Confessions of a Recovering Cardio Junkie
By Ellee for the weekly 70’s Big Females installment
Today’s post is not about lifting nor not asses. Sorry. In fact, this message isn’t really intended for the enlightened 70’s Big reader. It’s designed to be an intervention for all the beloved female cardio addicts. I understand that Justin has covered this topic in the past, but perhaps a woman-to-woman talk is in order.
As discussed in previous posts, Cori was groomed from a very early age to be a competitive Olympic weightlifter. I, on the other hand, studied classical ballet throughout my entire childhood and teenage years. In a young girl, this dance training instills agility, discipline, elegance and the desire to be really. really. fucking skinny. As an adult, this desire remained and I turned to hardcore cardio abuse. Diet was definitely part of it, but my appetite for skinny has always been overshadowed by my thirst for beer and passion for baked goods. Quality tapeworms are hard to come by in this day and age, but treadmills are plentiful!
I understand that the upcoming admission may significantly detract from my appeal in the eyes of the 70’s Big community, but I am willing to take the hit for the sake of the greater good. Before I discovered the benefits of the heavy barbell . . . I instructed droves of women in cardio dance classes at big-box gyms across the city of Chicago. In addition to teaching these classes, I would spend 90 minutes everyday climbing the stairmaster only to arrive absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. This type of monotonous, machine-based “training” is miserable and isolating. If you currently have a similar regimen and are not yet prepared to acknowledge that it sucks, you are still in the denial phase.
After keeping up with this horrendous routine for years, I started to look as if I had partied through the decades with Keith Richards. Don’t get me wrong, I love Keith Richards, but his appearance shouldn’t be simulated by any woman. As if looking strung out wasn’t bad enough, I was a total weakling. I attempted to broaden my horizons by attending a yoga class during which we were cued to slowly lower ourselves from the planche position. Naturally, this attempted maneuver resulted in an catastrophic, ego-shattering pushup FAIL. I glared at the instructor with a helpless sort of hate in my eyes thinking “this bitch is specifically and maliciously trying to kill me!” This was rock-bottom. It was time to reassess my training strategy.
Despite my 30’s “Great Depression” weak physique, I was able to pull myself from the Cardio Inferno (it is the lesser known 10th Circle of Hell that is lined with ellipticals and 18 year old trainers selling spray tans). It took some time for the paradigm shift to be fully realized and to unlearn everything that I had always revered as gospel. I am proud to say that I eventually kicked the deleterious cardio habit and have been clean for two years now.
I would now like to take this opportunity to humbly apologize to all the ladies out there. You have been fooled; I was, too. As a group exercise instructor, I never had a diabolical agenda to make you frail and weak. I was simply fed the same pernicious pseudo-fitness garbage that you were. The time has come for you to redirect the energy that you are putting into your current workouts in a way that is actually conducive to getting you the results that you desire. A life spent on those machines is filled with pointless and endless masturbatory pain. And you sure as hell will not be molding the ass you have always dreamed of! Find a good coach and a strong community of supporters that will encourage you along your journey to become a stronger woman.
Females, please comment on how embracing the lifestyle of a beautiful 70’s Big Female has improved you both mentally and physically.
Adult males, please share this post with the ladies in your life. However, I will advise you NOT to attempt to coach your own wives/girlfriends. Such behavior is sure to result in sex-withholding, which is massively detrimental to both parties. Opt for a third-party trainer instead and continue to get your groove on.
Love,
Ellee
Ellee and Cori