for her rigid macrobiotic diet, and whose website, GOOP, offered so many recipes involving kale that cooler and snarkier blogs had a heyday ridiculing it…”

    A few choice exerpts are listed here: http://eater.com/archives/2010/12/17/first-look-at-gwyneth-paltrows-cookbook-my-fathers-daughter.php

  24. @jarhead
    Peter Lugars is one of the most 70s Big steak restaurants out there. Old school wooden tables. Great service. Unreal steaks. I like to go there with one other 70s Big male or female and order a “Steak for 4″ which is about 8lbs of steak carved at the table for you. It’s fanFUCKINGtastic.

    The Bacon app is a must. Two people should get at least 8 pieces.

    In my house, typically two pounds of bacon are needed in a standard cook because the first pound doesn’t last until the eggs, pancakes, etc are done.
    My 5 year old daughter will eat a half pound right off the cooling plate while she’s waiting.

    Love it.

  25. Justin, I agree about nutritional surveys (eg “fat people eat red meat. fat people unhealthy! red meat bad!”). But this one is interesting because it finds raw meat doesn’t have an effect, but cured meat does. I can now see why the same BS warning would apply, will investigate further.

    crkilgo, meta-analysis is a solid technique for increasing total sample size, ensuring that your conclusions aren’t due to a random occurrence. As you implied though, garbage in, garbage out.

    That meta-analysis is irrelevant, as I pointed out before, because it doesn’t take into account any other lifestyle factor. Again, were those people exercising? Were they smoking or not? How many carbs were they eating? What was the rest of their diet like? You, and the guys doing the meta-analysis, don’t know that. And drawing conclusions about that one item (cured meat) based on that is ridiculous.

    –Justin

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